'Plaint of the Playwright

2009-04-22T16:53:00.002-05:00

In the area of "Hey, Check This Out:"

My friend Adam Spiegelman, aka Media Yenta, recommended this upcoming show to me.

"MoCap, LLC" is a show about one of those jobs that you know people have, but you never ever think about--professional motion capture techs, and the freelance hell they live in.

"MoCap LLC" will soon be a 6-episode series airing on Spike TV starting April 23 at midnight. Check it out, y'all!

2009-03-24T21:36:00.011-05:00

Hi, I'm Buckwheat. Uh-member me?

Yeah, it's kind of been a while since I updated this--mother of GOD! TWO YEARS?!?!

Seriously?!?

So, yeah, it's time to start again, seeing as I've got a TON of stuff going on.

Since I posted last, I've made a few short films as well as trailers for other theatre companies, had a short play produced in Chicago, been in three more episodes of Chad Vader (two of which I co-wrote), was in the best play I've ever been in, hosted the Blitz Plays, had a novel written about one of my characters, and now, I'm self-publishing Knock Knock. After Emily Mills self-published The Fix-Up, I just figured it was incredibly stupid to have written three novels and not to do anything with them. So, here it is:

It's up for sale. Right damn now.

And, yes, I'll be doing the others, too.

Also, I may put up the scripts of some of my shows, too. Quite a few students actors who have found my monologues in the Smith And Kraus monologue books have been sending me emails, looking for more of my work, so I figured I should probably give them something to find.

But back to Emily Mills for a second.

"The Fix-Up" is the prequel to a series of movies I made with Antlion Films, about a drug dealer named Chapel.
Chapel, who was more or less supposed to be prison-bound at the end of the first one, just kept a-comin' back, and we just finished the third one.

Here they all are, for your convenience:

"Complicated," the first one, was my first attempt to do a 48-hour films (to date, all of the Chapels have been 48-hour films). And, yeah, it was as complicated as the title implies.

Best bit: The encyclopedia.

Then came "Distracted." (also called "Distraction." When I cleaned it up a bit, I changed the title to fit the last one.)

"Distracted" came about when Sam Lawson and Josh Klessig of RASHfilms invited Emily and I to join them on a trip to Louisville, Kentucky for the Kino Louisville Kabaret.

I figured, we got Emily, we got a hotel room, why not do a story that brings back Chapel, with her on the run?

We got Whitney Bishop, director of Kino Louisville to be in it, who was very cool.

Best bit: When Chapel first enters the house.

And now, here's "Extremed," which I think of as the "Goldfinger" of the group. Like, the first James Bond movies were good, but it was "Goldfinger" that defined the formula and the series became what it was to become.

This one is more cold-blooded, mean-spirited, and, well, funnier than the others. I'm very proud of this one.

Best bit: Everything after Kelly Maxwell yells "Shut. The fuck. UP!!!"

There's talk of doing others (there's always been talk of doing others, but this one showed us all what we could accomplish if we just sat down and did it)...and Will Gartside (director of "MASSACRE (the musical)") and I are planning...something for when we have a budget. Shhh.

Oh, and speaking of Will, we just finished principal photography for "High School Sweethearts."

This isn't a comedy like "MASSACRE" was--the story (written by Will with some additional material by myself) starts out as a high school love story, and then it...really isn't...and then it REALLY isn't...and then...well, let's just say it contains possibly the most horrifying thing I've ever been a part of filming. And keep in mind who's telling you that.

What you might not know, is that "High School Sweethearts" is the first half of a longer film, called "Wasted Youth."

And yup, that's right, the second half is written and directed by me, and it's called "The Girls."
Here's the teaser trailer for that one:

"The Girls," which we're just doing preproduction on now, is a revenge drama--and yes, it's a rewritten version of my long dreamt-of, never-realized series "Death And The City."

Recently, Will and I did an interview on the Film101 podcast where we explain how this happened. Listen here.

Oh, and one last thing: I'm working on a comic book adaption of "Wasted Youth." But more on that as it happens...

2007-12-07T11:40:00.000-06:00

Hey howdy hey!

One of the podcasts I listen to, BrassRingWriting Playwriting Podcast, not only mentioned an email I sent in, not only basically based the episode around a topic I brought up in that email, but also plugged this blog, which made me say:

Yeep. I'd probably better update my blog, huh?

So, lots of stuff to report, actually.

First: I won National Novel Writing Month again. I wrote another mystery with Anthony Phillip Grover, a.k.a. Tony Bompicelli, a.k.a. Tony The Bomb, in his life in the Witness Protection Program, this time working with Jilly O'Halloran, a fiesty female cop, trying to solve a mystery so complicated--they don't even know for sure if a crime has been committed...

(By the way, if you're interested in reading this, or the first Tony The Bomb mystery, Knock Knock, then shoot me an email.)

In other news, I am still editing MASSACRE (the musical). All that "coming this Halloween" stuff was a bunch of tree-huggin' hippie crap, so we're aiming for the end of the month (which is our deadline for getting it to several of the contests we want to submit it to).

In the meantime, here's the longer, cooler trailer:

While we're talking about videos I'm responsible for, here's another one that I wrote and directed, which is a prequel to the "Disarming" series of plays I wrote for Mercury Players' Short Shorts. (If you have seen them, don't worry, you don't have to have seen them to watch this).

It's called "Two Girl Minimum," and features Emily Mills, reprising her role as Kidder, Kelly Kiorpes, reprising her role as Maggie The Meth Head from "Complicated," and myself, reprising my role as Reeve. Most of the female cast of MASSACRE managed to slip into this as well.

Oh, and I'm told it's NSFW, mainly because of all the gunfire, and a shot of two girls making out. So, um, be warned:

And for those of you fans of Chad Vader, as well as things that I briefly appear in or provide guns for, Matt Sloan and Aaron Yonda have just put a new video up on Super Deluxe, called CSI: North Pole.

Also, I'm in another Mercury Players show coming up, called The Pillowman, which'll be running at the Bartell Theater from January 18 through February 2, 2008.

So, it's actually been kind of a busy end of the year for me. Ah, what can the future hold? Will 2008 be awesome...ly bad, or just plain awesome?

Tune in next year...and we'll find out...together.

(Sometimes I have genuine trouble finishing these blogs.)

2007-08-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

2007-06-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

Don't say you weren't warned.

2007-05-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

Recently, I recieved an email from a Chicago theater director named Bryan Cohen, who, like me, has been having trouble getting reviewers to see his show--so he's come up with an interesting solution: Invite reviewers and critics and have them do "community reviews," which I'll post here so that they can be found during a search or he can link to them.

It's actually a pretty good idea (one I may steal). It's a good way for not only for there to be some reviews out there, but for there to be a sense of communtiy among different theater groups through the internet. Here's the first review, just recieved today:

Something From Nothing
Directed by Bryan Cohen
A review by Paul Barile

Everyone who does improv should see "Something from Nothing" even if only to hear the theories that have gotten lost in the so much of today's gratuitously blue improv scene. The characters talk about – argue about – and understand the various reasons actors do improv.

The characters invoke the holy guru of improv – Del Close – to remind us that honesty and connections are more important than farts and boogers. There is an earnest air about most of these actors that leads the audience to believe they believe it as well. Their belief makes it an easy sell.

Another positive element is they find ways to work history and theory into conversation without being preachy. When one character gets completely wrapped up in theory and forget to just live life – the consequences are less than positive. It is also refreshing to watch a show that isn't peppered with insider humor as many sketch and improv shows tend to be. In fact – you don't need to be in the industry to enjoy most of this play.

Whether intentional – or not - the cast fairly reflects the 1985 film The Breakfast Club. Since the show is set in 1985 – and the improv team takes the name The Breakfast Tub, one is left to draw their own conclusions.

The standout performance by Lauren Q. Hearter – easily the most comfortable person on the stage - is worth the cost of admission. Her character's arc is so complete and uninterrupted that by act three (yes… act three) when she resolves her issues, the audience is completely seduced.

The rest of the cast is uneven – although most of them have great moments. Most of the problems they face are the result of two negative elements in the show. The first negative is the show is way too long. The second element is there are so many unnecessary plot twists – this could be two different plays.

Scripted from improv is a double-edged sword. While you are getting fresh real dialogue – you have to know when to stop the tape. Some of these scenes go on and on and take 15 minutes to say what could be said in 5. There are too many instances when two actors walk out on stage – pull up a chair – and talk. Sometimes they are drinking a beer. Sometimes they are playing a video game. Mostly there is a lot of sitting.

This thing comes in at 2 hours and 30 minutes when they could have told the entire story in 90 minutes. (Note from Rob: I have been informed by the director that this will actually been shortened down by about a half-hour, starting this Sunday.)

All of the subplots did was add time to the script. They didn't raise the stakes and they didn't make us feel more or less of anything toward the characters except – about half-way through act three we were feeling a little contempt that they could get up and walk around as they rambled on and we were planted in seats.

As a time-capsule Stephanie Solorio's costumes were on the money and Amy Gorelow's set was pioneering with its minimalist aesthetic.

Something from Nothing continues its run at the Apollo Studio Theater at 2540 N. Lincoln Ave., (nearest the Fullerton Red/Brown Line) through May 16th, playing Sunday through Wednesday nights at 8 PM. Tickets are $10 for general admission and $7 for students. Call (773) 935-6100 to make reservations.

2007-05-03T17:16:00.001-05:00

This is a trailer for a movie that doesn't exist, written by Doug Reed, edited by myself, starring Emily Mills, Kelly Kiorpes, and Kathy Lynn Sliter, and directed by Nick Drake. Visual effects by Detonationfilms.com. It's basically what I was doing all last week.

2007-04-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

My, oh, my, have I got stuff a-comin'.

Yeah, there's a ton of material from me coming up, for those seven or eight of you who follow my work.

The biggest one, right now, is Mercury Players' Revenge Of The Mini-Musicals, which will feature a re-written, reorchistrated, and vastly improved Discordia's Sunshine Death (originally presented at Blitz, for those who remember).

The new Discordia will feature new lyrics, new gags, (possibly) more stage blood, two new songs ("I Love Premarial Sex" is the standout, but "The Sassy One" is the one that gets stuck in your head), as well as the return of Anthony Lamarr as one of the bumbling cops, and of course, the lovely and talented Kelly Kiorpes (in the role she may have been born to play) as Discordia Doren, psychotic Catholic schoolgirl.

I should mention that this show was co-written by Morey Burnard, who wrote all of the music (we traded back and forth of lyrical work), and also directed the whole damn affair. Morey went to town on this one. I know his inspiration for the music came from a certain amount of 70's rock opera, which is amazing to me because when I was a kid, stuff like that used to really creep me out, like Tommy, or Phantom Of The Paradise (which was no small inspiration for this, by the way).

If you were a fan of The Lizzies or Psychos In Love, then you really need to check out this one.

Here's the nitty gritty:

Revenge of the Mini Musicals II
By Catherine Capellaro & Andrew Rohn, Rob Matsushita, Moritz Burnard, Douglas Holtz, and Jonathan Zarov Directed by Moritz Burnard

Four original short musicals for grown-ups:

Meaty, Beaty Big and Bouncy by Catherine Cappellaro and Andrew Rohn

Discordia's Sunshine Death by Rob Matsushita & Morey Burnard

Bingo Night at the Church of St. Darwin by Jonathan Zarov

Gaystroke, Legend of Tarthan by Doug Holtz

Opening night gala on April 20th.

Produced by Mercury Players at the Bartell Theatre, Drury Stage
Performances: April 20 - May 5, 2007
Performance Times: April 20, 21, 25, 26, 27, 28, May 2, 3, 4, 5 @ 8 pm, April 22, 29 @ 2 pm

Ticket Prices: $15 / $5 Student Tuesdays & Wednesdays / General Admission

Go to www.brownpapertickets.com for reservations, or 608-661-9696 x5 (Season Ticket Reservations) for additional information

Also up and coming is Short Shorts, which is at the Mercury Lounge (117 E. Mifflin--next door to the Bartell). For those of you who don't know, Short Shorts is a monthy event. Here's the skinny (copied from Madstage):

You are cordially invited Tuesday night, April 24th, 8pm at the Mercury Lounge (117 E. Mifflin) for an evening of short (1 page, no really, just a page) plays. [Note, this season, there are also FIVE page plays, nicknamed "Hot Pants"] All plays will take place in the lounge amongst you, the audience, and they will happen when you least expect it.

This event is free, and takes place on the last tuesday of every month. If you are interested in acting, writing, directing, or in some way becoming a part of this awesome experience, send us your info, interests, and/or script submissions! Send to: mercuryshortshorts@gmail.com See you on the 24th! -Mercury Players Special Events

Produced by Mercury Players Theatre SE at Mercury Lounge 117 E. Mifflin
Performances: September 26, 2006
Performance Times: 8pm
Ticket Prices: Free

I not only have some stuff in there, but I'm performing as an actor as well. This is actually a series I started, called "Disarming," starring myself and the always-awesome Emily Mills.

It's a cliffhanger series, and, in case you missed the first one, I present to you now, the full script of Disarming, Episode One:

NARRATOR: WELCOME TO THE FIRST EPISODE OF "DISARMING," ALREADY IN PROGRESS...

REEVE sits at the bar, quietly drinking. KIDDER enters, wearing a large overcoat. As she steps up behind him, he draws a gun and points it at her over his shoulder as she holds a hunting knife to his throat.

REEVE: Well, hello...I was just thinking about you, Kidder. To what do I owe this dubious pleasure, Baby Snakes?

KIDDER: Um, can we sort of not do this now? I have some serious shit going on, and I, um...I needed some help with it.

REEVE: (putting his gun away) Hey. I'll always be your willing slave. What's up?

Kidder looks around and slowly starts to undo her coat.

REEVE: Oh. This is just like the summer of '02, isn't it? Hold on, I want to give this my full attention.

KIDDER: When I woke up in the middle of the park this morning, I found this...

Kidder opens her coat, revealing that she's strapped with a large, blinking, beeping explosive device.

REEVE: (laughs) Oh, wow. Yeah, this is takin' me back to Fall of '04.

KIDDER: Look, can you do something about this or not? I mean, you build these things, so can you, um--

Reeve looks at her. Chuckles.

KIDDER: Look, can you do something about this or what?

REEVE: (thinks) Okay. I'll take a whack at it.

He picks her up and places her carefully on the bar, then clicks open an icepick he carries on him.

REEVE: So...do we know how much time we have?

KIDDER: When I woke up, I had this watch on me...I think we have about 15 minutes.

REEVE: Awesome. I love pressure. Any idea who did this to you?

KIDDER: I sort of left my boyfriend this week. So, yeah, there's a little bit of blowback going on from that, probably.

And with that, something on the front of the bomb SNAPS OPEN AS LIGHTS ON THE BOMB GO ON, BEEPING TO LIFE. It seems that Reeve may have just made the bomb mad.

Long pause.

REEVE : Wait. You have a boyfriend?

KIDDER: Could we not do this right now?!? God, we've only got--

NARRATOR: FOURTEEN MINUTES UNTIL THE BOMB GOES OFF. TO BE CONTINUED...

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

What will happen next? Find out Tuesday. Dun dun DUUUUN.

Also, some of my Blitz plays will be performed by some students at West High--more on this as I learn more.

2007-04-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, has anyone not gotten the first chapter?

At least one person didn't get it, but that may be because of whatever spam filter you're using. Yahoo's even sent my mail to the spam folder.

Let me know, and we shall fix.

2007-03-29T16:10:00.001-05:00

I just sent out a test email (with a jpeg "cover" for "Knock Knock"), so if you've subscribed (we're up to 43 of this writing!), and you didn't get it, or if you want to sign up before everything gets going in two days, email me at mr6@yahoo.com.

2007-03-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

30 Days Of Mystery

Hey, everyone,

Sometime last year (okay, the year before), I wrote a 30-chapter mystery novella called "Knock Knock," that I'm just dying to share.

The thing is, I feel that when you hand someone a huge stack of paper (and a prose one, at that), it becomes this albatross in their house--that thing that they want to read, but will never get to (I'm sorta guilty of this one myself).

My solution? 30 days in April. 30 Chapters. A chapter a day. Cliffhanger-style.

"Knock Knock," incidentally, is about Anthony Phillip Grover, a.k.a. Tony Bompicelli, a.k.a. "Tony The Bomb," former mobster from Claymore, New Jersey, now living in the Witness Protection Program in the pseudo-liberal town of Iver, Wisconsin.

When a sex offender moves into Tony's neighborhood, Tony does not react well to that. Not at ALL. After over a decade of keeping a low profile, Tony's ready to start some major crime again...

If you're interested in joining my email subscription list, just send me an email at mr6@yahoo.com and let me know.

Again, this will start April 1st, and you'd receive a chapter a day for the whole month. Almost every episode ends with a cliffhanger, too, so this'll be a fun read--if you're familiar with my writing, you'll know that I'm kind of a meat-and-potatoes kind of writer--don't expect boring, pretentious, and flowery prose--and DO expect profanity, violence, and all the other stuff your mother warned you about.

Feel free, during the process, to send critical or encouraging emails--there may be a good chance that the pages I send out will be revised based on comments and such.

And, if all goes well, later this year, you'll see the sequel, tentatively titled "Soccer Moms."

Thanks!

rob.

2007-03-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

No time to talk, but check this out:

http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/prnn/369.htm

Note to self: Try not to alienate the NYC critics.

2007-01-24T00:06:00.000-06:00

So here's the big news:

The Dysfunctional Theatre Company is currently mounting an hour-long version of Orange Murder Suit for the New York Frigid Festival.

It's being directed by my friend and fellow former Broom Streeter Rick Vorndran, who directed me in my first Broom Street play, and it's going to be performed at Under St. Marks. (94 St. Marks Place, between 1st Ave. and Avenue A.)

Here are the dates and times:

Wednesday, March 7th, 6pm
Saturday, March 10th, 8:30pm
Tuesday, March 13th, 9pm
Friday, March 16, 6pm
Saturday, March 17th, 4pm

Tickets can be purchased here.

So those of you on the East Coast take note...I will be present for this. Oh, yes.

More news as I get it, but in the meantime, you can learn more about the production here.

2007-01-12T11:13:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen....

My Blitz play.

And part two:

Let it be said that The Blitz Smackdown was so awesome that I honestly think that every Blitz should be like this. And I know I'm not alone.

Thanks to producers Bonnie Balke and Kirk Stantis for putting it together, Rachel Jenkins for doing a great job directing mine, and a wonderful cast for providing some of the best stage combat EVER. (Kelly Lee Kriesel in the doorway is my favorite moment of the night.)

More on this later--I'm anxious to get this up.

2006-11-04T10:00:00.000-06:00

AUGUSTINA: We can do anything you want, Ben. Okay?

BEN: Good.

AUGUSTINA: Nothing has to happen.

BEN: Excellent.

AUGUSTINA: No pressure.

BEN: No pressure.

AUGUSTINA: We're gonna have fun, Ben.

BEN: I hope so.

900 by Rob Matsushita

At 11:11 pm, the conversation begins. Augustina is a phone sex operator. Ben is a caller.

One game. Two players. They'll either both win...

Or they'll both lose.

900 is a love story in real time--the play ends when the call ends.

-----

AUGUSTINA: When I was a little girl, and I used to go out with my mom shopping, she always used to stop at the used book store and get me one of those digest books, like the Best Of Marvel books. And the first one I got was a Fantastic Four one. She'd shop, and I'd read. I'd just read my Fantastic Four comic book, and I'd feel safe.

BEN: Did you not always feel safe?

AUGUSTINA: Um...we kinda...I hate to do this to you, but...we kinda have to stop talking about me.

BEN: ...I understand.

AUGUSTINA : Is that okay that I said that?

BEN: No, I get it, I, uh, yeah, it's cool. We're cool.

-----

The staged reading of 900 will be at the Mercury Lounge at 117 E Mifflin Street (right next to the Bartell Theater) at 8:00 pm on November 7th (election day!).

Admission is FREE.

900 will be performed by Damon Butler, Kelly Kiorpes, and by director Kathy Lynn Sliter who will be reading stage directions.

Though 900 is just a reading, it contains adult content and is not suitable for younger audiences.

-----

BEN: So the future of the whole human race hinges on girly feelings and unprotected drunk sex?

AUGUSTINA: Oh, like that's a big shocker.

-----

One night only. This performance will be audio recorded.

Oh, and seriously, VOTE. We will ask you if you did.

Hope to see you there.

2006-09-27T04:11:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids! It's my stupid birthday!

2006-09-22T01:45:00.000-05:00

2006-08-09T18:06:00.000-05:00

You know you've done something right when someone creates a fan trailer.

2006-07-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

Psst! Buddy.

Wanna buy a t-shirt?

2006-06-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

Reason number one-hundred and one why living in the future is weird:

I've been a fan of Channel 101 and Channel 102 for almost two years now.

Well, this month, I'm not only in one of the Top Five, but I appear in the #1 show. (SPOILER ALERT! You should watch "Chad Vader" before you read this--it's a five minute short.)

Aaron Yonda and Matt Sloan gave me a call some time ago to be in this--they'd seen me in a couple of RASHfilms--and I jumped at the chance. I've actually been fans of theirs for a while (and somehow missed that they live in Madison until about a month after having discovered them), and was shocked when Matt actually knew who I was (he saw my production of Neil LaBute's "Bash.").

I was the last actor they shot with--or at least, the last actor who wasn't Matt or Aaron--and my call was near the end of the last night.

It was actually a near-profesional shoot. I've worked crew on one or two professional shoots (both as an extra and as a crew intern), and this seemed as tightly run as any of them.

The first question Sam (another Yonda/Sloan fan) asken me was, "Who's playing Chad? Matt or Aaron?"

The answer, appropriately, is "yes."

Aaron's doing the body, and Matt's doing the voice.

What's also funny to me is that Aaron is much taller than he seems in his films. And when he walked in, in full Vader getup, cape and all, with Courtney Collins (producer of the shoot) trailing close behind, I instinctively quickly got out of his way. That sort of sense-memory is hard-wired into my system from my nerdy childhood.

Acting for video and film is actually very intimidating--when I initially read my lines as the character of "Lloyd," I had done them one way, and Matt and Aaron told me to play with it before the shoot. When I did it for them at the shoot, Matt said, "Good--I like the changes."

I was so nervous, actually, that I honestly couldn't remember how I'd done it the first time.

The first take, Matt mentioned that I was clearly smiling a little bit. I laughed, because all I could think was, "I'm in a food co-op and Aaron Yonda's dressed like Darth Vader!!!"

Then Aaron gave me a big hug. Awwww.

But it's different acting in front of a camera when it's not your own shoot--I think everyone who directs should do it, just to get a sense of what it's like. I hung out a little bit when I was done, just to watch.

So, now it's number one on 101--which, in case you're not familiar with 101, isn't easy. Everything is voted on at a screening in L.A., so Matt and Aaron are not on their home turf. They're well-liked over there, but they don't have home-court advantage (meaning that they can't really pack the screening with buddies)--and as a result, whatever they send has got to be the best they can do.

It's also fun, getting to talk to Aaron and Matt about how they do things--there's just as much done that's meticulously planned out as there is organic improvisation, usually, but this one was a very tight shoot. Not in a bad way, but, again, it felt like a professional shoot.

According to an email we all got from Courtney, she got to hear audience reaction over her cell phone, and the crowd apparently loved it.

From Matt Sloan himself, I was happy to read this (SPOLIER ALERT!):

There were also a lot of comments about Rob's performance as Lloyd. I believe Dan Harmon himself mentioned how good of an actor Rob was and everyone seemed to think he was a professional actor. His line "Jesus, what's your problem!" always got a big laugh -- even more than when he was lifted off of the ground.

Hee hee!

I tend to think that the reason the reaction is so strong is because by the time my character shows up, you're totally sympathetic to Chad, and you finally see him triumph over something--anything.

I'm really happy that it's picked up--I can't wait to come back!

What a weird feeling. I'm actually having a good week.

2006-06-06T11:01:00.000-05:00

Woo hoo!

The Action Comedy video podcast is up!

For those of you who just want to see the thing I wrote (as performed by Tyler Yoder), you can right-click and download it here.

Thanks again to all those who put this together, especially Michelle Milne, who, luckily, thought to call me, and Daniel Palmer, who put the cast up.

2006-05-24T14:47:00.000-05:00

Mercury Rising closed last week. I saw about half of the show's run. It's always fun to see what gets a laugh, what doesn't. Who gets what, who doesn't.

One friend of mine told me that he totally didn't get mine at all. Like, he didn't get what my point was.

Wow. It's, like, the simplest show I've ever written.

Oh, well.

After, I helped out during strike--something I always do, mainly because if people are going to spend time and money to put something of mine up, I feel like I should.

(Did I help strike Lil' Pervs? I don't think I did. I did stick around for pictures, though.)

In other news...

Well, the crap that you find doing research, huh?

I was looking up stuff on Winchester Silvertip Hollow Point ammo when I found these guys:

Goddammo.

The concept:

Say your relationship goes wrong.

These guys will melt your wedding band into a 9mm bullet.

Yeah.

Not making it up.

Oh, yeah, and it's NSFW. For some reason, every gun-related search leads you to a naked teenage girl.

No idea why.

Okay, gotta go. Must weep bitter tears for America, now.

2006-05-18T00:35:00.000-05:00

Just a quick reminder that this is closing weekend for Mercury Rising.

I've kinda gotten to meet a few people who I really didn't know before, just hanging out at the theater.

It's weird being the writer. I feel kinda like I'm still the nerd trying to hang out with the cool kids, sometimes. Everyone seems to like what I wrote, and people seem really nice to me, though. I kinda miss the acting thing, as well as the actually being a part of a show, other than providing a gun or something.

I remember when I first started getting involved here, and being very much of a wallflower, hoping for approval, or being part of the group. I actually kinda feel like I might be one of the group, now--not always, but more than usual. People say they like me, or they've heard of me, and I still can't accept it. My mind won't let me take a compliment.

Last week, at one of the cast parties, one of the actors said, "You know what, Rob? You're a nice guy."

I said, "Don't jump to that conclusion before all the facts have been made apparent. I am not that nice a guy."

Everyone kinda looked at me like I was a psycho--but maybe because that's because I was only half-kidding.

Okay. Sometimes I don't like myself much.

I have a hair-trigger mouth, I've done things I'm not proud of, I've lied, I've stolen, I've hurt people, I've aggrandized myself and torn down others, and been witness to it all.

But, hey, who of us hasn't?

Those of you who've seen my other work, the serious stuff, well, you probably know that much of it comes from a core of anger.

This show that I wrote for Mercury? It's actually kind of sweet, and hopeful, and optimistically ambiguous.

It's actually inspired me to kinda keep going down this path, and this week, for no reason other than I couldn't stop myself, I started writing another full-length. I'm about half-done.

Get ready, because here's the big suprise:

No guns.

No violence.

No one gets killed.

And it's a love story.

I'm just as shocked as you.

In a way, I have Mercury Rising to thank for it. A little play I wrote at the last minute, just to make the deadline has made me look at what I want to do in a new light.

Oh, sure, I'll do more stuff with guns and blood and killing. I mean, that stuff's my bread, butter and jam.

But maybe I realized that it was time to try something different.

Thanks again to everyone involved with Mercury for choosing my play.

And now, here's a teaser poster I made last night for the next full-length, to be done, I know not where.

Tickets for Mercury Rising can be purchased here.

2006-05-11T19:48:00.000-05:00

And here's another thing I totally forgot to mention:

I wrote something that got performed someplace else last weekend.

New World Arts put together a Blitz-like event called The Action Comedy. Basically, it's like if I asked God for a play festival, it'd be this show.

Anyway, I just went to their site, and, apparently, my short monolouge "Four Things In No Particular Order" (which can be read in its entirety here) opened the night.

From reading the blog, it sounds awesome.

Incidentally, this also represents my personal best in getting a script in in a crunch.

See, Michelle Milne called me at work at 11:00 am, the day of the show, and asked if I was planning on sending a script, or what.

D'ohh! I hadn't gotten a confirmation email from them, and assumed I wasn't in.

"No, no," she said, "We saw your blog--which is awesome--and we knew right away we wanted you to be a part of it!"

It turns out they'd been sending me assignments all week, only they were going to my spam folder for some reason.

So at 11:10, she re-sends me my assignment, which I read on my cell phone.

I work for a while and think of a story.

At 11:50, I take lunch.

At 12:45, I had a readable copy.

At 1:15, I jack into my job's internet with the remaining seconds of power I have on my laptop and send in my script.

At 1:30, I get ahold of them, confirming that it's in the show.

God, sometimes I love being a writer.

2006-05-09T22:45:00.000-05:00

Fun stuff I Learned Last Weekend At The Opening Weekend Of Mercury Rising.

1. Almost all of the scripts were written very quickly, and last minute.

At least, it seemed that way to hear the writers tell it. Doug Reed told me he wrote his very quickly, and I wrote mine on the day of the deadline.

That said, Karen McCall's was her first play, and came from a very personal place--which is where all good writing comes from, I think.

2. For reasons unknown, mine's the only one without sex, nudity, death, or depression in it.

That's right. It's a love story. More than one person said to me, "The weird thing is, it's actually very sweet." Considering a gun gets pointed at a baby at one point, and a teenage girl is pretty clearly marked for a date rape, that's saying something.

3. I have something in common with one of the directors, Kelly Kreisel.

And that's that both of our passive faces give people the impression that we don't like them. Before the open, we all revealed how nobody thought we liked anyone. Hey, I though she didn't like me at all, but nope.

We just have passive face that seem angry or exasperated.

So, yes. It's altogether possible that we like you. We really like you.

Oh, also, she's a big comic book geek.

OWNED.

4. Doug Reed now likes writing dark violent material.

It's true. He told me that once he started doing it, he totally sees the appeal.

The funny thing is, after my show got a group reaction of "AWWWWW" from the audience, I have to admit, I want me some more of that.

Will this mean I'll be writing more love stories in the future?

Time may tell.

5. Okay, so maybe things weren't as awkward as I thought they'd be between Gwen Quirk and me.

I walked over and extended my hand, starting to say, "I am officially extending the olive branch," but I only got as far as "I am offic--" before we got interupted.

Anyway, I told her that I actually did like her play, and added, "And I would tell you if I didn't."

She smiled and said, "Yeah. I know."

6. So what did you think of how Tony Trout directed your show?

I loved what they did, and there were many things about the performances that I just thought they nailed.

In particular, I loved Bill Bolz as Connor, the burnt-out professional sniper. He has that great laid-back delivery, and that's the only way you can play Connor for it to work. There's a line he has where he says to Megan "The Gun" DuCott (who returns again for this show), "Cool. I have an 'in.' Wanna go to the prom?"

Now, that's an easy line to screw up, in context--it not only has to be deadpan, but have just enough sincerity for you to wonder.

Then there's Emily Mills, the third person to play Megan "The Gun" DuCott (Amy Sawyers is on deck to play Megan--the early years--in the internet version I'm working on, by the way).

Damn. I mean, DAMN.

Sequentially, as far as the character goes, this is the last Megan "The Gun" DuCott play (at least, until I write another one), and "Death And The City" will actually be the first adventures. It's cool to think that Emily's version is where the character will end up at.

I've already asked Emily if she'll show up on "Death And The City" as Megan's sister, just for the geeky reference.

7. How are the other shows?

Quite good, actually. Seriously, go see it.

I know I've said this before, but it's amazing to me that I wrote neither the most depressing, weirdest, or most violent one.

Wacky, huh?

Okay.

I am ready to ferment now.

2006-05-04T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hey.

Did you know that Mercury Rising opens tomorrow?

Well, now you do.

Tickets can be purchased at brownpapertickets.com.

Now, I haven't seen any of the shows at all, I've only seen the set and a little of a Que-To-Que rehearsal, so opening night, I'll be just as suprised as anyone.

However, Colm McCarthy saw a rehearsal, and I asked him how mine looked. He said to me, "You sappy bastard."

That's a first for me.

Here's the rundown on the shows:

Mercury Rising includes six 15-minute plays by Wisconsin authors. All six plays are performed in the following order each night:

Crowded House
In this screwball comedy, a young man goes to ridiculous lengths to hide his unusual love life from Grandma. Written by Douglas Holtz and directed by Kelly Kriesel.

March, April, June, July; May Be Not
A May-September romance between two covert agents with a hidden agenda. Written by Kurt McGinnis Brown and directed by Tony Trout.

The End of the World
A woman, who has discovered that the world is about to end, struggles to keep her knowledge secret. Written by Karen McCall and directed by Kelly Kriesel.

Lucky Numbers
An actuary and his wife, who are expecting their first child, may fall victim to statistical probability. Written by Gwendolyn Quirk and directed by Tony Trout.

The Maibock Seduction
A corporate raider learns the naked truth about the microbrew business. Written by Doug Reed and directed by Kelly Kriesel.

May Is a Special Time of Year
Two professional snipers, on two different rooftops, talk about every subject except being in love with each other. Written by Rob Matsushita and directed by Tony Trout.

This show is for mature audiences only, and for once, that's not my fault. (Doug Reed, I'm looking in your direction.)

After the Saturday, May 6th performance, there's supposed to be a "playwright's reception."

Now, those of you who read this site regularly (all seven of you) probably remember that I wrote some fairly harsh words about one of the playwrights a few months ago.

So, I'm predicting chilly with a 70% chance of awkward.

2006-04-04T15:49:00.000-05:00

Plug time, kids:

As you can see by the wonderful poster by Hannah Sandvold (and colorized by me--so if the color sucks, I'm to blame), Wishful Thinking opens this week.

Here's the press release info:

Wishful ThinkingBy Terese Kattner, Philip Heckman, Rob Matsushita, Doug Reed, Greg Lawless, Debra Neff Nathans and Aaron Nathans
Directed by Deanna Reed
Young actors perform a series of new shorts.

The Whale Play by Terese Kattner, a wacky farce about a crusty sea cap'n and the whale that ruined her life;

Bully of Band Camp by Philip Heckman, tells the tale of two bullies;

Joey Space by Rob Matsushita, is a TV episode satirizing the space shows of the seventies;

Bird's Opening by Doug Reed, a love story played out on a chess board;

A Vice-Presidential Opportunity by Greg Lawless, a civil war within the Civil War featuring ladies of Janesville;

The Mingler, a musical, by Debra Neff Nathans and her husband, composer Aaron Nathans, is the story of a superhero who saves the party.

Smart and action packed. Will appeal to audiences of all ages!
Produced by Actor's Factory at Stoughton Opera House, 381 E. Main St., Stoughton WI
Performances: April 7, 8, & 9, 2006
Friday and Saturday at 7:30 pm, Sunday Matinee at 2:30 pm
Ticket Prices: Free - Donations accepted
Call 608-877-4400 for reservations or more information.

Be there, or be, as they say, square.

2006-03-23T23:31:00.000-06:00

Colm McCarthy took the best picture of me ever:

We actually tried to get the gun to seem like it was smoking, but we couldn't get it quite right. What's really funny is that just under me while taking this shot, Kelly Kreisel's lying on the floor blowing smoke up at me.

This, by the way, is my lobby card for the upcoming anthology show Mercury Rising, produced by, you guessed it, Mercury Players.

More on this as it happens.

Oh, yeah, and I quit Broom Street again.

2006-01-31T10:54:00.000-06:00

A special message from The Carver regarding the season finale of Nip/Tuck:

2006-01-29T13:08:00.000-06:00

Yes, I went to a monster truck show. Yes, I made a few audioblog post about it. (the second half of this first post is just plain unhearable).

T-Shirt of the guy sitting in front of me.

My comments are inaudible, but all I say is that I REALLY hate the song playing at the beginning of the post.

Kathy and me at the intermission.

Me explaining how this happened.

Our general reactions to the Transaurus biting a car in half. (Apologies for the crappy audio quality.)

This is what it looked like when the Rocket Jeep drove around.

And, yeah, that was my first (and, with any luck, last) Monster Truck show.

2006-01-10T23:41:00.000-06:00

Coming soon...

2005-12-28T22:51:00.000-06:00

Would you look at the time? It's the end of December, so that means it's time for...

My Year In Review

Okay, so maybe this'll be a TLDR kind of post,* with only shit that I care about in it, but, hey, at least there will be a lot of embarrassing child photos of me to release the tension from time to time.

January

Apparently, I either didn't do much or just didn't post much in January. So I guess nothing much to report.

I was co-mounting Welcome To The Terrordome with Kathy Lynn Sliter as the director. I'll get to more about that later, when we get to the month it opened.

But hey, there I was, starting the year.

Like a lot of people, I was still in denial over Bush still being president--and, I guess I still am.

So the year didn't start out all that great:

But hey! The year could only get better, right?

(Well, I mean, unless you're one of the thousands of people killed in Iraq, then I guess not so much.)

February

I said, and still believe the following:

"7:35 In The Morning" is one of the Best Short Subject (Live Action) Oscar nominees this year. After watching it here, I had the following revelation: Nacho Vigalondo may have been put on this earth to bring one of my plays to the big screen. And I don't feel the least bit creepy saying that.

This was also when we were getting Terrordome up and on stage. My biggest regret was some very hard feelings and stress when it came to the rehearsal process. We always figured it would be the easy part--just rehearse at each other's houses. We'll take turns. Easy-peasy, Japanesey.

Well, wrongy-wongy, suck-my-dongy.

There's a real importance to leaving a show in a space that's not where you live--and sometimes, you just can't leave the problems of the day behind when you do this sort of thing at home.

I ended up basically becoming the stage manager on this (everyone we had asked initially became commited to other shows), and got a little overwhelmed--and one of the things I regret having to drop was my work on RentalRejects.com--and continue to regret now.

It's a good idea for a site, but Russ couldn't have possibly picked a worse time for me to launch it.

I'll get back to it this year, I promise, Russ. Making it a resolution and everything.

But as far as Terrordome was concerned, the worst was yet to come.

March

Yep, that's right. This was the first rehearsal I'd ever been a part of that got interrupted by a fucking SWAT TEAM.

As Debra Neff-Nathans told me, "That is the sort of thing that could ONLY happen to YOU."

Yeesh.

So, the show ran and closed.

Now having some perspective on it, there are definitely things I'd change about it totally from a writing standpoint. I just watched it again, recently, and, while I liked the performances and direction, you can tell that it was written at a point in my life where I was not very happy, and that it would take finishing Sledgehammer Party to work some really negative shit out of my system.

I'm kicking around a rework of the ending, for instance. I vowed that I wouldn't have the show end like all stage hostage dramas end (with the bad guy held at bay while we hear the sirens getting louder...louder...louder...and...SCENE.), and just recently I thought of another way to conclude this show that's not quite, as Buck put it, "Red State" in its ending.

But a word about the audiences for the show.

No, not great, but, as I've said many times before, not horrible--and we made a small profit. This was the first show I'd ever done where I didn't go broke.

See, at Broom Street, the directors all sink their own personal money into each show, and take none of the profits in compensation.

Stupid as it sounds, I honestly had no idea that's not how everyone does it.

Sadly, however, afterwards, I needed a break (and the work I'd missed at my job were a huge dent in my income) and I had to drop from another show that I was acting in, after it had changed the schedule to a week after Terrordome opened.

Not being able to make the commitment without going broke, insane, or both, I called, and sadly, dropped.

But just to show there were no hard feelings, the director, his wife, and one of the other actors, showed up the folloing week with bags of groceries!

Sometimes friends surprise you in ways that don't altogether suck.

April

Not much happened to me except working at the video store nonstop and, y'know, discovering that alternate dimension.

Kind of depressing, really.

May.

This was the month I did my first ever audio post. Hoo-rah.

But then there was THE BLITZ, and I was able to sonically document the whole process of co-writing the musical with Morey Burnard, as well as take some really grainy pictures of the cast with my phone-camera.

Better is the three-DVD set offered by RASHfilms, which features (in the deleted scenes) this moment, where my show inspired Kathy Lynn Sliter and Molly Vanderlin to grope each other while thinking of me:

June.

It was in June that Joel Gersmann made the last phone call he would ever make to me.

A week later, he was dead.

I've said just about all I want to say on the subect here.

July.

Yup, this was the month that Sledgehammer Party finally opened, then ran through...

August.

...and finally closed in...

September.

...after which I wrote (and acted in) a short play about the smoking ban for WhoopDeDoo's production of "Smokin."

Oh, and this was the month I turned 34.

And that's all I'm gonna say about THAT subject.

October.

And the scariest thing about the month was that I didn't post anything.

November.

This was the month that the movie Jarhead was released, and I discovered that my old friend from college, Becky Boxer is in the film as "Dettman's Wife." (If you've seen the film, you probably remember her scene.)

I found this picture the other day, a publicity shot for a college show I was doing called TagTeam. So when Becky becomes a big huge movie star, you can say you got this exclusive gun fetish shot on my website. Mine.

Oh, yeah, and I wrote a novel.

December.

And here we are, back to the beginning of another year. In the following year I've got a short play coming up with Mercury Players called "May Is A Special Time Of Year" for their upcoming Mercury Rising show.

I'm kicking around getting involved with more digital filmaking this year, but more on this as it happens.

Happy New Year, everybody.

*Oh, and is there anything more obnoxious than people who post "TLDR?" Your day's so fucking busy you can't read one stupid post, but you're going to comment on it anyway? This is the kind of dickwad who plays D&D and cheats, like it's for money or some fuckin' thing.

2005-12-03T22:20:00.000-06:00

Welp, tomorrow night I'm going back to Jersey.

To Jersey.

To Jersey.

I'm going back to Jersey.

I don't think so.

Oh, wait, yeah I am.

Anyway, here's an audio post about just that. In it, I discuss cutting edge matters, like what you can and can't check through on an airplane--good news for handgun owners and ninja, but bad news for smokers and hand grenade collectors.

Which of those categories do I fit in? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2005-11-29T23:56:00.000-06:00

I.

Am.

So.

Tired.

Happy.

But tired.

Why?

Does THIS answer your question?

2005-11-23T09:07:00.000-06:00

This is something I said a while ago, regarding why voting for John Kerry was a good idea.

2005-09-16T10:30:00.001-05:00

That's right. I'm actually acting in something--and something I wrote, too.

It's one night only, but it's for a good cause, so for the love of God, show up:

Madison’s controversial smoking ban ignites Smokin'.
Proceeds to Benefit WhoopDeDoo’s own Hurricane Katrina Victim

From the creators of Sweet-Cannoli Nuptials, WhoopDeDoo Productions, Inc. presents Smokin’, a satirical cabaret event about Madison’s controversial smoking ban in bars and nightclubs. All proceeds from the Smokin’ event will go to one of WhoopDeDoo Productions founding members, Beth Shippert, and her fiancé Chris Myers who have been victimized by the hurricane Katrina after recently moving to New Orleans.

Beth Shippert was an original cast member and creator of Sweet-Cannoli Nuptials, the show that launched the beginning of WhoopDeDoo Productions. Beth was Gloria, the wacky Mary Kay-selling Maid of Honor. She also served as Vice-President on the Board of Directors and Dramaturg for WhoopDeDoo. Shippert received her BFA in Theater Arts at Stephens College in Missouri and has been on Madison stages performing in The Eight Reindeer Monologues, Harvey, and Much Ado About Nothing. Shippert and Myers moved to New Orleans for Beth to attend graduate school in Arts Administration. Myers, former Chef with Sundara in Wisconsin Dells recently started a new chef position in the French Quarter. Without a home, jobs or school to attend, they are returning to Madison.

WhoopDeDoo Productions, Inc., Madison’s most innovative theater company devoted to promoting original audience-engaging work presents this one-night only event on Sunday, September 18th at Fyfe’s Corner Bistro, 1344 E. Washington Ave. in Madison, Wisconsin. Doors open at 5:00pm and the show will begin at 7:00pm. Ticket prices are a suggested donation of $15.00. Reservations are recommended.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and I Will Survive are among the songs to be performed. Written excerpts from the show will be provided by local artists Rob Matsushita, Doug Holtz, Doug Reed, Steven VanHaren, and Greg Harris.

Join us for an evening of music and laughter.

For further information or to make reservations, contact WhoopDeDoo Productions at 608-442-5806.

So, go, drink, have fun, all that good kinda stuff there.

2005-09-02T01:17:00.000-05:00

An audio post regarding our closing weekend for Sledgehammer Party.

Oh, well, you can't please everybody.

"To rate it on a scale of Good-to-Catwoman: It sucked MORE than Catwoman."

Ouch.

And whatever.

2005-08-25T09:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know, I haven't posted in a while, not even to tell any of you guys how the show is going.

Or, jeez, for the love of God, comment on Gwen Quirk's needlessly bitchy review for the purposes of a Critical Blowback feature.

Well, I'll tell you--I was going to, but then some clever-ass beat me to it.

Go ahead, read it--he says pretty much everything I was going to say.

Oh, but a couple of things I'll add is that it is pretty fucking low to give away the ending of a locally written show--especially when she's totally misinterpreted it.

I mean, it's a total cliché to say a critic "didn't get it," but...she really didn't get it. To the extent of I'm wondering if she's ever actually read a play. Any play. At all.

Okay, here's the one quote I'll pull because it's the one that pisses me off and, I feel, truly shows her ignorance:

Howardcampbell.blogspot.com kind of brought this up, too, but "introducing the dramatic question" or, establishing the plot is not the first thing they teach you in playwrighting class.

It's the first thing they teach you in screenwriting class.

Now, apparently, I was supposed to set up a more tangible problem for the characters to solve (apparently, being stuck in a horrible marriage and having to combat a situation involving bitterness, disenfranchisement, and alcoholism all during a professional project that could make or break the future of the relationship isn't enough) as opposed to keeping the show on a more emotional level.

Did she notice that Who's Afraid Of Virgina Woolf, the play she compares it to, doesn't really do that either? Has she read it? Seen the play? Seen the movie? Or did someone just tell her that my show was like it?

I don't like to spoon-feed the audience. I actually like to give them some credit and not explain every fucking thing. If you don't have a sense of "who these characters are" by the end of the first scene, I have to wonder if you're paying attention.

Plus, there's this comment:

Now, this is so dismissive of their performances and efforts to bring this show to reality that it makes me wonder if this isn't personal in some way.

Look, I was expecting negative reviews.

I'll admit it, I was looking forward to them.

But, for some reason, blatantly stupid, mean, and incompetent writing always seems to blindside me.

You're dead to me, Quirk. The next time you ask me what I thought of one of your plays, I won't just make something up to be polite.

Ahhhhhhh. I feel so cleansed.

Y'know, freecookiesnow told me I should have bitched about this on LiveJournal on "friends only," but dammit, sometimes these things get away from me--and ripping on the cast is way OverTheLineSmokeyMarkItZero with me.

Next time, Debra, I promise. Shit, I wasn't even gonna do this again, but that review totally brought out the William Munny in me.

Anyway.

The show is doing okay. The OnMilwaukee.com review seems to be bringing in a bunch of new people (I can tell because people keep asking me "where they shouldn't sit." Answer: Avoid the corners.), so that's cool.

Obviously, I'd like us to be doing better, but we're averaging about nineteen or twenty a night--which doesn't sound really good (because it isn't) but it's better than a lot of shows there, lately.

It's funny, all three of the reviews seem to be describing three totally different shows.

For example, the Isthmus said:

And Core Weekly said:

Weird. Damn weird, I tells ya.

At any rate, we're in the last two weekends, here, and again, if you're wondering if you should see it, check out the trailer (now with links that actually work!):

Small Trailer

Large Trailer

It's also mirrored at the Broom Street Web Site.

Just for fun, here's a mock-up first draft of the poster for the my next Broom Street show:

That show, coming up next year, is about character of Harry Bowden trying to process the suicide of his girlfriend while trying to regain control of a hostage situation.

Oh, and it's going to be done in a radio format, and be in two parts. That's the plan.

Harry Bowden, by the way, is not only the main character of the show "Tech" (played then by Dave Durbin) that I wrote for "Computers In Love," but is the guy who Lynn, the lawyer from Orange Murder Suit (played by Molly Vanderlin), claims she had her "first orgasm with."

Lynn, by the way, also mentions that the firm she worked for once defended Polly, the kidnap victim of Welcome To The Terrordome (also played by Vanderlin).

Lynn also mentions that she once stole a law school classmate's car and hit-and-runned an old woman. This is the same old woman that the characters of Almo and Ives (played by R. Peter Hunt and Casey Sean Grimm, respectively) claim to have set on fire prior to the car accident (just prior, actually).

That car, by the way, was owned by Lester Green, played in Meeting Jerry Springer by Buck Hakes, who lived in the same dorm with Rosie Ruiz (Played in Meeting Jerry Springer by Liz Vickerman) who eventually got married and became Rosie Ruiz-Sackmann (played in Sledgehammer Party by Jennifer Pluff).

Another word about Lynn--she says she works for the law firm of Pierce, Hyde, and Gammon. She says that Edward Hyde (whose teenage son, Ellis, she has a crush on) is a nice guy, but that Gammon is a "sleaze."

Gammon (played by Jerry Shenk) appears in the Blitz 5 play "Because They Can," where he's defending pop sensation Kimi Rorschach (played by Kira Jebsen). Kimi was represented by West Covina Gloria Harding (Betsy McNeely) in the play FACEvalue. (In that show, Kimi was played by Jenni Polodna.)

West Covina Gloria Harding's half-sister, Detective-Sergant Harding (Deanna Reed), went on to meet her violent end at the hands of Joe and Kate (Buck Hakes and Molly Vanderlin), Psychos In Love. (Detective Harding being the one original character I added to the plot that was not in the original film.)

That's geeky enough for one day, huh?

See you at the show, kids.

2005-08-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids, have you seen my new show yet?

No?

Would the Windows Media trailer change your mind?

2005-07-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids.

No time to go into details, but tomorrow I'm going to be on Air America--specifically, the "Forward Forum" from 9am to 10am, plugging Sledgehammer Party.

We would like it very much for people to call in.

That is all.

2005-06-26T02:21:00.000-05:00

I'm talking for about a minute before I realize that no one is listening.

I've managed to make it onto the Stephanie Miller show, and I'm telling her about some right-wing blog's opinion, and going on about things that I define as facism, and I ask her for her opinion, and realize that there's no sound coming out of the phone.

I look at the clock. It's 11:02. Her show ends at 11.

I ran out of time.

I hang up, and go back to making pancakes, when the phone rings again.

"Dude, what the FUCK?!?"

It's my friend Seth.

I guess you listen to the Stephanie Miller show, huh?

"Dude! I like, almost never listen, but I just turned it on and--"

Yeah, I got squeezed on in the end, there.

We chatter about politics and talk radio, and we hang up.

I go back to my pancakes.

The phone rings. I'm guessing it's another friend of mine who listens to Stephanie Miller.

It's Tara.

Hey, Tara.

"Hi, Rob. So...have you heard?"

Heard what?

"I...guess you haven't. Joel passed away last night."

I...

I...

What?

"Joel passed away."

Joel?

"Yes."

Gersmann?

"Yes."

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, man. I...

"Yeah."

I...don't, I...oh, man.

"Yeah."

Was it his heart?

"We don't know. Callen talked to Geri, and she told him."

I call Callen.

Callen tells me that I've caught him between crying fits. It sounds like another one's coming.

I tell Callen that I always thought Joel would outlive all of us, just for spite.

Callen laughs.

I tell Callen I feel bad because I always thought he would have made up with my friend Bob before he...

"Yeah."

I think they would have.

"Does Bob know?"

I don't know, I just found out myself.

"Maybe you should call him."

I call Bob.

I get voicemail, so I leave a message.

I'm not leaving a "Joel is dead" message on Bob's voicemail, so I just tell him to call me back.

I don't say why.

I call Tracy.

I tell her. She sounds like she's holding it together. There's no tears yet, but they're in the mail, that's for sure. She tells me she has to call Matt.

The phone rings again.

"Rob, this is Aaron."

Oh, Hi, Aaron.

"Rob, I'm actually calling as a reporter, just so you know."

This is about Joel, right?

"Yeah. So you know?"

Yeah. He passed away last night.

"And you can confirm this?"

Well, I mean, I haven't even left the apartment. I'm still in what I slept in. Callen actually talked to Geri, and he knows more than I do. But no one really knows anything, yet.

"Right."

But, I mean, it's not a joke, if that's what you're wondering.

"Okay."

Hey, how did you hear?

"I heard it from Debra."

And how did she hear?

"She heard it from Tracy."

Heh. That's Broom Street for you.

We talk for a little bit, we hang up, and he calls me back again:

"I'm sorry if I seemed, y'know, callous."

No, no, not at all. We're all just still in shock, and I know what deadlines are like.

I feel the back of my neck pinch as I say the word "deadline."

Aaron tells me that chances are good someone will call me for a formal interview, regarding Joel, for a larger story.

"It won't be me...I'm, uh, not comfortable interviewing friends."

Understood.

The phone rings again.

It's Matt.

"Hey, what's up--I just talked to Tracy."

Yeah.

"Yeah."

We joke around and talk about the one subject we know we can't talk about and the one thing everyone is thinking: What happens to Broom Street now?

The reason we can't talk about it is because it would seem ghoulish.

The reason we have to talk about it is because we just don't know.

For years, Joel always said that if he died, the theater would die with him.

Well, I tell Matt, I guess we're gonna find out.

Matt seems to be taking it well. Better than I am. Already I'm retconning my entire relationship with Joel--I'm painting his behaviour in a more positive light.

"Well," Matt says, "that's natural."

It's like, when someone dies, I guess it puts everything else they did into perspective, because when it comes down to it, the one thing someone can do to you that pisses you off the most is die on you. And most people only do that once.

Matt laughs, and then realizes he's laughing, and then admits, "I haven't accepted it yet. I know it's coming. When it does, I'm sure it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks."

I take a shower, and the phone rings again.

It's Tara, again.

"Callen wanted to know if you had Joe's number."

I have it. I don't know if he and Jhen are back from their honeymoon.

"Did you want to call him?"

Yeah. I do.

"Callen figured he'd want to hear it from you."

Who else knows?

"Pretty much everyone."

Dude, I told, like, one person, and--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. People are meeting here at Callen and Brian's, if you want to come over."

I tell her yeah.

I hang up.

I call.

No fanfare, no nothing, I just tell him flat out: I have bad news. Joel passed away.

There's a silence that just isn't.

Joe tells me he'll tell Jhen. We both predict that she's going to take it hard. They were very close, Joel and Jhen. Joel always liked her.

For Joel to like somebody, that meant they were better than the bestest angel. Joel thought Mother Theresa was a fucking cunt loser.

I go to Callen and Brian's.

I see all the other directors at Broom Street. We talk a little shop, we trade Joel stories, and I admit that I feel a little bad that the last thing I posted on my weblog was Joel's insane phone call to me about taking out the garbage.

"But that's JOEL," nearly everyone says.

Someone tells me to leave it up.

I have to, I tell them. That's the last message he ever left me.

Telling me to take out the trash, nagging at me.

Forever.

Joel would have loved that.

Kevin Lynch from the paper calls and talks to various people, asking them for their experiences regarding Joel.

Matt's there, so he talks to him.

And, as predicted, it hits him like a ton of bricks. He shuts the door to the room he's in, it happens so fast.

Callen tells me that he finally got ahold of Bob. Bob, he tells me, is also taking it hard.

He and Joel had unfinished business, I say. It's understandable.

People talk about going to the theater and seeing the show. We all seem certain that if there isn't a show tonight, Joel would find a way to get us.

I have to go to work and can't get out of it.

I drive to work.

At work, I tell people, but no one knows Joel, and it's impossible to explain what my relationship with this man has been.

Joel Gersmann. A name often followed by the phrase "that fucker."

Joel Gersmann. A man who I strove so hard to impress once in my life.

A man who, that same year, enraged me to the point that I not only hung up on him, but slammed the phone down repeatedly on the hook until one of my roommates had to stop me.

Joel Gersmann, who directed the first play I ever see at Broom Street. A comedy called "Sexy Priests," about Catholic priests who molest children. I see it with three members of my family who happen to to be born-again Christians, and we all leave a little shell-shocked.

Joel Gersmann, whose house I used to hang out at during a time I was unemployed. We'd order pizza and watch Charlie Chan movies. Joel wants to write a play with me starring in it as Charlie Chan taking on the Japanese.

It will be called "Charlie Chan And The Rape Of Nanking."

He tries to talk me into doing it in blackface.

I don't want to do it in blackface, Joel.

"You don't want to do it in blackface? Why?"

Because I'll be killed, Joel.

"Would you rather do it in half blackface?

What does that mean?

"You know. Half your face would be blacken, and the other half would be--"

No. No. No. I don't want to do blackface, Joel.

"Okay, half-blackface it is."

CLICK.

Different directors deal with Joel in different ways. Joel deal with each director differently.

After a while, he and I just end up screaming at each other.

It's around here that I end up leaving the theater.

Joel calls me up one day, asking if I was planning on doing a show next year.

I tell him, honestly, no. I don't say why.

He doesn't ask and hangs up.

As I look around the video store, I realize that this is where I got the phone call from Matt that Joel wanted me to come back.

Joel.

Joel Gersmann.

Right now, in the here and now, at my job at the video store, I see that it's raining.

I just got this car, and was warned that it needs a lot of work, and whatever I do, "I shouldn't drive it in the rain."

I'm sure someone tells me why.

It seemed important at the time.

But I can't remember now.

There is a break in the rain, and I race home.

Trying to beat the rain.

I have to get to the theater before everyone leaves.

Everyone's there because...well, everyone feels they should.

There are people to catch up with.

There are people who I ended things with, badly.

There are people who I lost contact with entirely.

It's important that I get there.

So important, that I decide to skip going home and go right to the theater.

So important, that when I run a red light, and hit the brakes, my car leaves the road.

My car, my body, my life, crashes through the fence and I'm in the air.

I can see the pavement rushing up to me.

Then darkness.

Nothing.

Then.

A light.

It gets brighter.

I walk towards it.

As I get closer, I can see that the light is coming from some object in front of me.

A white desk telephone.

I look around. Only darkness, except from this phone.

It rings.

I look around.

It rings again.

I stare at the phone.

It rings again.

I suddenly realize that I'm unconsciously screening the call. For years, when I had a machine, people knew to get me to pick up the phone by saying "I'm not Joel."

I pick up the phone.

It's Joel.

"I'm calling for Rob Matsushita."

Joel?

"Is this Rob?"

Is this Joel?

As if it's not an importent question, Joel says, "Yes," dismissively.

Wait...where am I?

"Did you rememebr to take the trash out?"

Oh, god, I'm in hell.

"Oh, please."

Joel, do you have any idea how many people are mourning you right now?

"Oh, no one cares."

What? Joel--

"No, they're all glad to see me gone."

How do you know that?

"Because I've been doing this for a lot longer than you have, and--"

Doing wh--

"--people wanted to see me die. They've been hoping for it."

What are you talking about?

"Don't play dumb. You once killed me in one of your plays."

Oh, that doesn't count. That was "Irish Lesbian Vampire 2," and that was based on a scene from "Irish Lesbian Vampire." Which you wrote!

"Look, I am not prepared for this attack, and if you don't--"

This is not an attack, it's a fact--and who the fuck are you to point the finger at assassinating someone's character?!?

"What's that supposed to mean?"

What the fuck do you think it means, Joel?!? You were one nasty son of a bitch to a great many people, and I was one of them.

"Who was I ever nasty to? Name one person."

Oh, that's it.

I hang up the phone, slamming it down.

Again and again and again.

I sit on the floor, fuming.

Sigh.

The phone rings.

And rings.

And rings.

I pick it up, say Fuck you, and hang up.

The phone rings again.

And again.

And again.

I pick it up:

WHAT?!?

"Listen, if you keep hanging up on me, I'm not going to be able to explain to what's going on."

What is going on, Joel?

"Well, for starters, you didn't survive the crash."

I hold the phone to my chest, covering the mouthpiece, and laugh hollowly.

No fucking shit, Joel. I totally figured that out on my own.

"Well, it's your own fault for driving the car in the rain."

Some joke, eh, Steve?

Joel cackles at our private joke. I guess if I want sympathy for being dead, I'm talking to the wrong guy.

So this is...where?

"Well, you're in the Afterlife. It's different for different people."

What's it like for you?

"Well, the clothes are very comfortable, but let's face it, Heaven's going to go bankrupt pretty soon. Within the year. Everyone knows it, they're just not saying."

Uh huh.

"I mean, it's all the same old crap. Harps and halos, I get it already--where is the relevence?"

Uh huh.

"There's talk of upping the budget there, but please, no one goes to Heaven anymore."

Uh huh.

Hey, wait a minute, where are you if you're not in Heaven? Are you in hell?

"NO, I'm not in HELL," Joel says, annoyed.

Then where are you?

"You don't have to know that. So don't worry about it."

Well...

Well...

Is it nice? Where you are?

"Why do you ask?"

I'd... well, I'd just like to think it's somewhere nice.

There is a pause on the other end of the phone.

"Its okaaaaay," he says, mock tentatively.

I laugh.

So, I say, is Theatre there?

"Rob, I've told you, Theatre is dead--"

Ha-ha.

"Oh, that is so infantile," he says, laughing.

I realise, all at one, that I've been crying.

Am I going where you are?

There is a pause.

"No," he says.

Then where am I going?

"Oh, you're going back, I mean, come on."

I am? Then I survived the crash?

"There isn't going to be any crash," he tells me, but he's more yelling it. Considering that this is good news, you'd think he'd be gentler about it.

Then what--

"I've worked out something so that you're going to go back to that red light you ran."

You have?

"Yeah, so don't fuck it up. How many second chances have I already given you?"

Oy.

"First you'll go back. Then you need to go straight home.

But I wanted to go to the theater--

"You can take your bike if you want to, but leave the car home."

Uh-huh.

"Don't take the car."

Yes, Joel.

"Don't drive at all."

Yes, Joel.

"Go right home."

Joel, I gotta--

"If you have to, take your bike, but--"

Joel, I gotta go.

"Yes, yes, I know."

Okay.

"And Rob?"

Yes, Joel?

"Remember to take out the trash."

Thank you, Joel--

"Goodbye."

CLICK.

HOOOOOOOOOOONK! The guy in the car is yelling at me. I've been waiting at a green light for God knows how long.

I take a right, and then I'm home.

I bike to the theater in the rain.

But I'm too late. Everyone's gone home.

I open the theater door with my key, remembering what Joel once told me: "Remember, to unlock this door, you need a key."

Yes, he really said that.

I walk inside.

I sit on a bleacher.

Say what you will about Joel, the man was a uniter.

All of the directors may disagree on every other damn thing, but the one thing we all agreed on was that Joel was aggrivating.

Man, Joel, I say out loud, you had so many people in the world left to piss off.

I look around the empty theater, then at my watch.

The audience went home at eleven. It's now 11:32 pm.

I ran out of time.

I guess, sooner or later, we all do.

And it's up to the people left behind to figure out.

Fuck, I say to no one in particular.

Fuck.

I stare at the empty stage until I can't anymore, and then I go home.

2005-06-22T23:05:00.000-05:00

The first phone call from Joel Gersmann after starting the rehearsal process.

I feel this speaks for itself:

2005-05-28T16:23:00.000-05:00

Well, people seemed to respond really well to the Friday show (and if you're reading this, you'd better DAMN well come to tonight's show)...Morey and his band, Jimmy and the 'nards (Morey, Vince Burnard, Greg Burnard, and Jimmy Younger) did an AWESOME job.

You know, you say stuff at two in the morning to crack your writing partner up, and the next day, Kelly Kiorpes is up there singing it.

This is why we love The Blitz.

Here are some photos from the first dress rehearsal of the show Morey and I wrote, entitled Thug Passion 2: Discordia's Sunhine Death. Granted, the picture quality on most of these suck, but I actually kinda like the composition on this first one:

Kelly Kiorpes, looking over her lines in preparation for her big closing number, "You'll Never Take Me Alive."

Michal Fischer, the choreographer (who some of you may remember from Cementville), center, working with the rest of the cast (left to right: Major William Latimer, Chameleon, and Jeremy Withald) on the final number. (That's Laura Malischke's arm, down on the left, there)

Jeremy Withald posing, 007-style, with one of my guns.

The cast, waiting to go. Left to right: Anthony Lamarr, Laura Malischke, Major William Latimer, Chameleon, Jeremy Withald, and Anna Marquardt (who you also may remember from Cementville).

Kelly Kiorpes, waiting to deal out a decent dose of murder on Anthony Lamarr.

Special congrats and thank yous to director Bonnie Balke (who you yet again may also remember from Cementville), choreographer Michal Fischer, and the wonderful cast, who all did a fantastic job (particularly Kelly, who came up to me after the show, seemingly honestly concerned that she'd ruined it, which was SO not true): Kelly Kiopres, Anthony Lamarr, Laura Malischke, Major William Latimer, Chameleon, Jeremy Withald, Anna Marquardt, and, of course Pete Rydberg as "Jesus," who we just HAD to have.

And, of course, a big shout-out of DUDE to my writing partner, Morey Burnard (who may remember--oh, you know the drill). DUDE. SWEEEEET.

See you tonight, kiddies.

2005-05-27T04:33:00.000-05:00

Having just finished our Blitz 6 script.

2005-05-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

The internet premiere of Morey's song from our Blitz musical, "Lordy Me, I Do Love Beer."

2005-05-26T23:51:00.000-05:00

Just after working for an hour on our Blitz 6 show.

2005-05-26T20:09:00.000-05:00

This is the first of the Blitz 6 audioposts--here's the writers first getting there (or at least as much time as I had until my time ran out).

2005-05-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

Good evening, ladies and germs!

Man, I almost forgot to plug the upcoming Blitz.

Shame. On. ME!

Yep, I'm writing again for Blitz Mania VI, with a couple of new wrinkles. First, I'm writing on Friday, with the bulk of the new writers, and second, I'm writing with a partner (Morey Burnard), and third...(drumroll...)

It's the musical.

Oh, yes. It's the musical.

I've been doing this every year, and I'm damn excited this time. You can't DRAG me away from a Blitz.

What's the Blitz, you ask?

For those of you just joining us, here's the skinny from the Mercury Players website:

What could be crazier than to write, cast, direct, and produce 8 new plays from scratch, all within 24 hours? How about doing it TWO DAYS IN A ROW?

On both Thursday and Friday, May 26 and 27, at 8:00 p.m., eight writers or writing teams will gather at the Bartell Theatre and randomly pick titles out of a hat. Those titles become their parameters for a 10-15 minute original play. The writers then stay at the theatre overnight to write the plays to fit those titles, with an absolute deadline of 8:00 a.m. on Saturday. At that time, the plays are collected and copies made.

On Friday and Saturday mornings, May 27 and 28, the directors arrive at the Bartell. At 9:00 a.m., the eight directors are each randomly assigned to one of the eight plays. Then at 10:00 a.m., the actors are brought in and cast as quickly as possible. Between 10:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m., the casts will rehearse their plays and do their best to learn their lines, with the occasional run home for costumes and props.

At 4:00 p.m. comes the run-through on the Drury Stage, and the final chance to get technical details right.

At 7:30, the house opens.

And at 8:00, the curtain will go up on eight plays that didn't exist 24 hours before!

"Blitz Mania VI" will run for two nights only (with an entirely new slate of plays each time), on Friday, May 27 and Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 8:00 p.m. on the Drury Stage of the Bartell Theatre, 113 E. Mifflin Street, Madison.

Tickets are $12. Call (608) 242-0150 for information. Reservations will NOT be accepted. The Bartell Theatre is fully wheelchair-accessible, and ample parking is available in the neighboring Mifflin Street Ramp.

By the way, here's the lineup of the other writers for Friday:

Patrick Fernan
Ryan Good
Robert Jahrling
Gary Kriesel
Gwen Quirk
Karen Saari & Sunny Shoemaker
Steven Van Haren

Steve, you may remember as Carl, from my show FACEvalue, and oddly, Patrick Fernan wrote and directed the first play I ever saw in Madison.

The Saturday night writers' lineup:

Matt Cibula
George Gonzalez
Phil Heckman
Greg Lawless
Therese Kattner
Jaime Niedermayer
Doug Reed
Andrew Rohn & Catherine Capellaro (musical)

This is really the All-Stars of writing night, where all the veterans come out to play. So please--See BOTH nights. I swear you will NOT regret it.

Yeah. I live for the Blitz, man.

So, for the first time ever, I'm going to be audioblogging DURING THE WRITING PROCESS so that people can get a sense as to how this goes.

Dude.

No, no.

DUDE.

2005-05-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids! It's my first ever AUDIO POST!

In an effort to just test out the process, my first audio post is mainly about Team America: World Police, which just came out on video this week. At the time of seeing it, I found myself laughing but shaken, saying, "There's a big difference between Eric Roberts getting cannibalized on South Park and Janeane Garafolo getting shot point-blank in the face with a 12 gauge." (The audience I saw it with seemed actually kind of stunned into silence at that scene.)

Do I feel the same way now? Yes and no.

And yes.

2005-05-01T01:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, alternate-universe me is really starting to piss current-universe me off:

I don't know what's worse, the fact that I haven't even put my show up yet and he's got the alternate version ready, or the fact that his one is already sold out in advance.

I don't know if I should be jealous of that or not.

2005-04-29T11:40:00.000-05:00

Here's another poster from a show that "Bobby," the alternate-universe me, did at the Kanopy Prayer And Detention Center, which is off Alternate State Street (that's what it's called), down from You Will Eat These Noodles And Like Them, Bitch And Company:

Oh, well, it's nice to see him breaking off from Walmart Street Theater for a little while, though I much prefer the stuff they do at that scrappy Underdog Foundation.

2005-04-28T17:52:00.000-05:00

Here's a little souvenir from my trip last week to an alternate universe:

More to come. That "Bobby Matsushita" is really successful, over there!

2005-04-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

Bitten from a bunch of LiveJournal folks...

I normally don't do these, but this was too cool to pass up.

The above is the issue of Time that came out on THE VERY DAY I was born (not just the week).

Click the cover to find your own.

2005-03-30T22:23:00.000-06:00

In case you saw "Welcome To The Terrordome" and were wondering what was on the Polaroids:

2005-03-24T14:27:00.000-06:00

Man, are we at the end already?

Yup, that's right. "Welcome To The Terrordome" ends this weekend.

This very weblog has seen the beginning of this idea, through the outline, through some initial reactions, to the beginning of the production, to our notorious final rehearsal, and now, two jobs, two theater companies, one marriage, a handful of friendships and relationships, four drafts, three apartments, one front set of teeth, and one SWAT team later, we're at the end of the line.

It's weird how I feel about this show, for many reasons. It's my first full-length not done by Broom Street, as well as the first full-length show that I didn't direct myself.

Actually, I was a lot more involved with this than I had expected to be, mainly having to do with a series of personal and theatre conflicts leading up to the beginning of the rehearsal process--originally, I was only supposed to be available to clarify script decisions and whatnot, and ended up being full-on stage manager.

Not that I'm complaining--this has been a ride. Oh, not all of it has been pleasant--this schedule has been a nightmare, and trying to coordinate it with a production staff of just Kathy and I has been a bitch and a half. It doesn't help that when we cast this almost two years ago, a few of the actors hadn't done a lot of shows, and by the time we started rehearsal, they were all in demand--not to mention having to find spaces to rehearse (this led to a lot of general frustration, until we finally found the Atwood Community Center), and having to work around the cast's work and other theatre schedules--at one point, I equated the show to the filming of "Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow," with rehearsing with each actor individually and then putting it all together.

I'd be complaining, but WHY?!? Looking back, that's kinda what makes the whole thing cool.

Let's face it, we don't do theatre for the money, or to be famous, or whatever. We do it to be a part of The Story. I mean, it's been hard, but I can't say that it's been boring, that's for sure.

David Devilbiss, who designed our lights, told me that this is what he loves about the process--the whole seat-of-your-pants, crazy-ass, maybe-we'll-do-it-maybe-we-won't attitude. His lighting for the show is just great--and if you've seen the space, you know it's not the easiest space to light.

R. Peter Hunt, probably the member of the cast that I've known the shortest amount of time, is also wonderful to work with. He and I talked a little bit about the role of Almo, and what I told him I liked about his performance was that the character of Almo could easily be the most thankless role in the show--I mean, he's sort of the sidekick of the heavy...but Peter really likes playing the character. He said something about being the character who just reacts without speaking, or stands to the side...sometimes that can be the most interesting character to play. Honestly, the way he plays the role, I don't think anyone thinks of Almo as a secondary character.

And then there's Casey Sean Grimm, as Ives. Of course, I wrote this script with him originally in mind for Ives, basing the writing around his genuine intelligence, and wanting to give him a role I hadn't seen him play yet (of course, since 2001, he's played a variety crazy roles without needing help from me). One of the fun things about being able to sit in on the rehearsal process has been watching Casey evolve as Ives, and watch Ives become something crazed, then mean, then human, then all of the above. Like I say, I wrote this with Casey in mind, but it wasn't anything I'd seen him do yet--I just had faith that he could and wanted to. It's the bizarre relationship between him and Peter, as well as the even stranger dynamic that he has with Molly, that helps this be more than just "Death And The Maiden, 90210."

Speaking of Molly Vanderlin, she's another one who I wrote the script having her in mind. She was in Yoshi's Heroes, the first full-length show I did, as the character of Daisy, who was sort of the serious, tragic character of that show. It seems strange to say, knowing Molly, who's one of the nicest, sweetest people I know, to think that one of her great strengths is that she can bring an air of tragedy to a role. When she's sad, you're sad. The whole world is sad. That said, she also has a core of playfulness, too, which seemed right for Psychos In Love. Part of who Polly is is that she's smart, yes, but also funny, and a little wiley. Of the cast, Molly's the person I've known the longest, and I know that this has been a hard role for her, not just physically, but emotionally. This show is an emotional marathon, and Molly's been called upon to cry real tears while the audience is laughing. I'll be the first to admit that there wasn't alot on the page for the character of Polly (I had more or less intended her to be the center of gravity for the audience), nor could I think of a good way to get that backstory out there with being obviously expositional. She and Kathy Lynn Sliter, the director, worked out some general backstory, but for the most part, Molly just jumps into it and claws her way out. Without an actress who's willing to do that, none of it works. Speaking of such...

Amy Sawyers as Nyx. Holy fucking shit. Nyx was the character I wrote with no one in particular in mind, and just hoped that we could find someone who looked teenage-aged, and could play it. About a year later, I was casting the show Bash for Mercury Players, and she read for it. Although I didn't cast her (she was too young for it), in the back of my head, I instantly thought of her as Nyx. Nyx is one of those characters that can seem thankless (she has the least amount of stage time, yet the arc of the show revoles around her). The thing about that character is that she's talked about and built up to so much that the real danger is not having a performance that matches that buildup. What I wanted with Nyx was to have all this hinting and buildup, and when she finally enters, it's like we're in a WHOLE NEW PLAY. And that's what Amy brings to the table. She's got this weird intensity, and is another actress who's not afraid to take a few bullets (or, conversely, lose a few teeth) to get it right. And I love how she exits the stage after her first scene--not like she's gonna do some damage, but like she's on her way to the prom.

And, last, but not least...

Kathy, Kathy, Kathy Lynn Sliter, our director.

The first thing I'd seen her direct was a script that I had read in advance, thinking it was seriously one of the worst scripts ever. And yet, the play was interesting, moving, touching, and emotional--pretty much all the things that the script wasn't. Usually, in theatre, the director only gets noticed if he or she is bad, or incompetant. It's just the nature of the medium. Kathy was someone who I eventually, worked with on Psychos In Love, where she acted for me, and somewhere in there, I gave her a copy of the script. She wanted to direct it, and I wanted her to. Kathy's gone from being a director I admired, to an actress I loved working with, to being my friend, to being my best friend, to being one of the most important people in my life. Part of what's kept us going on this is her determination and drive to not just push the script, but me personally as well. What she's helped to do is punch forward all of the dramatic elements, and force us to see the--of all things--humanity in the situation. She can take the horrific and make it human. (I feel a parody of "The Candyman" coming on.) Let's face it, this show would just not have happened if not for her.

So, to everyone involved (in no particular order), Kathy, Molly, Casey, David, Amy, and Peter, thank you, thank you, thank you. This was just some random thing I wrote during a Christmas break on a dare, but you've helped make it something I'm proud to be a part of.

Closing weekend, kiddies.

Go and do.

2005-03-11T12:14:00.000-06:00

Tonight, finally, we open "Welcome To The Terrordome." Here's some art I was playing around with that we may not use for the front window. Click for more info on the show.

It's been a long, fly-by-night, occasionally stressful, ultimately rewarding journey, but we're here. I honestly don't know how the show will do or what to expect tonight, but right now, I feel pretty good.

Okay, so last night was our last rehearsal, at the Atwood Community Center.

We get to the scene where Casey punches Molly in the stomach, and Amy's big entrance, when we hear a sharp knock at the back window.

I look at Kathy, the director, who, judging by the look on her face, thinks the same thing I do: It's some drunk hassling us.

I go to the back door, and looking through the window, I see three female police officers, one wearing body armor and readying an AR-15 assault entry rifle, another with a 12 gauge shotgun resembling the one we use in the show, and the woman I assume is the lead officer (she's the one who knocked).

As carefully and as non-threateningly as possible, I open the door, and as I do, I see that the lead officer is pointing what looks like a 9mm Sig Sauer to the ground in one of those two-handed grips we've all seen cops do on TV, as she says to me, "So...rehearsing a play, huh?"

They come in to give a look around.

Casey, who didn't know there were cops at the door, is just sort of standing around with his hands in his pockets, and the second the lead officer comes in, she instantly says to him, "TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS, SIR."

Casey, faster than the eye can see, pulls his hands out of his pockets and raises his hands, the universal sign language for "please don't shoot me with that AR-15 assault weapon."

"Haven't you people ever heard of blinds?" The lead officer says.

Kathy and I try to explain that the room we're in has no blinds, but we're kind of frazzled.

I look to the body-armored woman with the AR-15, who looks at me and smiles, sheepishly. Kathy, hours later, will refer to her as "the cute one." I smile back, just as sheepishly.

The lead officer asks, "What's this play you're doing?"

I tell her that it's called "Welcome To The Terrordome."

The cute AR-15 woman in body armor chuckles and says, "what?"

I repeat the title and the lead officer gives her a look, points to the back door, and says, "uh...yeah," in the kind of tone that could say, "it's possible that you're freaking these people out," but probably says, "there's no need to use that assualt rifle today."

The AR-15 woman walks out, quickly. As she leaves, it occurs to me that she's the youngest of the three cops, and was probably smiling more out of relief (that the situation didn't call for deadly force) than anything.

The lead officer walks forward. "So, do we have any weapons here today?"

R. Peter Hunt, who looks very relieved he made the decision to put down his shotgun before the cops came in, sort of points at the shotgun with his elbow.

I tell the officer--who instantly recognizes Peter's shotgun as being real (it used to be the shotgun of a Madison cop, in fact)--that the shells in the shotgun are dummies. She carefully unloads the dummy shells from the shotgun, but one of the shells won't come out.

"Whoop! We got a feed jam, here," she says.

I swear I am not making this up.

"Okaaaaay," she continues, "any other weapons?"

Casey indicates the plastic sawed-off shotgun prop he has for the show without touching it or going anywhere near it. The lead officer checks that too. Casey has to show her how to break it open.

The other cop, who also seems generally amused (we've all gone from being freaked to being relieved), notices the beer cans we use for the show.

The lead officer says, "so do we have alcohol here, tonight, or is that--"

"It's watered down apple juice," Casey says.

As the second cop looks at the beer cans and ascertains that they do not have beer in them, she notices something on the table: "What is this?"

Kathy, the cast and I, all simultaniously say, "Oh."

I say, that's a spring-loaded police baton. It's made so--

"--It's been adapted for stage purposes," Kathy says.

Yeah, I say. Yeah.

The second officer picks it up. Amy Sawyers, who plays Nyx and has been training with it, looks as if she's debating whether or not to show her how it works, but decides not to.

The lead officer smirks a little, and says, "Okay, so we got two shotguns...beer cans..." She points to the baton on the table. "...That thing..." she notices Molly, who's been quietly watching this whole thing with her hands cuffed behind her back with my handcuffs. "Nice handcuffs, ma'am."

"Thank you," Molly says.

"...So, yeah, I'm thinking you could have invested in some curtains."

So, I guess somebody called, huh?

"Yup," the lead officer says, "he and his wife are outside."

They are?

"Yeah, along with half a dozen other officers."

Peter looks out the window: "Holy--"

Just then, another female officer wearing body armor comes in, holding open the door, and a man in a suit walks in, smiling and relieved, and saying "I gotta see this play!"

He apologized to all of us, but we all say, no, no, that's totally okay, and I admit to the lead officer that, yeah, we probably should have contacted the operations officer.

"Yeah," she says. "We probably still would have come, but we would have called you first."

"We honestly didn't know we could be seen from the street," Kathy says, and notes that this rehearsal, she for some reason sat in such a way that although you could see the actors, you couldn't see her.

The man who called the cops introduces his wife to us, and Casey shakes their hands, assuring him that he really is a nice guy. Kathy offers him tickets to the show, and I give him (and the cops) a handbill.

I notice an odd-looking gun in a holster on the lead officer's belt. It looks like a Glock 26 at first, but when I look closer, it looks more like one of those disc-guns from the 1960's, but black.

Excuse me, I say pointing to the same point on my own body, but what's this gun you have here?

"Ah. This is the controversial Taser gun they just had the big meeting about." She takes it out of the holster and shows it to me, taking out the green front-piece, unloading it.

Coooooool.

"Yeah," she says, "They're fun."

"Oh, man," Kathy says, "we're gonna be here all night, now."

I gave the cops a handbill, they take our numbers, and everyone leaves, smiling.

Silence.

We all look at each other.

I say, Well, that's making my weblog tomorrow.

"Did you see the size of that fucking gun that cop had?" Peter says.

The AR-15? Yeah. Holy shit.

"Dude," Casey says, "they sent a SWAT team! We got SWATTED!"

Amy asks Kathy, "what do we do now?"

"Just pick up where we left off."

"Can we have a cigarette, first?" Peter asks.

Kathy wholeheartedly agrees.

"You know, they were probably waiting out there for a while before they made their move," Casey says, "they came in about five minutes after I punched Molly. How did the punch look, by the way?"

"Dude, that punch was fucking awesome."

Yeah, that was a good punch.

"Really?"

Dude, I say, it was so good it forced the police to MAKE THEIR MOVE.

Anywho, it opens tonight. Please come and see what all the ruckus is about. Enjoy some more rehearsal photos below.

Oh, and if any of the ten officers who showed up should happen to be reading this, I think it goes without saying that you're comped.

Casey putting Molly's bruise makeup on. Aw.

Amy stretching while Peter gets some notes.

Yeah, I think it was somewhere in here that the cops showed up.

Ahem.

2005-03-01T08:49:00.000-06:00

A special set of snaps to bookbear for calling up The Stephanie Miller Show and giving a shout-out to Psychos In Love for killing off Ann Coulter (amongst other right-wing wackos)!

(at least I think it was him--I didn't tune in until after the call had started--please correct me if I'm wrong.)

2005-02-25T21:30:00.000-06:00

"7:35 In The Morning" is one of the Best Short Subject (Live Action) Oscar nominees this year. After watching it here, I had the following revelation:

Nacho Vigalondo may have been put on this earth to bring one of my plays to the big screen.

And I don't feel the least bit creepy saying that.

2005-02-23T10:29:00.000-06:00

Where I've been lately.

As a few of you know, I've been working on "Welcome To The Terrordome," which Kathy Lynn Sliter (a.k.a. The Mighty Lady) is directing.

What you may not know is that the dates have changed.

That's right:

"Welcome to the Terrordome" now opens on March 11th, and not the 4th, as recently reported.

It kinda came down to whether we wanted to kill ourselves and deliver an okay show, or bite the bullet and deliver a great show.

Here's the new poster:

It's basically the same a the old poster, but with the correct dates on it. (It also doesn't have the year 2004 on it--Jesus, I am a dummy.)

(A double-dummy, apparently, since I made the same mistake again and had to change it.)

Other fun Terrordome-related stuff...

There's a scene in the show where Ives (Casey Grimm) looks at Polly's (Molly Vanderlin) driver's license. To avoid a possible disaster (you try and say "Polly" while reading "Molly"), and because the theater space is small emough that people might actually see it, I made a license for the character:

This show, as you can see, is set in the fictitious suburb of Claymore, where a lot of my stories are set, and have been, pretty much since high school. I've never said what state that Claymore is in (although it's pretty clear that it's somewhere on the East coast), not because I want it to be like Springfield, but for some reason I think that if you say New Jersey, that may color how people walk into the show.

That said, I did put "New Jersey" on the license before smudging it out

Oh, and the Claymore "crest" says "Front Towards Enemy" at the top. That's what's written on the front of a claymore mine, shown below.

Here's a few snaps I took during the rehearsal process.

Here's Casey, Molly, and R. Peter Hunt as Almo:

Here's Amy Sawyers who plays Nyx, helping us out by being on book for us so we can watch the action:

Here's Casey, looking damn creepy as Ives.
(This is the picture that comes up on my phone when he calls me, by the way.)

Another action shot with Molly, Casey, and Peter.

Peter approaching Molly:

Peter, taking a break to watch while Casey and Molly continue their scene.

Remember, we're opening on the 11th.

Oh, and check out RentalRejects.com--once this show is running, I'll be doing a lot of work for the site, but you should check out the work Russ has been doing so far, because he's getting it all set up. If the site looks good, it's because of him.

2005-01-08T13:37:00.000-06:00

Hello, darling. Haven't seen you in a while.

Yes, it's true. One of my horseshit New Year's Resolutions was to post up here more often.

One of the things I've been doing lately is working on some pre-publicity for my next show, "Welcome To The Terrordome," which is going to be this March at the Kanopy Dance Center.

Part of that meant a new poster, as well as one that would look good in black and white (so that it can be easily photocopied).

I've always liked posters. Working on them, looking at them, whatever. When I go to the movie theater, I always like to budget in some time to look at the new posters.

Now, I've already done a quick-and-dirty poster for "Terrordome," but that was never really intended to be the end-all-be-all final poster.

Even so, I thought it might be interesting to see the development of that poster. Here's the first draft:

I wasn't crazy about it, and neither was Kathy Lynn Sliter, the director. It's a bit too comic-booky, considering the work. I liked the idea of having the character of Polly trapped by the two shotguns, but...a little too...something.

By the way, none of these are the actors involved with the production. The shotgun-holders I lifted from a picture of a shotgun comptetition (I digitally shortened the barrels of the guns to make them look more like combat shotguns), and the woman I got from typing "woman tied to chair" in a Google Image Search.

Yeah. Just see what you come up with.

So, yes, indeed, the woman in the poster is from some bondage porn site, and I had to digitally add clothes to her, as well as making her look white, instead of Asian.

Here's the second draft:

This was closer to the idea of what I was thinking, but the stylized "shotguns-as-prison-bars" look just doesn't work at all.

So, I abandoned that and went with the final image, deciding to go pulpy:

I like this, but I'm still not crazy about how she turned out. I tried redoing her hand, but it just looked weird.

Somewhere along the line I saw this poster for a movie coming up called "The Night:"

FOR THOSE PEOPLE JUST SKIMMING: I DID NOT DO THE ABOVE POSTER.

I don't know how good the movie's going to be, but I was inspired by the idea of taking a simple image that conveys the spirit of the overall work, plus leaving enough to the imagination that it would make you curious.

Hey, I was curious enough about the poster to visit the website, so that should tell you something right there.

I started looking around one of the coolest websites ever: Internet Movie Poster Awards.

It's sort of like The Internet Movie Database, but for just movie posters. Really cool.

So, inspired, I put together a new poster, having an idea of making it look sort of like a 1950's pulp novel cover.

Here's the color version of the new poster:

And here's the black and white version. I had to move the blood spatter over so that it didn't obscure the type (not a problem in the color version).

Also, I came up with another idea for advertising for Sledgehammer Party.

Now, here's the original poster, again:

Then I had this idea to sort of go with another look, using items used in the show and going with sort of a product-oriented campaign:

Admittedly, I was kind of inspired by the "Fight Club" campaign, and I thought this might be eye-catching.

Still, I'll need something in black-and-white, and I'll probably need to do something that more explicitly gets the tone of the show. This is more of a "tease" kind of campaign, or, really, more of a "collectable" rather than practical advertisment. Maybe I'll make t-shirts and stickers with them.

Here's a very early design for that most infamous of play ideas of mine, "Hitler Was Right." Inspired by this exchange from discussing a certain BST show:

Hey, I'm not saying don't see it, or even whether or not it's going to be a good play--part of my point is that when it comes to the image of the theater, the damage has already been done.

BST has always been known for making plays from strange, controversial, or taboo subjects, but in this case, this may be BST's first impression on a lot of people--and it's a negative one.

Here's a heavily loaded analogy: Let's say I wrote a play called "Hitler Was Right: The True Story Of Why The Niggers And Kikes Should Be Wiped Out On The Great Day Of The Rope."

And then I turn around and say, "Wow, so many people seem upset and they haven't even seen the show yet! I can't imagine why. Besides, the show's really about these three teenage girls and a shopping spree."

Like I say, a loaded analogy, but my point is the title was chosen for a reason. To get attention.

But at the same time, I don't even remember the name of the group that did "Unabomber: The Musical." So maybe I'm just taking it all too seriously.

Concept plays are pretty much as old as theatre itself, so it's likely that BST will survive, and just be considered an interesting footnote in the Audrey Seiler saga.

Rob Matsushita
Jul 29 2004, 09:38 am @mail @http

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So when are the auditions for "HWR: TTSOWTNAKSBWOOTGDOTR"?

Fountain Al
Jul 29 2004, 10:17 am @mail @http

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depends on whether we can get Hyperion next Tuesday. Mercury's production of "George W. Bush Ass-Rapes Babies While Dick Cheney Masturbates On The American Flag While Both Of Them Sing Along To 'Die Fahne Hoch,' Plus Marilyn Quayle Paints The Whole Thing With Her Own Feces" may have the space that day.

That show, by the way, is a costume drama set in the 17th Century about a teenage boy and his horse, named Chastity.

Rob Matsushita
Jul 29 2004, 10:30 am @mail @http

Anyway, here's the poster--with a changed title based on a suggestion from my mom:

I'm feeling a bit like Doris Wishman, a trash filmmaker who would often come up with the title first, then devise the poster and ad campaign, then start shooting, and then think about writing the script.

I'd actually like to conclude this with the poster I just sent fellow playwrights Doug Reed and Lisa Konoplisky, in order to assure them that there really was a movie called "The Boneyard," that featured Phylis Diller and a giant killer poodle:

Just keep telling yourself: It's only a poodle...it's only a poodle...it's only a poodle...

For a look at a couple of posters I made for Matt Gryzbowski's upcomping "Proper: The Series," check out his Upcoming Projects page here.

2004-12-06T15:26:00.001-06:00

Now, here's a snapshot from hell:

Yes, that's right. Kathy and I went to protest a Phelps Compound rally on November 20th.

Fred Phelps, for those of you lucky enough not to know, is the founder of the Westbor: Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. He's also the creator of the infamous website GodHatesFags.com. (Which I am NOT going to link to. However, I will link to GodHatesFigs.com.)

Phelps' people, and not Phelps himself, came to protest East High School's production of "The Laramie Project," a popular dramatization of the effects of Matthew Shephard': murder on the small community it happened in. Phelps himself is a character in the show.

Some of you may remember, that Phelps has been using Matthew Shephard's murder for years. These are the guys that picket his memorial, picketed the funeral, as well as demonstrate at the funerals of other gay men and women, insisting that they are burning in hell.

Phelps insists that he is a champion of the first amendment.

I love that.

It totally sidesteps the fact that he and his group are a bunch of fucking assholes for protesting funerals.

Anyway, Kathy and I show up, with the F.A.Q. from their website. The idea is that we're going to do a dramatic interpretation of the tenets of their church. It's our basic belief that you can't say anything worse about them than what they say about themselves every day.

The Phelps Compound hasn't arrived yet, but there's already a ton of people in front of the school. We run into a group of people holding signs and say hello.

They tell us that Phelps hasn't arrived yet. His group had been here earlier, for the 2:00 show, but saw there were anti-them protestors already there and left.

"That's good to hear," Kathy said, "that people were already showing up to deal with this guy."

"Well, we've been to a lot of these," one of them tells us, "whenever Phelps shows up, we try and be right there."

Kathy mentions that earlier, we'd been reading the God Hates Fags F.A.Q., and that she'd been checking all his quotes in the bible, to see how accurate they were.

Yeah, I said, he's extremely liberal in his interpretation of the text.

For example, his favorite quote, from Leviticus 18:22, he quotes on his site as: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination."

But in context, the full chapter says a great many things are wrong, including: "None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD." (Leviticus 18:6) If you know anything about the Phelps family, they're breaking this one left and right. (There's a certain amount of inbreeding within the Phelps Compound.)

Oh, and before you bring up the argument that the bible says a lot of things, like how you can't wear two types of fabric, or be within fifty feet of a menstruating woman, be advised that Phelps has an answer for that one, too:

Finally, people ask this question to try to prove a point. And the point is "the Mosaic Code contains lots of stuff that we don't follow anymore--why should we still follow the verse that forbids sodomy?" For example, "if it's OK to eat pork, why isn't it OK to commit sodomy?" I believe I've answered this above, but I'd like to point out that the above statement makes about as much sense as "if it's OK to eat pork, why isn't it OK to murder?"

Take a moment to recover from that. I'll wait.

Anyway, I said that if it ever came down to bible quotes, I was totally ready to throw down Leviticus 11:38, "Fear leadith to anger. Anger leadith to hatred. Hatred leadith to...THE DARK SIDE."

From here, I run into my friends Scott and Frannie. We talk for a few seconds when someone ahead points at an approaching car and yells "That's them!"

Slowly, the car goes by.

Good evening, Mr. Phelps, I say. Scott laughs.

The crowd is huge, and there are only about twelve of the Phelps people.

What's really odd is the way they enter. The Phelps people walk right through the middle of the group and hold up their signs, just outside of school property.

The police are standing around, generally looking grim.

The large group of us move to follow. I see different signs, like:

Leviticus 11:9-12: God hates shrimp, too!

And:

God Loves Diversity

And:

Go back to Kansas!

And:

All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

I tell the guy holding that sign that I debated bringing a sign that said:

if I looking for frog. him name is hopkin green frog. P.S. I'll find my frog.

Now, I haven't been to a lot of other protests, but usually, when one group is protesting another, there's a designated distance both groups have to stay from each other. But this is one big huge group, with opposing forces just thrown in the center. What's the deal?

I walk up to one cop, and ask, hey, is there a specific distance we're supposed to stay back?

The cop doesn't look at me or acknowledge me, and I don't really expect him to. He does turn to the cop next to him, whispers something in his ear, and then turns to the group of us, saying that we just have to make sure we're not on school property. I look down. We're all standing on the front lawn.

"Where do we go, then?" Kathy asks.

"The sidewalk," we're told.

The dynamics of the group change somewhat, as Scott and I are suddenly separated from Kathy and Frannie by a couple dozen people.

We walk around, but we can't get through.

"Where are they?" Scott asks, "Do you see them?"

Nope. I think they're near the front of this big crowd.

Scott suggests we cross the street to get another look, so we do.

We see that the Phelps guys are basically just pin-pointed within the crowd, holding up their signs.

The crowd chants at them: "PRAY! YOU'LL NEED IT! YOUR CAUSE WILL BE DEFEATED!"

One guy screams this through a bullhorn directly into the ear of a guy holding a sign that says "AIDS IS GOD'S CURSE." The AIDS guy leans over to the cop who's standing a few feet away, and I hear the cop tell him, "Sorry, we can't do anything unless he touches you."

Heh.

We cross the street and make our way back into the crowd. Scott goes to look for Frannie, I keep on looking for Kathy.

As I go in, I walk by two little kids, a girl and a boy, about eight and ten, both by themselves, both holding a sign that says "GOD HATES FAGS" on it. As I pass them, I hear the girl tell the boy, "We're the only ones in this whole crowd who know what's really going on in the world."

I contain my sadness and keep moving.

I find Kathy in front of a guy holding a sign that says: "MATTHEW SHEPHERD 6 YEARS IN HELL." She's got her bible out, as well as the printout.

"God hates fags!" the guy yells, with this beautifully pathetic look of self-righteous determination on his face.

"Is that all you've got?" Kathy asks him. "That's all you've been able to say. Do you have any other material?"

"GOD HATES FAGS!!!"

"Seriously," Kathy says, offering the printout from the God Hates Fags site, "do you need to borrow this?"

A group behind Kathy laughs, and slightly--just slightly, the guy's resolve cracks a little as he looks in Kathy's direction. Kathy smiles at him and holds up the bible. "Should I read some more?" she says.

Nearby I see a woman holding a "GOD HATES FAGS" sign in one hand and a camcorder in the other. She's a young woman who looks familiar to me.

Later, Kathy tells me her picture is on Phelps' site. This is her on the Howard Stern Show. She's the one on the right, with the big grin and good posture. (And have you ever seen anything scarier than the kid on the bottom middle of the screen? Holy crap, it's the Children Of The Corn!)

The camcorder, I'm told, is so they can record any violence done to them by the protestors.

A woman suddenly gets in the face of the Phelps guy Kathy's reading the bible to. The nearby cop steps up, ready.

This woman's a bit more confrontational, and is very much in this guy's face, and suddenly a member of the group walks in, gently pushing her back.

This guy, Kathy tells me, is from one of the gay protest groups.

This is how the Westboro Baptist Church makes their money: by showing up, pissing everybody off, waiting for someone to hit them, and then suing the shit out of them.

The guy defusing the fights is on our side--in general, he's just trying to keep people from getting sued.

THis is the incredible thing about the Phelps family--Phelps will talk the live-long day about how they're a non-violent group, and yet they'll use the most amazingly insulting and violent language possible. They'll hold up signs that say "Thank God For Sept. 11," or "Fags are worthy of DEATH," and then get all pious and superior when someone hits one of them.

Now, if some white guy went to South Central L.A., and started calling everyone niggers, chances are, he'd get beat up.

Would the people doing the beating be in the wrong?

Yyyyyyyyyyyeah, but the guy would still be an asshole.

If anyone reading this ever does go to one of their performance pieces, I should let you know a few things:

1) No matter how tempting it is, do not hit them.

2) SEE RULE #1.

3) As the old saying goes, the tyrant fears laughter more than the assassin's bullet. Don't hit. Ridicule. They hate it--hatehatehatehateHAAAAATE it--when someone seems more clever than they are. Be creative. Bring an audience.

4) Know your bible. They certainly don't. Not if you really press them on the issue.

5) These people only date their cousins. Ultimately, they will die out because THEY HAVE NO DATING POOL.

Soon, the camcorder girl leans over to a cop. It looks like they're leaving, and need a safe way out.

They start to leave, and people cheer.

Kathy's about to yell something to a group of Phelps people when she sees the same two kids I saw earlier, and stops. "Just get these kids out of here," she says to a female officer, who's escorting them.

"Thank you," the cop whispers to her.

"DON'T COME BACK!!! DON'T COME BACK!!!" the crowd chants.

Everyone follows them to their car.

As they walk past house after house, the people in those houses boo them.

Funny, I think to myself, they don't seem to like dealing with the treatment that they've openly wished on gays and lesbians, and they're experiencing it for just a few minutes. And gays and lesbians have been dealing with this same treatment for years. Hmm.

They get into their car, and do a particularly awkward job of pulling out.

The drive off.

I say to the car as it peels away, Your mission, Mr. Phelps, should you choose to accept it, is to pack up your shit and get the fuck out of my town.

Before we go home, we're told that the Phelps Compound was only here for a total of thirty-seven minutes.

I say, Thirty-seven?

In a row?

2004-11-12T10:52:00.000-06:00

On Livejournal, there's a quiz meme currently going around.

Mine, as per usual, is based on trivia from shows I've written.

Ladies and gents, are you ready for The Matsushitaverse!?!?

2004-11-06T13:47:00.000-06:00

Apparently, I can no longer speak in words.

Only in t-shirts:

Or, if you're feeling a bit more strongly about it:

I don't know why you'd wear these yet, but I guarantee you that there will be a reason.

2004-11-03T13:00:00.000-06:00

CHOKE ON 'EM!!! CHOKE ON 'EM!!!

2004-11-01T23:30:00.000-06:00

Some Final Thoughts Before Zero Hour.

...or hours, as the case may be.

You know, it took a lot of thought before I decided to put that Kerry/Edwards button on the page. I mean, in the past four years I've made no secret of my feelings towards the current president.

I think it's important to get out there and vote, obviously, and as I said earlier, those who don't are lazy douchebags.

Now, in his speeches, Kerry's been riding a high current, and has been everything that most conservatives hate: Self-righteous and, well, correct.

The defense that I've heard for Bush most often is that he can keep the peace, and that this war on terror he's declared has been what's kept any further terrorist attacks since 9/11.

Hmm. This somewhat smacks of a favorite Simpsons quote:

Homer (to Lisa): Well it looks like the new Bear Patrol is working like a charm.

Lisa: That's faulty logic, dad.

Homer: Thank you dear.

Lisa: No dad, that's like saying this rock here keeps away tigers. You don't see any tigers around here, do you?

Homer: I see... Lisa, I would like to buy your rock.

Also, just the fact that this war was brought about for the purpose of killing, catching, or detaining Osama bin Laden. The mere fact that he's able to record a video in which he looks in pretty good health, as well as seeming to be flourishing while under Bush's rule may speak to the idea that Bush isn't really doing much to keep our country safe.

And while we're at it, just the fact that the most major attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor happened while Bush was in power should also be somewhat of a red flag, but hey.

But no, goes the argument, national security is more important than anything! We need someone to protect us in our time of need!

Is that person really Bush? There have been attempts on American soil almost on a monthly basis for decades, and previous presidents (Democrat as well as Republican) have been able to prevent them without making the rest of the country a divided nation.

I was always somewhat liberal before, but I had my conservative points, too. I used to have much different attitudes on gun control (actually, my attitudes on that haven't changed that much), and for a time was pro-death penalty, and, for a brief time in my early teens, felt that life began at conception and that being gay was a choice.

I was borderline. I pretty much slept through the first Gulf War, and didn't give a shit one way or another about Dempcrats or Republicans, I just didn't want to get involved.

When Clinton was humiliated on national television with his testimony during Zippergate, I watched, laughing and frothing, saying that I lost all respect for him.

I was borderline.

I can remember the first time I saw Bush during the 2000 debates, and as he looked into the camera, I got the same eerie vibe I got from Dan Quayle: I saw no light behind his eyes. NONE.

And, like a lot of other people, I figured there was no way in hell he would ever be elected.

And I was right. He wasn't.

When 9/11 happened, the country changed. I know that's a cliché.

In the years that followed, I've found myself thinking of others in terms of "us and them."

I've had conservative friends. I've had liberal enemies.

But I'd never felt like...like it was "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers," where I'm constantly wondering who's Pro-Bush.

My father is. That I sort of expected.

But Dennis Miller?

I used to like Penn Gillette. Hell, I loved P&T, but then I saw him on tough crowd telling people that "Bush and Kerry are exactly the same," and telling people not to vote.

And I thought John Edwards was the Biggest Douche In The Universe.

It's weird. Whenever I find out that a friend or someone I admire is "one of them," I feel like people do in zombie movies when they see a friend's been bitten.

How did the country get like this?

I believe Kerry will be able to keep the terrorists at bay. All he has to do is let the counterterrorist units actually counteract terror--something that Bush couldn't do.

Another thing that Kerry can do that Bush cannot is be able to reach across the waters (be they partisan or continental) and work with others. Bush just does not have enough credibility with other countries, and hey, we may need some help someday in the future from any or all of them.

After 9/11, the world loved America. We were in the hearts and minds of the world. And the country, in those first days, worked together to help make everything better.

And somehow, less than a year later, Bush undid all of that. How is that good leadership?

If the threat was so imminent that we couldn't wait for the U.N. inspectors, what does that say about the president who lets it get that far?

There's another side to my whole "Us and Them" conundrum, though. There were people I didn't expect to come forward, who did.

Here's one that totally shocked me:

Eminem.

Yeah.

You may have seen his recent and powerful video for his song "Mosh."

But think of what it's really saying. Here are some of the lyrics:

How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but GO MARSHALL.

Added to this, he made a public display out of the fact that for the first time in his life, he's planning to vote.

Who cares, right?

Think about this. His target audience sees him as someone who (in his own words) doesn't give a fuck. How many kids who idolize him do you think will get off their asses just because he will? It's like, if Slim Shady gives a fuck, they're thinking, well, maybe it is important.

And this image in the the video, of people young and old, students and soldiers, black and white, male and female, all marching to the polling station...

...He even makes the idea of voting seem pretty cool.

To contrast that, here's a fan-made flash video of a terrific Johnny Cash song named "When The Man Comes Around." It's been edited to be pro-Bush and anti-Kerry.

Like on the lyric "There's a man goin' 'round takin' names. An' he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same. There'll be a golden ladder reaching down. When the man comes around," there's a series of pictures of Bush looking vaguely non-stupid, or kissing a baby, or in the flight suit, or whatever.

And for the lyric "Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still. Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still. Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still," there are pictures of not only bin Laden, but celebrities like Sean Penn and Michael Moore.

Later in the video, Kerry is shown wearing a tiara. Classy.

What's funny is that the last lyric of the song is omitted from the video.

That's the one where the identity of "the man" is revealed:

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.

And Hell followed with him.

So think about that as you cast your vote.

Almost there.

Stay on target.

2004-10-29T23:20:00.000-05:00

As promised, some new Bush/Cheney printable stickers.

Oh, and for god's sake, do not actually PRINT THESE UP AND POST THEM AROUND YOUR TOWN.

That would be wrong.

Under no circumstances should you MAKE SEVERAL COPIES OF THESE AND POST THEM EVERYWHERE.

That said, legally, I can now continue.

Enjoy.

And, my personal favorite:

In the words of Bob Godthwaite, it's quite obvious that I'm not looking for corporate sponsorship.

Vote, people. Vote like the WIND.

2004-10-28T14:12:00.000-05:00

So I went to the Kerry rally today. That's my roommate, Sam, and his son, Gavin. We stuck around through Bruce Springsteen, but had to leave before seeing Kerry. No that we would have---neither one of us could see anything because of the huge amount of people there:

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. It was pretty cool.

There were a few Bush supporters there, just outside the main area:

See, they're dressed like flip-flops.

I guess that's clever.

I guess.

They seemed happy and confident until Billionaires For Bush joined them:

It's hard to read the banner behind them, but it reads:

Billionaires For Bush: Because we're all in this together, sort of.

Well, the Bush group got pissed at this, and started to shout at the Billionaires: "But Teresa Heinz-Kerry is one of the richest women in the world!!!"

And then chanting: "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!"

Which led to the crowd around them chanting:

"FIVE MORE DAYS! FIVE MORE DAYS!"

Which led to one of the billionaires ("Billionaire's Commander of Black Ops Alan Greenspend," I think) starting a THIRD CHANT:

"FOUR MORE WARS! FOUR MORE WARS!"

The cop who had to stand in front of the Bush supporters looked amused at that.

I asked him where to go if I had a white ticket, and he pointed me ahead, past the banner that said "Wisconsin Is Kerry Country."

It occured to me last night that it was amazing to be able to be there, amongst all these other supporters of Kerry. Part of me wanted to also be able to go to a Bush Rally, just to hear both sides, but then I realized that I'd have to sign a loyalty oath. That alone should push you in Kerry direction.

Oh, I know, the South Carolina Dems did it, too, any conservative will tell you.

(Some of the hardcore right-wingers will somehow tell you that without acknowledging that Bush did it first.)

But it's worth pointing out that the reports of the "Democratic Loyalty Oath" were greatly exaggerated and as it turns, they didn't do it anyway.

Personally, after looking at this picture, I'm ready to vote for SAM:

What I took away from it all was something I hadn't expected. As hokey as the whole thing was, it was nice to be able to look around and see the hope that things could be made better, and that we all could be a part of it.

As I looked up at the American flag we were standing under, I felt something I wasn't expecting.

Patriotic.

And then I thought: Oh, wow. SO that's what it feels like.

2004-10-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

I got this from Parkway Rest Stop, the weblog of Jimmy Flynn, friend of my dad's, and according to my mom, one hell of a drummer. (Be warned, fellow liberals, he's quite the conservative--but also very funny.)

You preferred Kerry's statements 89% of the time
You preferred Bush's statements 11% of the time

Voting purely on the issues you should vote Kerry

Who would you vote for if you voted on the issues?

Find out now!

At first I thought this was a set-up, but this was my result. Now, keep in mind, the questions they ask are based on the public statements made by Kerry and Bush, under the assumption that neither side is lying. This is only to check to see if you really do agree with them on the major issues.

So, last week, one of my co-workers walks in, saying, "Okay, now that I've seen all three of the presidential debates, I am totally voting for Bush."

After a moment, I asked him why.

"Because Kerry was just making an ass of himself!"

I asked him what cable service he subscribes to.

"Why?"

Because I wanna know who offers the BIZZARO UNIVERSE CHANNEL, because that's obviously where you saw the debates from.

He went on to say that Bush kept making jokes and Kerry was being a dick for not laughing at them.

You know, I have no fucking patience anymore. I really don't. If you're so fuckin' dumb that you're voting for Bush, you're too fuckin' dumb to know when you're being insulted.

And I realize that liberals have gotten uglier and meaner, lately, and if you need to know why, this is why: You can't explain to people like this that Bush is a liar who reverses his position when neccessary, has no diplomatic skills, runs the most corrupt administration since Warren Fucking Harding, and seems to subscribe to a belief system that's inspired from Nixon's If-the-President-does-something-it-can't-be-illegal theory.

You can't even explain things that we were all there for, like Richard Clarke's testimony to the 9/11 commission--in fact, it's like Clarke never even existed. He blew the lid off of the biggest anti-terrorist intelligence fuck-up in U.S. history, and no one cares.

I know people who are planning on voting for Bush on the grounds that he's a Christian.

Okay. I can respect that.

However, if you are a Christian, and reading this, I pray (I really do, too) that you consider this come election day:

Surely you must know someone in your church that is a HUGE fuck-up. Surely you must.

Aha! Your mind betrays you--I bet you're thinking of that one person right now.

Now, this person isn't a bad person. But if he asked to borrow your car, you'd...well...you'd hesitate, wouldn't you? And if you did lend it to him, and he wrecked it, you'd probably try and find a way to get him back home, right? Even if he trashed your car? I mean, it's half your fault anyway for trusting it to him, right?

Okay. Same principal here.

Maybe Bush is actually a nice guy--I suspect he isn't, but that's not important--what those people who support Bush like about him is that they feel he relates to the American public like he's one of their friends.

So think of it this way:

Your friend is in WAY over his head. Some of that's your fault, some of that's my fault, some of that's our fault, and some of that's his fault. None of that matters now.

What does matter is that he's just not good at his job, and that he should probably sit the rest of this decade out.

Don't feel bad for him. He'll be well taken care of. His father survived just fine, and hell, if he's not president any more, why, he really will be like one of us!

(Special thanks to Kathy Sliter for coming up with the above bit.)

Okay, back to being ornery.

Please don't tell me that only Bush could have caught Saddam Hussein. I think that if this administration has proven anything, it's that anything they can accomplish was not very difficult in the first place. I mean, if we wanted, we could probably catch a lot of dictators, too. They're sorta public.

And if you're one of those miserable fucking fools who's refusing to vote? Not the undecideds, I mean, the clueless dolts who are refusing on general principal, because "Kerry and Bush are identical in every single way?"

Shut up. Seriously. Shut the fuck up.

And if you're not using that vote, then can I have it?

No?

Why? You said it doesn't matter, anyway.

Yeah, okay, shut your fucking hole.

Because this is the goddamn system, and it's not like it's new. I may be a Bush-hater, but that doesn't mean I think that Kerry is the greatest guy ever.

It'd just be asking too much to ask for Jesus Christ to run against Bush.

I mean, I like Kerry. But he is a politician first and a man second. Anyone who's going to be running for office is going to have to be one. Hell, look at how Nader's hubris got in his own way.

Side note--do Republicans ever blame Ross Perot for Bill Clinton?

ANY DANG WAY, when you take on the responsibility of voting, that means you actually have to look at the issues and where the candidates seem to land on them. You can't just say, "well, they're both corrupt."

NO FUCKIN' SHIT LADY, DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ORDERING A PIZZA!?!?!?

People who don't vote as a political statement...I mean, I understand the frustration.

But really, they're just being lazy douchebags.

2004-10-18T01:05:00.000-05:00

Here's the first version of the web poster for my next full length play, Welcome To The Terrordome:

For the two of you that have been reading this from the beginning, you may remember this as being the show I wrote the first draft of over a Christmas vacation--less than one week.

The skinny so far is, it's not going to be for Broom Street (although I am still doing Sledgehammer Party)

Also, I'm not directing this one. It is being directed by the lovely and talented Kathy Lynn Sliter, who, in addition to saving my life, is just simply a much better director than me.

She and I were workshopping this earlier this year with the cast: Molly Vanderlin, Casey Grimm, Amy Sawyers, and R. Peter Hunt. We're looking at Spring of 2005, at the Kanopy Dance Company, which is where Kathy staged the wonderful show Squirrels, which was a night of short plays by Don Nigro.

Terrordome is a thriller in real-time, about a woman abducted by three teenagers, and it's one of the most intense things I've written. There's a raw feel to it--mainly because it totally poured out of me.

More on this as it happens.

In other news, Smith And Kraus have asked to publish another of my monologues, this time in their next edition of 222 Short Monologues For Men.

Annnnnnnnnnd, I don't want to say much about it yet, because nothing's set in stone yet, but let's just say that I may have another theatre-related reason to visit the East Coast next year.

Why, you may ask?

I'll give you a hint for now:

Stabby stabby.

2004-10-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

I haven't seen the entirety of the debate (I was out hanging with littleevening, fountainal, and groucho_z), and haven't read the full transcript yet, but I did see some video on it, and I'm getting a copy of the tape from a friend.

One thought I had today was that as good as Kerry was, I have the sickening feeling that most Bush supporters saw that and said "why's Kerry being so MEAN?!?" To quote Roger Ebert, most of Bush's supporters don't seem to find anything wrong with the way he conducts himself--moreover, they're basically cool with it.

All that said, it was starling to see Kerry say what a lot of us have been saying for years, and right in front of Bush--who many times, seemed like this was the first he was hearing of anyone disagreeing with his viewpoint.

Anyway, many smarter and less tired than I will be commenting on the debate in the future, I'm sure. But I will say that from what I've read and seen, that Kerry held strong, stayed focused, and in a classy move, did not take the bait when being accused of flip-flopping. The closest he came was with this rather sly quote (emphasis mine):

"First of all, he made the misjudgment of saying to America that he was going to build a true alliance, that he would exhaust the remedies of the United Nations and go through the inspections.

In fact, he first didn't even want to do that. And it wasn't until former Secretary of State Jim Baker and General Scowcroft and others pushed publicly and said you've got to go to the U.N., that the president finally changed his mind -- his campaign has a word for that -- and went to the United Nations."

Bush countered with this fucking classic TV moment:

"It's the hardest decision a president makes. So I went to the United Nations. I didn't need anybody to tell me to go to the United Nations. I decided to go there myself."

It was at this point that I quoted Chris Rock and screamed: "ASSHOLE, YOU'RE S'POSED TO!!!!"

In other news, I I noticed today that Ebert has changed the entire look of his page, and if you go to "browse ebert's little movie glossary, " the first entry that comes up is one of mine.

I'm becoming a regular underground success on this here internet.

2004-09-09T17:36:00.000-05:00

As of this weekend, I'm the Guru Of Gore, mother-bitches.

2004-09-04T01:50:00.000-05:00

Hey, stalkers and stalkers-to-be, if you're looking for more material to add to your stuff-Rob-said-in-print scrapbook, look no further than page 17 of the second issue of Madison's latest newspaper, Core Weekly.

Yup, there's a little interview with Joel Gersmann, Matt Grzybowski, and myself about Broom Street Theater.

Now, when I did my interview last week, I thought that they were speaking to all the playwrights at Broom Street. Then I read this:

As a result of the controversy and media attention surrounding [Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?], Gersmann said, more people have shown interest in the independent theater. And two young talents he said people should pay close attention to are 32-year-old Rob Matsushita and 30-year-old Matt Grzybowski, who are each writing and directing a play for next season.

And I just have to sit down.

Okay, let's just say it. I told all of you I was leaving Broom Street. I told all of you I wasn't coming back. There's tape of me saying this.

And yet, here I am, on the schedule for next year.

I think back to what Tara Randl said to me on closing night of Psychos In Love:

Tara Randl, who ran lights for about 5/6 of the run, asked me if I'd ever come back. I told her I honestly didn't know if I could--if I'd have the inclination to return, or if (and I'll be honest) I would be allowed to. Time may tell, I told her, but the big thing now is that I need a break. Make the situation right to be able to do this full time. "Joel, I bet, secretly hates seeing you go," she told me, "I bet he really wants you to come back."

Time will tell on that too, I told her.

Well, I guess time told.

Back when Matt was casting Untitled Farce, he and I were emailing each other and I asked him how things were going. He said he was having trouble casting for the part of Ian--no one he'd seen had really gotten it. I emailed him back, and told him that was surprising--to me, that part seemed like the easiest role to figure out.

Then I showed up to auditions.

I don't even fully know why.

I was in full swing of the divorce, I was still working at the bank, and I felt weirdly incomplete. My life was at a standstill and I needed a distraction, or at least something to get me up on my feet and moving. My brain was starting to atrophy, and I just needed to wake up.

Matt called me up the night I auditioned, cast me, and asked me what everyone who'd been there was wondering: Why the hell did I come back?

I told him the truth: You just can't put a price tag on doing something that shocks the hell out of everyone. Even yourself.

Acting again, in that space, brought a lot back a lot of things I missed.

After my marriage ended, I felt very separate from my life. Even doing "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" for Nocturnal Editions didn't make me feel the same way, because it was too fractured an experience. I didn't dislike it, but it was so brief and weird that I still felt disoriented.

Working on Farce was different. I really connected with some old friends, and some new friends, and even people who I only sort of knew, and somewhat clashed with, and buried a couple of hatchets. I felt connected again. That's the best way I can think of it.

Anyway, I had fun, and Joel, I heard, liked me in it.

Joel is a strange guy. I mean, that's not really news, but I mean that Joel can be strangely sentimental. I'd heard that Joel saw me in the show and wondered what everyone else wondered: Why come back when it was pretty clear that I'd rather walk on broken glass with my bare feet than set foot in that theater again?

Maybe Tara was right. Maybe he'd want me back.

But would I go?

What I really said at the time was, "Hey, I'll come back as soon as Joel never did any of the things that made me want to leave. The second he never did those things, I'll be back with bells on."

Cut to a few months later, when I get the phone call from Matt.

Matt tells me that because of a scheduling problem, there's an empty slot.

Before I can tell him no fucking way, he adds, "Believe it or not, this was Joel's idea."

As it turns out, Joel was very excited about the idea of bringing me back into it, and he wasn't the only one. In fact, Matt told me, all but one director thought it'd be a great idea to try and get me to come back.

(Which one? Heh. One guess.)

And all my cynical responses just sort of...went away.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, I can be left speechless.

Matt told me that he understood and wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't want to.

I asked him when the slot would be, and he told me that it would be the June-July slot, and that date was not negotiable. I told him I needed a day to think about it.

I took the day. I mean, could I do it? What would I do?

I thought about pulling out the idea I had for "Sledgehammer Party," but I'd pretty much permanently shelved that idea. It's about married people and I'd just gotten divorced. It'd be like ripping open my guts onstage and forcing everyone to watch. Everyone would be wondering about if things in the play really happened, and if this was the reason my marriage didn't work.

Then I started to think more about it, and I realized that if I ever did that show, Broom Street would be the only place I could really do it. And I had to be the one to do it. There's stuff I still need to process, and something about the characters I'd created and the situation they were in was helping to put my own life in perspective.

I checked my schedule, and I discovered that I had a conflict--one that I could not get out of.

I couldn't do the show.

I called Matt and told him the bad news.

But I also told him that something about not being able to do the show made doing the show that much more important for me to do. I had just worked myself to a point where I felt I could do it, and suddenly, I can't do it.

I added, "and like every other Broom Street situation, it starts in torment and ends in disappointment." He laughed, but he also said that he thought that it might be possible to work something out.

He suspected that the date being non-negotiable" might not have been accurate, and whadaya know, he was right. Ron Collins was happy to switch with me.

When Matt called me back, I finally realized how much I wanted to come back.

I called Joel the next day, and it was like I never left. Joel just jumped back into it, as if I'd never left.

And with that, it looked very much like I was back.

And, for better or worse (gulp) I guess I am.

Then comes this article. It's a good article, and it really points up an issue that Matt and I have been talking about for a couple of years--that the styles at Broom Street are different enough that just because you don't like one show there, that doesn't mean that you won't love the next one.

It's kind of cool how Matt and I are placed as counterpoints to each other, me being the dark one, and him being the light one.

When Rena Beyer, who wrote the article, inteviewed me, she asked me what my thoughts were on "Audrey Seiler, Where Are You."

And because I have no brain, I told her the truth about how I felt about it. Luckily, she didn't use any of it. I mean, it's not like I was overly mean. I just basically said that I didn't really think it was a good way to get attention for the theater (I said that given the 35 years it's been around, it'd be a shame if Broom Street ended up a footnote in the Audrey Seiler story), but that the attention itself might not be a bad thing if we could keep any of the new audiences the publicity has brought in.

We actually talked for over an hour--I gave her enough for a book--before both sides of her audiotape ran out. (Those of you who know me know that I tend to run on a lot.)

Like I say, check it out. I've been interviewed before, and there's always that fear of how you're going to come off, or how much they're going to get right, or what have you. This one actually made me feel better about coming back.

At some point in the future, I'll fill you in on the ins, the outs, and the what-have-yous about "Sledgehammer Party," as far as what it is, how it came to be, and how it fits in with the rest of my work, but that's a huge story for another time.

Other good news: Two more of my monologues are going to be published in a book of women's monologues, published by the "Ultimate Audition Book" people, Smith and Kraus!

Cool, huh?

2004-08-06T12:06:00.000-05:00

What is the web for, if not navel-gazing? And porn?

A meme I swiped from fountainal, who swiped it from freecookiesnow:

"Part of being on lj is that you end up gaining a number of lj buddies. Unfortunately, as age and the drink wear away at our brains, it's easy to forget where they all came from. Post this in your journal and have your friends respond with how they recall first meeting you."

You heard the man! How'd you meet me, you bastards? Or if you've never met me, how'd you find this weblog?

2004-08-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

You know what I'm sick and fucking tired of?

Cockhead right-wing assholes saying shit like "Considering how the liberal media crucified Cheney just for saying the f-word, I wonder if they'll let [fill in Demorcat here] get away with [fill in random event here]."

Okay.

You fucking dicks don't know what crucified is.

You know what my favorite one is? "They nail Bush for every word he gets wrong, and look how they let Clinton get away with adultery!"

Yes, because the media totally let him off the hook, with that LIVE COVERAGE OF HIS TESTIMONY and everything.

Jesus, Michael Moore makes one goddamn movie, and it's all "Oh, the media is skewed! Republicans never get a fair shake!" Oh, shut the fuck UP.

So the president gets made fun of for his bad grammar. That's true.

But it's all the IMPORTANT shit that he gets away with.

2004-08-01T12:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just heard about Evil Dead 1 & 2: The Musical from fountainal.

But did you know that they are not the first ones to make an Evil Dead musical?

These guys are: The New Millenium Theater Company.

This Chicago-based company did it in 2003. And Psychos In Love fans--does this chainsaw look familiar?

And even bigger news--this same company is currently doing a version of Army Of Darkness called:

BOOMSTICK!

It's running through August 28th.

Okay, who's going with me?
I am totally fucking serious, here.

2004-07-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

You know, I don't even remember what the other thing was I was going to write about.

I'm sure it was going to be wordy and informative, and be a million laughs.

Oh, now I remember.    I was going to write about this guy's movie and then this guy's movie, and then this guy's website.

Well, search that shit out on your own for now, because I've just recently noticed a strange phenomina...

That's right.

People are bitching about an upcoming Broom Street show, and none of those people are me.

Okay, maybe "bitching" is too strong a word.

I've got my own opinions on the matter, but first, a kind of overview:

The MadStage link says:

Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?
By John Sable
Directed by Dana Pellebon

John Sable's new play about popularity, the media, and the culture of the new millennium. Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?, is a fast-paced thrill ride of a farce full of local flavor and an eye-opening look at a modern society that is quick to jump on the flavor of the week, and equally expeditious in denouncing the same.

Produced by Broom Street Theater at the Broom Street Theater Building, 1119 Willliamson Street

Performances: July 30 through September 5, 2004
All performances will be at 8 p.m. Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays
Ticket Prices $7, available at the door only (sorry, no reservations).
Call 608-244-8338 for updates or more information or check out the theater's web site: www.broomstreet.org.

Sable's script, interestingly, was originally going to be a totally different show called "The Ethical Slut," I think based on the book of the same name by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. (The subtitle of that book, by the way, is "A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities." Zowie.)

Then the Seiler incident happened, and he changed the concept, causing something very major to happen--Broom Street getting nationally recognised.

Papers across the country have had articles about the play, and Joel Gersmann told me that it's even been mentioned on "Good Morning America." (Though I doubt this, it's not impossible.) Since it hit the AP, it's basically the same article in every paper:

July 18 - The story of a University of Wisconsin student who faked her abduction can soon be seen on stage.

"Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?" opens at the Broom Street Theater in Madison July 30th.

Seiler captured the nation's attention in March when she disappeared from her campus-area apartment. Seiler later admitted she made up a story about an armed man
abducting her and holding her hostage. She was sentenced to three years of probation after she pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of obstructing officers.

Playwright John Sable says her story speaks for everyone who has felt depressed and wanted to escape the pressures of life or just needed a little more attention.

Sable is known for controversial theater. He wrote "Trench Coat Mafia" after the Columbine shootings and "Why Sex? Why Not the Violin?" about feminist porn film star Nina Hartley.

Source: AP

Okay, so Broom Street has more coverage than it's had in roughly thirty years, which is a good thing.

The bad thing--and I think this is where the concern is coming from--is that although more people in the country know about Broom Street, it's probably in the context of "those assholes will make a play out of anything." I bet somewhere, some place, people think we're the ones who did that Jerry Springer opera, and the musical about Bat Boy.

Not that I would ever do a show about Springer.

Ahem.

More on this after a quick quote from Dampha's website:

04:22 pm: The Audrey Play Rant
Joel called me last night at around 10:30 to play Broom Street's first bit of negative reaction to Audrey Seiler, Where Are You? A gentleman left a message on Joel's machine to the gist of "I am an enthusiastic supporter of local theater, and I just wanted to let you know that I think your upcoming production is crass, tasteless and ill-conceived, and I think that it's going to put you out of business." I find it surprising that it's taken this long to get such a reaction. I myself have always been less than thrilled about the general concept of an Audrey Seiler play so soon after her public humiliation, and I've expressed my doubts as to whether the playwright in question is the best man to write it--but still, this message unlodged some defensive feelings and behalf of the theater...and on behalf of what we all aspire to as performance artists.

Anybody involved in the arts knows the uphill climb that it is publicizing your work, and one of the biggest reasons for that is that local, regional, and national media are all so stingy in regards to coverage of the arts. And what does get reported tends to involve contention of some sort, whether it be in the form of a contest such as the Oscars, the latest movie power couple break-up, or the latest "controversal" blockbuster (whose real political issues can usually be dismissed in the time it takes tea to steep). And it's contention that gets people's attention in this town, too: just look what happened with Corpus Christi earlier this season. I hasten to mention that Stage Q's production of that play was exceptional, but the play itself is a mediocre treatment of inflamatory material. And no matter how good the stagework was, does anybody honestly believe that CC's sold-out houses were a result of that good work? No, people bought tickets by the bushel before the show even opened. Some of them might have done it to feel righteous in defense of freedom of expression (such as our Mayor), and some might have been slowing down to look at the evangelical car wreck they had heard about. But in any case, as soon as Stage Q began getting letters condemning the producers and cast to hell, they must have known they had a hit on their hands.Well, it seems that Broom Street has a hit on its hands, too; Audrey Seiler, Where Area You has seen mention in a great variety of regional press and broadcast. And Broom Street can always use a hit. But it will be a bitter accomplishment in light of the pathetic audiences that Untitled Farce and Morality Play saw recently, because it will have nothing to do with whether the show is any good or not. I have no idea whether it's any good because I haven't seen it. And the thing is, neither have you. And neither has the guy who called and predicted that it would be our financial undoing. And meanwhile, most of us won't see--or perhaps even hear about--some of the best work that's going on in this town.Must art be about controversy? And if so, who's to blame? The "public?" The "media?" George Bush? All the culprits that come to mind sound like especially lame scapegoats, even "we as artists."So what am I saying? Do I think you should go see Audrey Seiler, Where Are You? I don't care if you do or not. But for god's sake go see and support something, and don't choose it on the basis of what somebody else thinks you ought to see or ought not to see. Choose it because you suspect it's going to leave you in awe. The good work is out there; now find it.

What's amazing to me here is that he actually said a lot of what I would have said.

FountainAl had this to add:

I have made no bones about the fact that I agree with the caller (except for the part about it putting the theater out of business), and I will definitely NOT go to see it. Want to parody the situation? Fine. But to use the girl's actual name and to do it right here in the town where it happened immediately after it happened is everything the caller said it is - crass, tasteless, and ill-conceived, not to mention cruel, mean-spirited, and shamelessly opportunistic. No, I haven't seen it, but the idea of this show is offensive, even without knowing the content. It is a cheap stunt to fill seats at the expense of a troubled girl. Everyone was quick to criticize and poke fun at Audrey, and to draw their own conclusions about the case, but the fact is that none of us really know the facts or her pscyhological or emotional state, then or now. Bringing attention to the theater is one thing, bringing more attention to the one that is trying to put this behind her, and who has to live with this for the rest of her life is shameful. And you are right of course, this is not the right kind of attention for the theater. This kind of press just perpetuates the notion that Broom Street is the kind of place that does everything but the kinds of quality shows that have enjoyed such positive feedback lately from the precious few people who saw them. I am embarrassed to even admit it when I get asked (and I have been asked) "Hey, isn't that theater doing the Audrey Seiler play the same place where you did your last show?" Everything about this disgusts me.

Al brings up a very good point. This not only happened here, and recently, but Seiler still lives here.   She has family, and friends, and, well, let's face it, a lot of people whose feelings might be hurt.

At the same time, after the national news coverage, jokes about her on talk shows, plus the general embarrassment of starting a half-a-day manhunt and going to trial of it, the play may just as well seem like an amusing afterthought.

How much you wanna bet, right now, that there's a part of Seiler that's just dying of curiousity about the show?

At the same time, it's interesting to get a sense of what the rest of the public--not just the Madison theatre crowd--thinks of this.

Some comments from the Yahoo news board:

Sucks To Be Audrey!
by: thunderfoot920 (45/M/Fort Atkinson, WI)
07/16/04 10:06

First, she makes up this wild abduction story, gets nationwide press, just reappears with a description of her "abductor", sets off a massive search involving lots of heavily armed police. Then she admits it's all a hoax, pi$$es off a whole bunch of people who are now screaming for her head, and then they make a play about the whole fiasco.

Ok, she's probably not playing with a full deck, so it wouldn't surprise me if this pushed her over the edge. Hope not, but it may.

I'll be there!
by: somethingspecialfromwisconsin_eh
07/16/04 08:06 pm

I'll be the guy with the big nose who lives in the swamp!

(Whatever the fuck that means.)

Giver the attention she deserves...
by: lifeisweird
07/19/04 01:09 pm

Glamorize Audrey!, she needs the attention.

And then there's this post, which is pretty direct and to the point:

STUPID!!!
by: Markus92
07/19/04 09:50 am

What a bunch of idiots!

Which just may be the out-of-state, general sentiment.

Oh, yeah, and then there's this response from the tongue-in-cheek weblog "Farm Accident Digest:"

In other words, he scans the headlines, picks something that is sure to get himself attention, and scribbles something out. I applaud him.

Hmm. Once again, sort of what I had been thinking.

Oh, he also adds, "I hope there's nudity."

Well, Mano, given the playwright, you may be in luck.

Sable himself responded on this site, saying:

I write about life and the world around me. I believe that theater should reflect the times in which we live.

Some of you may chide me, but I make no money from my work - I give it away to area theaters for free. Once you start taking payment for your works people think they own you. I write the way I want, about the things I want... That way I answer to no one... I don't want a Nike swoosh on my forehead any more than a swastika on my arm. My reward is in watching the script brought to life; listening to an audience react to the words.

Some people pin-stripe their cars, some dye their hair purple others post on blogs. I write plays. That's how I express myself.

Audrey's motivation as I see it were heartbreak, a desire for attention, depression and fear. Anyone who has ever experienced any of these things has a bit of Audrey in them. Most of us don't act out in such an extreme way… but remember … we were all 100% certain that she had been abducted long before she uttered a single word of confirmation. We wanted, maybe even needed her to be kidnapped. Why is that?

- John Sable, Playwright , Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?
Posted By John Sable on Jul 22nd, 2004 at 9:44am

Wow. "I don't want a Nike swoosh on my forehead any more than a swastika on my arm." This from the guy who once put the Nike swoosh on the Broom Street website.

Okay, okay, he did it as a joke, it's just none of us thought it was funny.

Okay, so, what's my take on this whole thing?

Well, first, I wasn't going to mention it (mainly because everyone knows), but in the interest of full disclosure and honesty, I should preface all this by mentioning that John Sable and I haven't gotten along since...oh...probably 1999. Both of us have our reasons, but we pretty much openly hate each other. (And I guess that's putting it mildly.)

That said, I honestly didn't have that much an opinion when I first heard about it--Broom Street has done this sort of thing before--and hell, Sable himself has done this before with "Trenchcoat Mafia" opening a mere five months after the massacre.

Prior to his rehearsing that show, I had made the decision to not lend any guns at all to the production. I thought it was too soon, and Sable had told me (possibly as a joke) that he had intended to "glorify Eric and Dylan." He chuckled as he said it, and I pretty much decided that I was going to have nothing to do with the show.

Sable one-upped me by waiting until the director's meeting before he asked me formally for guns, so he could do it in front of Joel.

Both Joel and Sable looked at me, and I was cornered. "Of course he's going to lend you the guns," Joel said, smiling, "After all, he's The Gun Guy!"

Since I was a chicken-shit when it came to Joel, I caved in almost immediately, and I lent guns to the production.

Later, Sable and Gersmann had an idea for promoting the show, and it was to send invites to the staff of the school and the families of the victims.

I freaked.

I told Joel that I was very uncomfortable with that, and that it would make the theater look ghoulish. Joel wouldn't bend, until I threatened to go down to the theater and remove my guns from the show. Okay, it wasn't a great threat, but Joel and Sable ended up not doing it.

So this kind of insensitivity is sorta par for the course with Broom Street. These days I just don't take it that seriously.

Broom Street has a reputation for pushing the envelope, and in the words of Bill Murray, you never know where the line is until you cross it.

So as far as "Audrey Seiler" goes, I feel sorta like been there, done that.

Besides, I've just heard the show isn't really about Audrey Seiler anyway. In the same way that "Trenchcoat Mafia" wasn't actually about Columbine (that show was actually about an unrelated fictional shooting) and "69," the anniversary show, wasn't actually about Broom Street (it was about a fictional theater which eventually becomes a sex club), "Audrey Seiler, Where Are You?" is really about two geeky losers and their plan to get laid, which involves Audrey Seiler.

Um.

Okaaaaaaaaay.

Well, now, I'm lost.

So, the show isn't about Audrey Seiler, and it's another "hairbrained scheme to get laid" play, like "Men Suck!: The Amuse-icle" or "CandyLand, You Slut?"

Okay, so what we're probably looking at is a show that actually isn't offensive in any way that we might have thought, but in a totally different way.

And, it's hard to deny, it really does seem like the cheap stunt Al referred to.

Oh, fuck it, I'm totally going to see it. Maybe even opening weekend. (And if you see me, say the words "Conga Line." That way, I'll know you.)

For those of you coming here looking for information about the show, or wanting to know if it's any good, I really can't help you, since I haven't seen it yet.

However, if you want to get a sense of the writing style, here's an early draft of the script to Sable's "Candyland, You Slut." That should give you some idea as to what you're dealing with.

On a side note, gee, I hope this post doesn't get me banned from the theater. Again.

2004-06-30T23:57:00.000-05:00

Wow. The longest entry I've ever posted gets ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE WHATSOEVER.

Hmm.

I guess there's something to be said about being short and sweet.

The News:

First off, I have a new job...you're gonna love this...at a video store. Sorry to disappoint you, Potch, but it's not Four Star. It's Video Station. Feel free to stop by and peruse my happenin' Employee Picks shelf.

Second, the rumors are, indeed, true...I am returning to Broom Street as a director in 2005. I'll be doing a show called Sledgehammer Party, and you can click here to get a look at the teaser poster.

Why did I come back? Believe it or not, it was Joel Gersmann's idea. There was an empty slot, and Joel thought it would be a good idea to ask me to come back, at least for now.

Other stuff I've got coming up is a short play in Mercury Players' 10th Anniversary PlayFest at the Bartell Theater. It'll be in the first weekend of shows (Sept. 9th to the 11th), and it's directed by Matt Poulson, another former Broom Streeter.

Also in 2005 is a production of Welcome To The Terrordome, a play that long-term readers of this site may remember the birth of. More on this as it happens, but all I'll say right now is that it's being directed by The Mighty Lady herself, the lovely and talented Kathy Lynn Sliter, who is in no way, I am sure, going to wimp out when it comes to the violence...

...And who could forget Blitz 5? God, I live for this time of year. I'll be writing for this on the second weekend, which is July 17th at the Bartell.

As we say here, be there or be an equilateral quadrangle.

(God, I felt so unclean typing that.)

2004-06-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

On May 24th, President Bush gave an address. It's wasn't televised live (these days, rating sweeps trumps a presidential address), but it was on the radio.

At the time, I was doing two things I've never done during any other presidential administration: 1) Driving a car, and 2) actually listening to the address.

The president's words are in this insane pink color. My comments are in white. Any emphasis you see is mine.

8:00 P.M. EDT

Thank you all. Thank you and good evening. I'm honored to visit the Army War College. Generations of officers have come here to study the strategies and history of warfare. I've come here tonight to report to all Americans, and to the Iraqi people, on the strategy our nation is pursuing in Iraq, and the specific steps we're taking to achieve our goals.

Now, prior to the beginning of this speech, NPR asked its listeners what they thought the president was going to discuss.

Atthe time I was listening, quite a few people (conservatives AND liberals, I should point out) felt that if anything, he was going to have to make some comment on the disaster area that this administration has made of Iraq, as well as address the photos of brutality made famous in the last couple of weeks.

One Bush-supporting conservative even went so far as to say that not only did he think that this address was to announce the resignation of Rumsfeld, but that Rumsfeld's resignation was simply the only call Bush could make if he had any intelligence at all.

Does he address these items? No and yes. Read on.

The actions of our enemies over the last few weeks have been brutal, calculating, and instructive. We've seen a car bombing take the life of a 61-year-old Iraqi named Izzedin Saleem, who was serving as President of the Governing Council. This crime shows our enemy's intention to prevent Iraqi self-government, even if that means killing a lifelong Iraqi patriot and a faithful Muslim. Mr. Saleem was assassinated by terrorists seeking the return of tyranny and the death of democracy.

I've noticed a tendency in the president's speeches to have a retort without seeming like a retort.

Here's the basic interpretation that I think they're going for with mentioning Saleem:

Maybe trying to help these people is a waste of fucking time, so if we give up and things get brutal, who's to blame us for getting out of hand? We can't help them and they want us dead. Could it be simpler?

I want to clarify my point, here: I feel that the murder of Mr. Saleem was terrible, but I also think Bush bringing it up here is his first step in saying, basically, "Yeah, maybe we were brutal, but there's nothing wrong with that."

We've also seen images of a young American facing decapitation. This vile display shows a contempt for all the rules of warfare, and all the bounds of civilized behavior. It reveals a fanaticism that was not caused by any action of ours, and would not be appeased by any concession. We suspect that the man with the knife was an al Qaeda associate named Zarqawi. He and other terrorists know that Iraq is now the central front in the war on terror. And we must understand that, as well. The return of tyranny to Iraq would be an unprecedented terrorist victory, and a cause for killers to rejoice. It would also embolden the terrorists, leading to more bombings, more beheadings, and more murders of the innocent around the world.

My standard response to what I've put in bold here is that whearas maybe we didn't create the fanatacism:

a) We almost certainly didn't make it go away, and
b) We did sort of create a set of circumstances that put Nick Berg in the same room with his decapitator. I mean, if he were working at a Radio Shack in Possum Dick, Georgia, I'm thinking his odds of being decapitated would zonk down a bit.

And although I remain skeptical, I have to link to a few sites that shed some doubts about the voracity of the tape.

Make your own decisions (I'm doubtful but don't think it's impossible--and I've actually seen the tape), but do consider the odd timing. Not just of the release of the footage, but the fact that Bush brings it up here, like this, and in this way.

Oh, and if the tape is real, I think it is likely that the administration sat on it. By itself, without seeing the torture of Iraqis, that tape is a demystification of the concept of war, and a horrifying blow-by-blow sight of a casualty--and as we already can guess, the news isn't big on showing casualties.

However, after you've seen the photos of our smiling troops make a corpse-fort, the tape all but screams "See? They deserve it!"

There's also the creepily damning claim that although the official story is that this tape was made before the photos, that statements in the tape refer to the photos.

Make your own call, because I'm actually a little too freaked out to touch that one.

The rise of a free and self-governing Iraq will deny terrorists a base of operation, discredit their narrow ideology, and give momentum to reformers across the region. This will be a decisive blow to terrorism at the heart of its power, and a victory for the security of America and the civilized world.

Call me kooky, but so far as I can tell, terrorists have never needed one base of operation.

And, once again, terrorism is not all one thing, and no one big group. It's not like we're dealing with Spectre, or HYDRA.

Our work in Iraq has been hard. Our coalition has faced changing conditions of war, and that has required perseverance, sacrifice, and an ability to adapt. The swift removal of Saddam Hussein's regime last spring had an unintended effect: Instead of being killed or captured on the battlefield, some of Saddam's elite guards shed their uniforms and melted into the civilian population. These elements of Saddam's repressive regime and secret police have reorganized, rearmed, and adopted sophisticated terrorist tactics. They've linked up with foreign fighters and terrorists. In a few cities, extremists have tried to sow chaos and seize regional power for themselves. These groups and individuals have conflicting ambitions, but they share a goal: They hope to wear out the patience of Americans, our coalition, and Iraqis before the arrival of effective self-government, and before Iraqis have the capability to defend their freedom.

Why is THAT so shocking? We KNEW that this not only a possibility, but likely.

Iraq now faces a critical moment. As the Iraqi people move closer to governing themselves, the terrorists are likely to become more active and more brutal. There are difficult days ahead, and the way forward may sometimes appear chaotic. Yet our coalition is strong, our efforts are focused and unrelenting, and no power of the enemy will stop Iraq's progress. (Applause.)

This is another indirect way of saying that our own torturers only did what the Iraqis deserve, so it isn't really wrong.

Helping construct a stable democracy after decades of dictatorship is a massive undertaking. Yet we have a great advantage. Whenever people are given a choice in the matter, they prefer lives of freedom to lives of fear. Our enemies in Iraq are good at filling hospitals, but they do not build any. They can incite men to murder and suicide, but they cannot inspire men to live, and hope, and add to the progress of their country. The terrorists' only influence is violence, and their only agenda is death.

I'm sure the one or two people left in Iraq will appreciate the freedom. That is, unless we escallate tensions there and make the Iraqi citizens too weak to deal with another dictator we put in that spot.

You know, like Bush's father did.

Our agenda, in contrast, is freedom and independence, security and prosperity for the Iraqi people. And by removing a source of terrorist violence and instability in the Middle East, we also make our own country more secure.

Or, of course, we give them more incentive to come here.

Our coalition has a clear goal, understood by all -- to see the Iraqi people in charge of Iraq for the first time in generations. America's task in Iraq is not only to defeat an enemy, it is to give strength to a friend - a free, representative government that serves its people and fights on their behalf. And the sooner this goal is achieved, the sooner our job will be done.

They're our friends! Can't you see that? WON'T YOU SEE THAT?!?!?

And I'm sure they appreciate the hell out of us every damn day.

There are five steps in our plan to help Iraq achieve democracy and freedom. We will hand over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government, help establish security, continue rebuilding Iraq's infrastructure, encourage more international support, and move toward a national election that will bring forward new leaders empowered by the Iraqi people.

"As for who those leaders will be, I got nothing. But the important thing is this: They do exist."

The first of these steps will occur next month, when our coalition will transfer full sovereignty to a government of Iraqi citizens who will prepare the way for national elections. On June 30th, the Coalition Provisional Authority will cease to exist, and will not be replaced. The occupation will end, and Iraqis will govern their own affairs. America's ambassador to Iraq, John Negroponte, will present his credentials to the new president of Iraq. Our embassy in Baghdad will have the same purpose as any other American embassy, to assure good relations with a sovereign nation. America and other countries will continue to provide technical experts to help Iraq's ministries of government, but these ministries will report to Iraq's new prime minister.

"...to assure good relations with a sovereign nation."

Hell, anything's worth trying once.

The United Nations Special Envoy, Lakhdar Brahimi, is now consulting with a broad spectrum of Iraqis to determine the composition of this interim government. The special envoy intends to put forward the names of interim government officials this week. In addition to a president, two vice presidents, and a prime minister, 26 Iraqi ministers will oversee government departments, from health to justice to defense. This new government will be advised by a national council, which will be chosen in July by Iraqis representing their country's diversity. This interim government will exercise full sovereignty until national elections are held. America fully supports Mr. Brahimi's efforts, and I have instructed the Coalition Provisional Authority to assist him in every way possible.

Dubya wants to make sure that the elections are a fair process.

I'm gonna go look up the word "irony" to make sure I'm usin' it right.

In preparation for sovereignty, many functions of government have already been transferred. Twelve government ministries are currently under the direct control of Iraqis. The Ministry of Education, for example, is out of the propaganda business, and is now concerned with educating Iraqi children. Under the direction of Dr. Ala'din al-Alwan, the Ministry has trained more than 30,000 teachers and supervisors for the schools of a new Iraq.

This program will be called "No Child Left Alive."

I'm sorry, but where are these fictitious schools going to be built? On top of the rubble, or in one of those tunnels?

All along, some have questioned whether the Iraqi people are ready for self-government, or even want it. And all along, the Iraqi people have given their answer. In settings where Iraqis have met to discuss their country's future, they have endorsed representative government. And they are practicing representative government. Many of Iraq's cities and towns now have elected town councils or city governments - and beyond the violence, a civil society is emerging.

Do I think the Iraqi people want self-government? Yes.

I have my doubts as to whether they want us to pave the way for it, or whether the want self-government that the current U.S. has defined.

The June 30th transfer of sovereignty is an essential commitment of our strategy. Iraqis are proud people who resent foreign control of their affairs, just as we would. After decades under the tyrant, they are also reluctant to trust authority. By keeping our promise on June 30th, the coalition will demonstrate that we have no interest in occupation. And full sovereignty will give Iraqis a direct interest in the success of their own government. Iraqis will know that when they build a school or repair a bridge, they're not working for the Coalition Provisional Authority, they are working for themselves. And when they patrol the streets of Baghdad, or engage radical militias, they will be fighting for their own country.

I guess that means they're either with themselves or against themselves?

The second step in the plan for Iraqi democracy is to help establish the stability and security that democracy requires. Coalition forces and the Iraqi people have the same enemies -- the terrorists, illegal militia, and Saddam loyalists who stand between the Iraqi people and their future as a free nation. Working as allies, we will defend Iraq and defeat these enemies.

"Stability" just isn't the word that leaps to mind, here.

America will provide forces and support necessary for achieving these goals. Our commanders had estimated that a troop level below 115,000 would be sufficient at this point in the conflict. Given the recent increase in violence, we'll maintain our troop level at the current 138,000 as long as necessary. This has required extended duty for the 1st Armored Division and the 2nd Light Cavalry Regiment -- 20,000 men and women who were scheduled to leave Iraq in April. Our nation appreciates their hard work and sacrifice, and they can know that they will be heading home soon. General Abizaid and other commanders in Iraq are constantly assessing the level of troops they need to fulfill the mission. If they need more troops, I will send them. The mission of our forces in Iraq is demanding and dangerous. Our troops are showing exceptional skill and courage. I thank them for their sacrifices and their duty. (Applause.)

Well, at least it's under 115,000. Any more than that and there'd really be reason for concern.

This is like that line in Shrek: "Many of you will surely die; but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make."

In the city of Fallujah, there's been considerable violence by Saddam loyalists and foreign fighters, including the murder of four American contractors. American soldiers and Marines could have used overwhelming force. Our commanders, however, consulted with Iraq's Governing Council and local officials, and determined that massive strikes against the enemy would alienate the local population, and increase support for the insurgency. So we have pursued a different approach. We're making security a shared responsibility in Fallujah. Coalition commanders have worked with local leaders to create an all-Iraqi security force, which is now patrolling the city. Our soldiers and Marines will continue to disrupt enemy attacks on our supply routes, conduct joint patrols with Iraqis to destroy bomb factories and safe houses, and kill or capture any enemy.

These are the conclusions you come up with when you don't read the news.

So, not only is he not addressing the concern over U.S. soldiers' brutality, but now he's focusing on how we're all one big happy family.

I...I...

I must be reading this wrong. In fact, I'm sure I am.

My point, once again, is look at what he's focusing on.

We want Iraqi forces to gain experience and confidence in dealing with their country's enemies. We want the Iraqi people to know that we trust their growing capabilities, even as we help build them. At the same time, Fallujah must cease to be a sanctuary for the enemy, and those responsible for terrorism will be held to account.

"...and for good measure, everyone else will, too."

In the cities of Najaf and Karbala and Kufa, most of the violence has been incited by a young, radical cleric who commands an illegal militia. These enemies have been hiding behind an innocent civilian population, storing arms and ammunition in mosques, and launching attacks from holy shrines. Our soldiers have treated religious sites with respect, while systematically dismantling the illegal militia. We're also seeing Iraqis, themselves, take more responsibility for restoring order. In recent weeks, Iraqi forces have ejected elements of this militia from the governor's office in Najaf. Yesterday, an elite Iraqi unit cleared out a weapons cache from a large mosque in Kufa. Respected Shia leaders have called on the militia to withdraw from these towns. Ordinary Iraqis have marched in protest against the militants.

VoteForChange.net had this to say:

A few days ago George W. Bush referred to Sadr as the enemy. Said Bush in his speech Monday, May 24, 2004, "In the cities of Najaf and Karbala and Kufa, most of the violence has been incited by a young, radical cleric who commands an illegal militia. These enemies have been hiding behind an innocent civilian population, storing arms and ammunition in mosques, and launching attacks from holy shrines. Our soldiers have treated religious sites with respect, while systematically dismantling the illegal militia."

This further demonstrates how out of control this war is and what a vague grasp our president has of what he will do tomorrow. Whether the truce with Sadr is good or bad news, it is clearly not anything the president had planned in his vision for the formation of an Iraqi democracy. Bush will now paint this as an expression of Iraqis making decisions for themselves. Day after day because of our occupation, they are independently making the decision to kill our sons and daughters.

Bush lost control of Fallujah, placing the Iraqi Bath party back in power. The same men who were shooting at us are now controlling the city. The same brutes who once played the role of Saddams henchmen.

802 of our soldiers have died in Iraq. $200 billion has so far been committed to this war that we are slowly losing. City after city is being taken over by Iraqi militants, while Bush is refusing to place a date on when we will withdraw. It is political.

Read the whole article here.

As challenges arise in Fallujah, Najaf, and elsewhere, the tactics of our military will be flexible. Commanders on the ground will pay close attention to local conditions. And we will do all that is necessary -- by measured force or overwhelming force -- to achieve a stable Iraq.

...for as long as it takes.

Iraq's military, police, and border forces have begun to take on broader responsibilities. Eventually, they must be the primary defenders of Iraqi security, as American and coalition forces are withdrawn. And we're helping them to prepare for this role. In some cases, the early performance of Iraqi forces fell short. Some refused orders to engage the enemy. We've learned from these failures, and we've taken steps to correct them. Successful fighting units need a sense of cohesion, so we've lengthened and intensified their training. Successful units need to know they are fighting for the future of their own country, not for any occupying power, so we are ensuring that Iraqi forces serve under an Iraqi chain of command. Successful fighting units need the best possible leadership, so we improved the vetting and training of Iraqi officers and senior enlisted men.

"...and what's important here is that these Iraqi forces are nothing like Saddam's Republican guard. At all. The uniforms are totally different. Not the same. Moving on."

At my direction, and with the support of Iraqi authorities, we are accelerating our program to help train Iraqis to defend their country. A new team of senior military officers is now assessing every unit in Iraq's security forces. I've asked this team to oversee the training of a force of 260,000 Iraqi soldiers, police, and other security personnel. Five Iraqi army battalions are in the field now, with another eight battalions to join them by July the 1st. The eventual goal is an Iraqi army of 35,000 soldiers in 27 battalions, fully prepared to defend their country.

Man. I just hope that whoever our government decides to let take control of it is a good guy.

After June 30th, American and other forces will still have important duties. American military forces in Iraq will operate under American command as a part of a multinational force authorized by the United Nations. Iraq's new sovereign government will still face enormous security challenges, and our forces will be there to help.

"So, settle in."

The third step in the plan for Iraqi democracy is to continue rebuilding that nation's infrastructure, so that a free Iraq can quickly gain economic independence and a better quality of life. Our coalition has already helped Iraqis to rebuild schools and refurbish hospitals and health clinics, repair bridges, upgrade the electrical grid, and modernize the communications system. And now a growing private economy is taking shape. A new currency has been introduced. Iraq's Governing Council approved a new law that opens the country to foreign investment for the first time in decades. Iraq has liberalized its trade policy, and today an Iraqi observer attends meetings of the World Trade Organization. Iraqi oil production has reached more than two million barrels per day, bringing revenues of nearly $6 billion so far this year, which is being used to help the people of Iraq. And thanks in part to our efforts -- to the efforts of former Secretary of State James Baker, many of Iraq's largest creditors have pledged to forgive or substantially reduce Iraqi debt incurred by the former regime.

So, ultimately, oil-grubbing is a good thing.

And it's good to see we could squeeze the words "World Trade" in there. This is called "subliminal prompting," and it can win elections.

By the way, does anyone else think that Dubya handling another country's economy is a good idea? You know, considering the bang-up job he's done with our own? You know, even starting with that surplus we had?

We're making progress. Yet there still is much work to do. Over the decades of Saddam's rule, Iraq's infrastructure was allowed to crumble, while money was diverted to palaces, and to wars, and to weapons programs. We're urging other nations to contribute to Iraqi reconstruction -- and 37 countries and the IMF and the World Bank have so far pledged $13.5 billion in aid. America has dedicated more than $20 billion to reconstruction and development projects in Iraq. To ensure our money is spent wisely and effectively, our new embassy in Iraq will have regional offices in several key cities. These offices will work closely with Iraqis at all levels of government to help make sure projects are completed on time and on budget.

Kind of regretting telling all of those countries to go fuck themselves now, huh, George?

A new Iraq will also need a humane, well-supervised prison system. Under the dictator, prisons like Abu Ghraib were symbols of death and torture. That same prison became a symbol of disgraceful conduct by a few American troops who dishonored our country and disregarded our values. America will fund the construction of a modern, maximum security prison. When that prison is completed, detainees at Abu Ghraib will be relocated. Then, with the approval of the Iraqi government, we will demolish the Abu Ghraib prison, as a fitting symbol of Iraq's new beginning. (Applause.)

These WON'T be torture prisons! The U.S. will be supervising their building, and that will NOT lead to torture.

To which I say:

Um...?

The fourth step in our plan is to enlist additional international support for Iraq's transition. At every stage, the United States has gone to the United Nations -- to confront Saddam Hussein, to promise serious consequences for his actions, and to begin Iraqi reconstruction. Today, the United States and Great Britain presented a new resolution in the Security Council to help move Iraq toward self-government. I've directed Secretary Powell to work with fellow members of the Council to endorse the timetable the Iraqis have adopted, to express international support for Iraq's interim government, to reaffirm the world's security commitment to the Iraqi people, and to encourage other U.N. members to join in the effort. Despite past disagreements, most nations have indicated strong support for the success of a free Iraq. And I'm confident they will share in the responsibility of assuring that success.

"I know I told them in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves, but if they want to prove they're not assholes they'll forget all that and help me get what I want."

Next month, at the NATO summit in Istanbul, I will thank our 15 NATO allies who together have more than 17,000 troops on the ground in Iraq. Great Britain and Poland are each leading a multinational division that is securing important parts of the country. And NATO, itself, is giving helpful intelligence, communications, and logistical support to the Polish-led division. At the summit, we will discuss NATO's role in helping Iraq build and secure its democracy.

This is basically to let us know that he's still actually doing something. Nothing like a big round number like 17,000 to make the American public feel safe.

The fifth and most important step is free, national elections, to be held no later than next January. A United Nations team, headed by Carina Perelli, is now in Iraq, helping form an independent election commission that will oversee an orderly, accurate national election. In that election, the Iraqi people will choose a transitional national assembly, the first freely-elected, truly representative national governing body in Iraq's history. This assembly will serve as Iraq's legislature, and it will choose a transitional government with executive powers. The transitional national assembly will also draft a new constitution, which will be presented to the Iraqi people in a referendum scheduled for the fall of 2005. Under this new constitution, Iraq will elect a permanent government by the end of next year.

I know I'm not the first person to say it, but GEORGE W. BUSH IS PROMISING A FAIR ELECTION. And everyone's okay with that.

In this time of war and liberation and rebuilding, American soldiers and civilians on the ground have come to know and respect the citizens of Iraq. They're a proud people who hold strong and diverse opinions. Yet Iraqis are united in a broad and deep conviction: They're determined never again to live at the mercy of a dictator. And they believe that a national election will put that dark time behind them. A representative government that protects basic rights, elected by Iraqis, is the best defense against the return of tyranny -- and that election is coming. (Applause.)

"...that election is coming."

Heh.

Completing the five steps to Iraqi elected self-government will not be easy. There's likely to be more violence before the transfer of sovereignty, and after the transfer of sovereignty. The terrorists and Saddam loyalists would rather see many Iraqis die than have any live in freedom. But terrorists will not determine the future of Iraq. (Applause.)

"That's OUR job."

That nation is moving every week toward free elections and a permanent place among free nations. Like every nation that has made the journey to democracy, Iraqis will raise up a government that reflects their own culture and values. I sent American troops to Iraq to defend our security, not to stay as an occupying power. I sent American troops to Iraq to make its people free, not to make them American. Iraqis will write their own history, and find their own way. As they do, Iraqis can be certain, a free Iraq will always have a friend in the United States of America. (Applause.)

"Unless, of course, the government we put there start to piss us off, Then, of course, it's Go Time again."

In the last 32 months, history has placed great demands on our country, and events have come quickly. Americans have seen the flames of September the 11th, followed battles in the mountains of Afghanistan, and learned new terms like "orange alert" and "ricin" and "dirty bomb." We've seen killers at work on trains in Madrid, in a bank in Istanbul, at a synagogue in Tunis, and at a nightclub in Bali. And now the families of our soldiers and civilian workers pray for their sons and daughters in Mosul and Karbala and Baghdad.

We did not seek this war on terror, but this is the world as we find it. We must keep our focus. We must do our duty. History is moving, and it will tend toward hope, or tend toward tragedy. Our terrorist enemies have a vision that guides and explains all their varied acts of murder. They seek to impose Taliban-like rule, country by country, across the greater Middle East. They seek the total control of every person, and mind, and soul, a harsh society in which women are voiceless and brutalized. They seek bases of operation to train more killers and export more violence. They commit dramatic acts of murder to shock, frighten and demoralize civilized nations, hoping we will retreat from the world and give them free rein. They seek weapons of mass destruction, to impose their will through blackmail and catastrophic attacks. None of this is the expression of a religion. It is a totalitarian political ideology, pursued with consuming zeal, and without conscience.

Their fault.

Not ours.

Theirs.

We did nothing.

Them: Evil.

Us: Not Evil.

Our actions, too, are guided by a vision. We believe that freedom can advance and change lives in the greater Middle East, as it has advanced and changed lives in Asia, and Latin America, and Eastern Europe, and Africa. We believe it is a tragedy of history that in the Middle East -- which gave the world great gifts of law and science and faith -- so many have been held back by lawless tyranny and fanaticism. We believe that when all Middle Eastern peoples are finally allowed to live and think and work and worship as free men and women, they will reclaim the greatness of their own heritage. And when that day comes, the bitterness and burning hatreds that feed terrorism will fade and die away. America and all the world will be safer when hope has returned to the Middle East.

Or, indeed, anywhere else.

These two visions -- one of tyranny and murder, the other of liberty and life -- clashed in Afghanistan. And thanks to brave U.S. and coalition forces and to Afghan patriots, the nightmare of the Taliban is over, and that nation is coming to life again. These two visions have now met in Iraq, and are contending for the future of that country. The failure of freedom would only mark the beginning of peril and violence. But, my fellow Americans, we will not fail. We will persevere, and defeat this enemy, and hold this hard-won ground for the realm of liberty.

May God bless our country. (Applause.)

END 8:34 P.M. EDT

Because, let's face it: NO ONE ELSE WILL.

2004-05-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well I'm not uptight...

Not unattracted...

Turn me on tonight...

...Cause I'm:

>
WARNING

Rob Matsushita is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

From Go-Quiz.com

From all my LiveJournal buddies.

As a side note, I remember way, way, back when Potch copied that song for me. (And I see he not only got the same warning label, but note his song for the day.)

2004-05-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

Just so we've all got this straight:

A president getting a blowjob from an intern results in a live telecast of said president being interrogated shown on every network.

A president facing more and more mounting evidence that his administration ignored palpable terrorist red flags and intelligence deliberately for political gain and aids the death of over four thousand American citizens stateside and over a thousand more overseas results in one reporter in a one-on-one interview without any recording devices or the presence of any other press.

Yeah, the media's too liberal.

Speaking of commie-liberal media, I just published another movie review over at Unrealistic Expectations. Enjoy the love.

2004-04-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

Wow. A play about The Jerry Springer Show.

Man, I wish I'd thought of that.

Oh, wait.

2004-04-01T01:38:00.000-06:00

So, Unemployment told me to go fuck myself.

April Fools.

Okay, actually, my interview with the woman from Unemployment went pretty well, I thought.

For those of you who haven't been there, what happens is that after you file your unemployment claim, they set up a time to call you and basically compare your story with your previous employer.

She asked me why they fired me, and I told her what I've told you--that a customer complained to the VP of the bank, saying that she couldn't believe I was still working there, and wanted to know why I hadn't been fired yet. This is, pretty much verbatim, what's in the letter of discharge they gave me.

A lot of this conversation, I figured, was to determine how different what I had to say was different from my last employer. (She started off by saying that she had gotten a statement from them as well, and my evaluation would be based on both our sides--which, I have to add, is a better chance than I was given by my former employers.)

I didn't lie--and if I had, I would have easily been caught, since she had their statement right there.

Her next question was about whether or not I had been warned on this issue previously. I said, yeah, last year they gave me a write-up.

"Would that be in April, '03?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Yup, I was right--she knew the answer already, and just wanted to see if I'd answer honestly. That's actually pretty logical; I imagine that they get a lot of people who want to pull a Trainspotting and live off of Unemployment.

"Did you feel you did the job to the best of your abilities."

"I believe so."

"Can you tell me why?"

"Well, the VP did give me a raise for having an good attitude and work ethic."

"And that was when?"

"Last month. That's why my dismissal was such a surprise. I figured since they gave me a raise for having a good attitude, I should just keep doing what I was doing."

"It sounds like you just upset the wrong customer."

"I guess so. Although the paperwork they gave me didn't really say that I'd done anything recently--just that this customer was upset I was still working there. It could have been just a repeat of the earlier complaint."

"Probably."

"The funny thing about the April '03 complaint, is that same week a customer called my manager to tell them I was a really great employee. That kind of tells me I was doing a good job. I mean, almost nobody calls in to compliment you. Usually, when people call, it's to complain."

"Oh, yeah, tell me about it."

I felt a lot more at ease when she said that--I felt like I was dealing with a human being.

"Sadly," I said, "the person who called with the compliment called my manager, and the person who called to complain called the vice president."

"Yeah, like I said, it sounds like you just upset the wrong customer."

"Sadly."

She told me that she'd be submitting the report, and the evaluation will be coming in a few days, and in the meantime, I should just go on filing my weekly claims and looking for work.

I thanked her for her time, and so far, that's where we all are.

Breathe in, breathe out.

2004-03-29T14:17:00.000-06:00

Y'know, I got so caught up in feeling sorry for myself for the whole "being fired" thing, I forgot to give you the cool news that happened on the same day:

Two of my monologues (including "Duane," which was in "Lil' Pervs") are going to be published in The Ultimate Monologue Book Vol 4: 222 Monologues 2 Minutes and Under.

Pretty cool, huh?

It's just nice to know that the next time some crappy student actor annoys a drama teacher with his or her poorly thought-out acting choices, there's like a one-in-a-hundred chance it will be my words that student will use.

Neato!

2004-03-22T22:02:00.000-06:00

Given my papers.

Pink-slipped.

Booted.

Ousted.

Caught in a restructuring.

Rendered redundant.

HISTORY.

Today, all of these things are me.

That's right, at about two in the afternoon I was fired from my job as a bank teller.

The reason I was given was that someone called the vice president of the bank to tell her that they were shocked that I was still alowed to work there. I, apparently, never smile, never talk, and that they actively avoid that branch of the bank because I work there.

The V.P. told me that when she tried to think about anything about me that would contradict that statement, she could come up with nothing.

Although she gave me a raise less than two months ago becuase she heard I had made tremendous improvement at the bank, she assured me that this was not enough.

Asking for my side of the story was not neccessary, so she got my bag and my coat, and escorted me out.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I asked why I had to leave right then, and I was told that bank policy is that this is how they handle it. With me sneaking out the back door.

They told me it was for my benefit that they do it this way.

I sugggested that if this were truly for my benefit, that they may have given me at least enough time to find another job.

They didn't have an answer for that.

2004-03-17T21:59:00.000-06:00

I have just been told
This week's Haiku Wednesday is
Mostly about me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, heh.

(Okay, maybe not
"Mostly," but the exposure
Is pretty durn cool.)

2004-03-12T06:49:00.000-06:00

Hey, kids.

Don't forget, this is an election year.

So be sure to do your part with these groovy printable Bush/Cheney election stickers.

An enterprising mind might find an evil application for these.

Just saying.

Okay, here's the first:

Personally, I think enough of these passed around would cost him the election. But if you want to go another route...

Yeah, it's a little more smarmy. Not quite as underhanded as the last one.

The next one is a little more obscure...

A little obscure? Mean-spirited? Kick it around. It's catchy.

Okay, let's try for optimistic...

See? Nicer! I mean, what are the odds that we could have another war? Because first off, we'd have to finish the one we're in now, and second...

Yeah, I got nothing. Moving on...

Because burning bridges is the American way.

You know, it's not ethical to have a favorite child, but I really feel there's no topping our next one...

That's all, folks! Remember, I'm not saying you SHOULD print out a bunch of these and hand them out at Bush election rallies...just that if someone did it, it'd be pretty neat.

Is my passport ready, yet?

2004-02-20T14:14:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back.

And I know I'm back in Madison because I just read the most pretentious play review ever by critic and me-hater Veronica Rueckert. Yeah, I read Roger Ebert, too, Ronny.

Look at this, I'm not back a week and I'm already complaining. And after such a great trip.

That's right, last week I went to see "Lil Pervs," a night of short plays, some of which have been written by yours truly. (Running until Feb. 22nd, so for Christ's sake, get a move-on if you're going.)

I was pretty excited--I've seen work of mine performed before, and even by people unconnected to me, but...

Well, it's New York, what can I say?

Before the show started, I was stopped by Ezekiel Kendrick, sound design for the show, and Shoko Kambara, scenic designer (I think--I'm pretty sure she said she designed the set--if I'm wrong, I apologize...I was a little awe-struck I was back in NYC), who both said, "Hey, love your work." That felt good.

The two highlights of the evening are "Eye Level," by Laura Axelrod, and "The Fateful Day Of The Rabbi," by Anne De Mare. Both piece were performed by Carolyn Corbett who--and this is the most delicate way I can put this--FUCKING ROCKED. Corbett was actually my mom's favorite actress, too. "Once she started, you just can't your eyes off her!"

After seeing her in "Eye Level," I crossed my fingers and muttered, oh please oh please oh please let her be in one of MY pieces...

Which she was--my short play, "Sappy Love," which I wrote to cheer up a friend whose girlfriend broke up with him. In the play, much is made of what could possibly be the main ingredient of the chili both characters are eating. I won't give it away, but all night when people said hi to me, they added, "oh, you're the creepy chili guy!"

I talked to Dan Trujillo, the producer and playwright of one of the pieces, who told me that when they read everything initially, they knew they'd have to cut something--and that it was almost unanimously decided that whatever happened, they had to keep "Sappy Love" in the show. That's pretty frickin' cool.

Lydia Radzuil, the director (as well as writer of two poems performed in the show), went in the direction of making the two characters as nerdy as humanly possible. This was different than I'd imagined it, and I couldn't be happier. It's a short piece, and should be played for maximum comic impact. And I'd walk a mile for the distant, haunted way that Corbett croaks out "WHY...?"

Also in "Sappy Love" was Paul "Klem" Klementowicz, who reminded quite a few of my friends of Stephen Root. I have to rent "13 Conversations About One Thing," now, just because the program mentions that he's in it. He was funny, too, and he also performed one of my monologues, "Duane," about a desperate man apologizing to his girlfriend, Jody-Jo. (Which is a name that guarantees at least a smile from an audience.)

The first was Radziul's poem, "bomb blast," which was rapped by Brian Nemiroff (who has the kind of face where you swear you've seen him before) and human beatboxed by Craig Waletzko, who was another standout. The two attack it with such fun, that it's a good, energetic way to start the evening.

"Roller Coaster," by Kayla Solomon, was the serious piece of the show. It's one of those kind of short works that you do kind of need to let settle a little but in your head, after. I liked it, but I understood when the audience sort of reluctantly clapped after it. It's a lot to take in, just when it seemed like things were getting purely comical.

I understand why they selected it (you can't NOT select something that powerful), but it did present them with a conundrum of where in the show you put it. Intelligently, they put it between two funny pieces. Nemiroff was in this one, as was Beth Collins, as his sister. The acting was pretty solid, and I was actually glad to see a serious piece just because it gave you some idea of range. Collins also plays a teenager in one of my monologues ("Faye",) and if you just saw that one, you might think that was all she can do. She speaks in a lower register for "Roller Coaster," (which is probably her normal speaking voice), holds herself totally differently, and it's a different person.

As I watched the show, I realized I had no memory of which monologues had been picked. (I submitted ten, and they used three.) All night, I kept belatedly realizing that I was hearing my own words performed. Craig Waletzko, who read my monologue "Paul," about a man talking to his date's eight year old daughter (who apparently does a rather unflattering impression of her mother), was one of my cousin Takeo's favorites. (I think it should go without saying, from this point on, that I loved ALL the cast members.)

Waletzko, who has an open, friendly face and, like all professional actors, projects in such a way that is loud without sounding like shouting, was damn funny, but also fascinating to watch in Trujillo's piece, the longest one of the night (quiet, you), "Nothing To Do Without You," about two people bound together by...well, I wouldn't so much say love. Or hate. Perhaps genuine acceptance of each one's annoyance of the other.

This one has a bit of nasty violence in it, and I had to tell friends of mine afterwards that, "no, oddly, I did not write the violent one."

Also in "Nothing To Do," is Alisha McKinney, who seems to have the most innocent face because of her teacup-sized eyes, and the most devious face when she narrows them. She's really funny as a character who is the hero or the villain, depending on your point of view (it's that kind of play). My mom read in the program that she was on "As The World Turns," and spent the rest of the play trying to remember if she'd seen her. "You gotta ask her what she did," she told me, "It's gonna drive me nuts!"

Sadly, my mom is now nuts because I didn't get a chance to ask. Oh, well.

Beth Collins then flat-out nailed my monologue, "Faye," sounding almost exactly like I'd imagined it. "Faye" is a quick short about an overly excited teenage girl leaving a message on her friend's machine.

Alisha McKinney then performed another of Radziul's poems--although the first night it seemed over just as it started. The second night I saw it (and maybe this is my imagination) she slowed it down a bit, and it worked.

After the show, I was stopped by Kayla Soloman, and we both congratulated each other on our scripts.

I stuck around the second night for some picture-taking (Dan wanted to get a shot of the actors and the playwrights), and I walked behind Brian Nemiroff and stood next to Paul Klementowicz. Nemiroff turned around and at first looked at me like you'd look at an audience member who just walked into the cast photo, then asked, "oh, are you one of the writers?"

Yeah, I said, I'm the crazy chili guy.

The actors around me all reacted to this, and Klementowicz turns to me, and says, "Oh, you're the guy!"

Yup!

"Well, I apologize for butchering your words," he said, then added, "but I do not apologize for butchering Connie!" (A character in the script)

I laughed and gave him thumbs up.

After the photo, Craig Waletzko walked up to me and shook my hand, and we talked a little bit before the rest of the pictures had to be taken. There wasn't a lot of time to chat (I missed out on really getting to meet the cast) because there was another show going up in an hour, so I just stuck around to watch Dan take publicity photos from "Sappy Love," just to see Klementowicz and Corbett do it again.

After, I joined my friends at a local bar, bitched about not being able to smoke in the bar, determined that "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is essentially the same song as "Hang Tough," and basked in the warm glow of my New York City debut.

2004-02-06T11:51:00.000-06:00

So, off I head to the East Coast for my vacation.

In my wake I leave a UE Rental Reject review for the god-awful "Cheerleader Ninjas," and the preview for Lil Pervs, which opens next week.

Last night, I call my mom to touch bases before the trip.

She says, “I have some bad news.”

I have a feeling I know what she’s going to say before she says it.

I ask her what the bad news is.

"Vito," she tells me.

Our cat. The one given to us way back when I still lived with her. A Maine coon cat we decided to name Vito "The Cat" Manelli.

I thought he should have a mob-type name because of the circumstances of him being with us. My mom's friend had more cats than her landlord allowed, and one day she surprised us with him. "Your life will be so much richer when you have an animal in it."

Under her breath, my mom said to me, "That cat's gotta go."

"He was in pain," my mom says. "He seemed to be getting better, and then he just wasn't." I can tell she's crying.

Vito spent the first night with us hiding behind a speaker and crying all night. We were told he was chosen to be the one who lived with us because he had "the most personality."

This, I have always suspected, translates directly into "The other cats hated him."

"He's not happy here," my mom said, "He's gotta find someplace else."

Often, I would have friends over. I would come back from the kitchen to find everyone under the dining room table, trying to coax Vito out.

Finally, one day, my friend Seth came over and shouted with surprise, "Ah! He's out!" He pointed at Vito, who was just lying on the floor out in the open, lounging.

"Oh, yeah," I said, "I guess he's not afraid of us any more." I hadn't even noticed that he had accepted us.

"I still find myself looking for him," my mom says, and that does it. I start bawling like a baby. "The house seems so empty," she says.

I ask her when this happened.

"Three weeks ago."

Three weeks?

I guess I haven't called in a while.

"I only start to get upset when I talk about it," she says.

Vito, like a lot of pets in single-pet households, thought he was a human. Or, at least, he didn't seem to know he was a cat.

He would watch TV, sitting on his butt like a single guy watching the game with a beer in his hand. He would get actively interested at times. He would see an elephant on the screen and suddenly take interest, as if to ask: Is that what I am?

When a special on wolves came on the Learning Channel, Vito would cock his head back, as if he wanted to howl. But he would yawn instead.

While watching the scene in "Godfather II" where Bruno Kirby is showing Robert DeNiro how to rob a house, and saying, "Hey, Vito! Vito! C'mere!" Vito would quickly run up to the set, desperately trying to give Bruno Kirby some help.

When he was a kitten, Vito would eat spaghetti like a person. He would find the end of a strand, and then slurp it down. At family functions, my mom would make him a plate and he would sit at the table.

I ask my mom how old Vito was.

"Eleven," she tells me.

I ask if that's old, and she tells me no. "He was sick," she adds.

Vito, in addition to the cancer he eventually died from, also had this condition where his urine would crystallize in his urethra, causing him intense pain whenever he had to pee. Frequently he would pee on someplace where he knew we would sit, so we could see that there was blood in his urine.

Eventually, we got him a special food that broke up the crystals, and Vito got better.

Vito also had asthma, and as it turns out, was allergic to his own dander. No wonder he was so cranky all the time.

When I came to visit last year, Vito was getting these growths on his back that had to be operated on. This was not the first time, I was told. Vito spent most of my vacation in bandages.

"I haven't got his ashes, yet," my mom tells me.

I ask her what she's planning on doing with them.

"Probably put them on the piano next to his picture, and the picture of Poody."

Poody.

Our first cat. A brown tabby. Died of leukemia when I was about nine. I thought that was the worst news I would ever receive until my dad told me in a hotel room that he and my mom were splitting up.

My mom named him Poody because that was the only name he even remotely responded to.

Of the two cats, Poody was the macho one.

Poody hunted. Once, when I was seven, my mom opened the door for Poody to come in, and only then did we realize that Poody had a screaming baby rabbit in his mouth, which he'd brought home as a tribute for all of us to share. Mom and I freaked, Poody was confused, and Dad ended up dealing with it.

When Poody died, my mom said that she would never get a cat again. It was too hard, she said, to care for something that long that you knew you were going to outlive.

"I wouldn't have got the ashes in the first place if I'da known they'd be so damned expensive," my mom says. "I think I only have one picture of him."

I know the picture. Vito was about two months old. Still tiny. Maine coon cats grow to be very big--the size of a medium-sized dog, really.

I told her that I might have one, but I'm not sure. I lost a lot moving out of the old place.

Vito was not an outdoor cat. He was scared of everything, and the closest he got to the outside was when we let him on the screened-in porch. He would sit there, late at night, and the other cats would come and visit him, like he was the Godfather.

I tell her that I had been really looking forward to seeing Vito again.

And by seeing, I mean "mugging."

Vito, publicly, didn't like affection. So I used to bother him by picking him up, holding him, and yelling "MUG THE CAT!!!" until he'd wriggle away.

"Must you torment him?" my mom would say.

Vito, frequently, could be a vindictive asshole. If he was upset at you, he'd let you know it. Early on, he'd taken to peeing on our spots on the couch. He'd do it so far in advance, that you often wouldn't know until you sat down.

His new name, for a time, became "Little Bastard."

Privately, when it was a one-on-one situation, however, Vito would be affectionate. If you got up late at night to get a glass of water, he'd be rolling around on the floor, purring loudly, waiting to be petted.

When Vito thought my mom was asleep, he'd crawl over and sleep next to her. My mom woke up once, saw him, and he quickly moved to the other side of the bed, pretending like it was an accident that he was sleeping that close to her.

When I left last time, Vito seemed so old and fragile to me that I had changed it to "HUG the cat."

"So, when you come here, it'll be the same place," my mom says, "just without any of the cat stuff."

I tell her I'll see her on Saturday.

Welcome back, Rob. Says New Jersey.

Goodbye, Vito. Says Rob.

2004-01-15T20:42:00.000-06:00

I went to see "Oriphice" at Broom Street Theater (which, in my absence, has been painted a bright green color, by the way) this past Sunday.

It's a nice return to form for BST, I think. It's a lot of fun. I've heard that Joel Gersmann grumbled a bit that it's very empty (something he always used to use as a compliment, by the way), but you know, sometimes I think that's Joel's way of saying he thinks it's going to do very well. He said the same thing about "Whatever Happened To Bette And Joan," so, there you go.

Since I saw it on Sunday, the crowd was a small and quiet one. Tracy, the director, and the rest of the cast seemed a little dismayed by that, but from what I could see, the material obviously works with a crowd.

And let me tell you, man, that first Sunday can be such a comedown. There's nothing quite like riding high on the energy from that opening weekend's Friday and Saturday, and then have ten people on that Sunday.

Keeps you humble.

Brad Knight (who looks like he's lost quite a bit of weight since I last saw him) and Al Hart are a fun comic team, and frequent readers of this page may also be interested to know that Debra (Ma'am) Neff Nathans is also in the play (and has my favorite bit, as the Oracle).

And, man, I feel like a heel because I didn't pay-I coasted in on my director cred, even though I'm no longer a director there and it's a whole new season. Tracy let me in because I sort of put her on the spot, but really, I looked in my wallet and saw that I only had two bucks. How embarrassing. (I ended up putting one in the collection basket and the other in the actor's box.)

Although I didn't congratulate Tracy (in retrospect, I probably should have, but she seemed busy immediately after the show), I did talk to Matt, the playwright (who's also in the show) and told him that I was glad that the show was kept to a manageable length. Matt and I used to have lots of talks about how BST shows shouldn't be longer than ninety minutes, ever. BST seating is notoriously uncomfortable, and people, typically, can only stand sitting in those bleachers for roughly forty-five minutes before it becomes too uncomfortable to watch the show. When "Oriphice" was over, I looked at my watch and it said 9:50 pm. Excellent.

For those interested (which should be all nine of you), it's running Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at 8:00 at Broom Street Theater up through Feb 15th. At seven bucks a ticket, BST is still the cheapest game in town.

In other theater news, there's a new show opening the Friday night. In fact, it's the same show that's been rehearsing in my basement (the singular reason my roommate Sam and I cleaned it) for the past month, by Daina Zemliauskas and Kathy Lynn Sliter's theater group thrustStage.

It is, in fact the show "Squirrels," which is a group of one-acts and monologues by Don Nigro. If you don't know the name (I didn't either), do yourself the favor and check out his work. He's a writer of some wit and thought. His pieces are not only thought-provoking and poigniant, but alsoas funny as all get-out.

Currently, in this town, there's a lot of hubbub about the upcoming StageQ show, "Corpus Christi," which features my friend Nathan Caracter as a gay Jesus Christ. (as is my understanding) There's been protestors and such. (I may discuss that issue at a later time, because things about it piss me off. In the meantime, check out this opinion. And this one.)

Having seen some of "Squirrels," I think it's really funny how this is going to really slip in under the protestors' radar. There are some harsh, blunt statements said about religion in here--and ones worth hearing.

For those of you who have been following all of my work (which, at this point, I'm pretty sure is just me), you'll recognize Marcy Weiland and Molly Vanderlin from "Orange Murder Suit," (Molly, of course, also played Kate in my version of "Psychos In Love") Amy Lewis from my production of "Bash," Daina Zemliauskas and Mickey Crocker from Blitzkreig 3-D, and Casey Grimm will eventually be seen in my upcoming show "Welcome To The Terror Dome," which is still in early development stages. It's also got Erik Burtz and Nancie Sanford. Both of whom, quite literally, rock. I say that because I've seen them do it.

"Squirrels" is directed by the lovely and talented Kathy Lynn Sliter, who you may have seen in such plays as "Psychos In Love." (In which she played, among other things, the manic-depressive who wouldn't shut up, the guy who gets his head chopped off, and Ann Coulter, the daughter of Satan.)

It's running Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm up through January 31st, and it's at--and here's what makes this even more of an action item--The Kanopy Dance Studio, at 133 W. Johnson St. (A couple of doors down from Noodles And Company on State Street.) Tickets are $15 ($12 students and seniors), and you can call 608-260-8971 for reservations.

Why is this a big deal?

Because Kanopy is a wonderful (and less expensive) venue for smaller plays in this town. See, what I really think this town needs is another independent theater venue. All due respect to The Bartell, but the rental prices there are oppressively expensive. As a result, the smaller companies can't really take any chances (which is usually what smaller companies are for) and have to pick shows that are a guaranteed return investment on the money they spend.

So, it's up to you. If enough people make this show a success, other theater group may be freed up to take more chances and do more things. We used to have this sort of thing with Brave Hearts Theater. I came to realize that Brave Hearts kept all the companies honest, because it was somewhere in between Broom Street and "traditional" theater. When Brave Hearts went away, Broom Street was the only irreverent game in town, and the other companies had to curb their harsher work in favor of making their money back.

The theaterfolk in this town have been screaming for years that they want another space.

Well, here one is. Make it famous.

And last but not least, I have big news for those of you in the East Coast!

A group of my monologues (some of which I wrote for Jen The Costuminatrix's radio show) and a short play I wrote called "Sappy Love" are going to be performed in...

(BA-DA!!!)

New York City!

It's true. They'll be part of a night of short plays called "Lil' Pervs," directed by Lydia Radziul and produced by Dan Trujillo. This'll be running from February 12th through the 22nd, at 8pm at The Red Room, at E. 4th St. off of 2nd Ave.

By coincidence, this same theater is where my friend Rick Vorndran has put up a few shows-most recently, "Please Please Please Love Me" (which used to be called "Control Freaks In Love," until he switched the titles with another show of his)-which was not only a Broom Street show, but a Broom Street show I was in.

Oh, yeah--and I'll be there opening night, too. You'll recognize me, because I'll be the one giving you thumbs up and saying "AYYYYYYYYYY."

2003-12-31T19:16:00.000-06:00

Another lucid fantasy.

The fantasy, like most of my fantasies, starts with an unoriginal idea.

In this one, I have one of those Twilight Zone watches that stops time. I press a button, and FWEEP everything stops.

Right away, I quit my job.

Having pretty much no guilt, I decide not to steal money, but things I need.

Food.

Clothes.

Computer equipment and an entertainment center.

I reach a higher consciousness, and gain a moment of clarity. This power I have is a gift. I should do something to help society.

I kick around the idea of fighting crime, but I'm not crazy about the idea of confrontation. And how do you stop crime with this power, anyway? You'd have to know where it was going to happen.

No, it requires too much thought, and I'd rather just get to it.

I flip on the television and see that President Bush is about to give a speech.

They're live.

Unsure what I'm going to do, I freeze time--FWEEP--and head out the door.

It's quite the drive, but since I have all the time in the world, I drive to Washington, D.C.

After finding the White House, I walk into the press room area, and see that the president is about to walk on stage. Like everyone else, he's frozen in time.

I can't waste an opportunity like this.

As far as the rest of the world understands it, George W. Bush walks into the press room totally naked.

The TV audience only sees the screen suddenly go black.

For safety reasons (I don't fuck with the Secret Service if I can help it) I don't unfreeze time until I get home. I can only imagine what's going on in the press room.

Bedlam, one would hope.

I smile. I may have saved a nation.

Only not.

The majority of the press stays quiet--all cameras and equipment confiscated right then and there. Those who bother mentioning the incident only say that the conference was canceled, but won't say why.

A tape of the incident that one reporter sneaks out is broadcast on the internet, but it's dismissed as a fake.

This pisses me off.

But there is a ray of hope. They'll have to have a conference again.

They do.

Once again, our president walks out to greet the crowd.

And once again, he's naked.

Earlier, as I am cutting the predisential blue tailored suit of of him, that security is now much more visible.

This particular conference is in a totally different press room, too.

And this time, it does make the air.

Only when it's reported on, people comment on it in a strangely positive way.

Rush Limbaugh comments that not only is this a marker of Bush's superior sense of humor, but adds that Clinton would never have had the guts to pull such a move, or else we'd have seen it.

Ann Coulter adds, "and, I'll tell you, he is in wonderful shape, don't you think?"

Fox News Network doesn't go so far as to call it a bold move, but they don't not call it one either. It's referred to as the President's "statement."

On what, no one will say.

I'm staggered.

The White House releases a statement to the press that the incident was "neither intentional nor unintentional, but beside the pointm" and adds, "that we shouldn't lose sight of what President Bush said that day."

The fact that he said nothing at the press conference, and simply scampered away like and earwig seems to occur to no one.

I freeze time, steal a suit, and sneak back into the White House. Amazingly, they're having another press conference.

Walking around, I see President Bush, once again about to greet his public. He looks quite nervous, even while frozen. An advisor is whispering in his ear.

Okay, this has got to be fast.

Walking up close, I unfreeze time to hear some of what the advisor is saying. I figure five seconds is enough time before I'm spotted.

I unfreeze time.

The advisor is saying, "--rry, Mr. President. If it happens again, just go with it. Act like you planned the who--"

FWEEP.

Hmm.

Looks like it's time for a change in tactics.

The President does not walk out naked. He is visibly relieved.

"Well," he says, "what can I say?"

He nervously laughs, and adds reading from the TelePromTer, "I'm just glad you can see me speak as I'd prefer you to. I'm much more comforable like this."

He stops reading when he sees the faces of the press.

He feels down, unconsciously.

Yup, he almost seems to say, still clothed.

He looks down and sees what everyone else sees.

President George W. Bush is in a full Nazi dress uniform.

"You have to put this in context," Bill O'Reilly screams at a phone-in guest, "President Bush was clearly making a comment on his true feelings on Nazism. He knew we were all expecting him to come out there naked, and, going against our expectations equated being a Nazi with being fully naked."

"He certainly does keep you guessing," Bernie Goldberg adds. Later on he grouses about how the liberal media will turn this into a bad thing.

I'm furious for a collection of reasons, not the least of which is because finding a Nazi uniform, much less one that fit Bush, was a bitch and a half. Belatedly, I realize that a KKK outfit would have been easier to fake and easier to get on.

Sadly, all press conferences have been cancelled so I won't get another shot.

Unphased, I freeze time and wander around the White House.

I find the Oval Office, but it's empty.

I remember an episode of "Benson" where they suggest that somewhere along the wall is the secret executive bathroom, its door flush with the wall.

I walk around the room, my palm feeling the wall as I go.

Click.

A panel opens, and there he is, President Bush, we meet again, only this time he's in mid-taking-a-dump.

The stress from my little crimefighting excursion seems to have given him constipation. He's really trying to sqeeze it out, as I can see by the lines on his head.

I'm amazed at my luck--I was only looking for the bathroom so I could pee.

Luckily, I find a full coffee pot and use that.

As I urinate into the president's coffee, I notice outside the White House, up in the front, is a news crew. Form the radar dish and the woman with the mike in front of the camera, I figure they're doing a live feature of some sort.

I look around the office, and figure if I check the mail room, they're sure to have a dolly. Just behind the desk, however, I see exactly what I'm looking for.

And sure enough, CNN is standing in front of the White House, talking about how sooner or later President Bush will have to start giving speeches again, when suddenly, horribly, right behind them, live and on national fucking television, President George W. Bush is taking a shit on the American flag.

Startled, Bush panicks.

But gravity is not on his side today, and he falls backward into his own filth.

The cameras rush over to him, and one Secret Service Agent, out on his smoke break, sees the mess and calls for backup.

I freeze time and get out of there.

"I think what this shows, really, is that our president, after all that's happened in his term, is still getting enough fiber in his diet," Sean Hannity says, with no detectible trace of irony. "And good for him," he concludes.

"We'll be back after these messages," Alan Colmes adds.

I put my foot through the television screen and walk out of the Best Buy, fuming.

Son of a goddamn motherfucking son of a BITCH! What the fuck does it goddamn take?!?

I decide to throw in the towel, when I look in the paper, and I see, buried on page 14, the current death tally of Gulf War II. Over five hundred of our men. Countless other citizens.

I look at the front page and see a carefully cropped photo of the President's contribution to our national colors, placed next to a photo of him, smiling. The headline reads, "President Shows Press What He Thinks Of Saddam."

I'm gonna get you, Smirky, I say out loud to the newspaper. It's an election year. You have to come out sometime.

Let's play, motherfucker.

Let us play.

The months go by slowly. My imagination is running low, but I'm strengthen with the knowledge that as long as this time seems to me, even with me being able to freeze time, for Bush, it must seem longer.

Among my character assassination attempts:

I find an irrefutable link between the Bush and bin Laden families, in the form of several files in the president’s desk. I send copies to every newspaper and news station, but nothing happens. I send them anonymously to Michael Moore. This helps, but not as much as you'd think. Moore's critics and discreditors scream louder than he does, and it's all but forgotten.

I place a startled President Bush at a KKK rally. The story in the paper the next day says that Bush was part of a complicated sting operation. When it's discovered that many of the KKK members there have been friends with Bush since high school, it's explained that the sting was very involved, indeed.

As the president is about to kiss a baby, he finds his mouth on the penis of a well-known Hollywood actor. Although this happens front of cameras, all White House officials collectively pretend it didn't happen. On talk shows, when it is brought up, the questioner is invariably shot down by the host, who screams, "isn't this just the sort of bottom-feeding journalism that makes all of us look bad? If this happened to Clinton, you'd all be singing a different tune!" Even the gay press seems to wish it not to have happened, as there are some people no group truly wants as a member.

The well-known Hollywood actor goes on to work with Michael Bay.

I find security tapes showing Gearge W. Bush snorting cocaine as early as a couple of weeks ago and send them to news stations (just out of habit at this point) as well as various websites, including ifilm.com and “The Smoking Gun.” The tapes trickle out into the public, but the mainstream press assure the nation that the tapes are actually several years old, and taken long before Bush became President. Even though the tapes are time-coded, clearly take place in the oval office, and a large desk calendar is clearly visible, the public seems to buy it.

This continues on for the rest of the year.

When Bush accidentally reads the N-word off a teleprompter during a speech, no one in the press seems to hear it, and his numbers with the African-American community don’t get any smaller. They don’t get any higher, either, but there you go.

When Bush enters a live debate in blackface and wearing a necklace made from human ears I collect from cadavers, it isn’t noticed at all, except by Al Sharpton, who everyone ignores.

By the time Bush addresses the nation on live TV wearing an evening dress and sporting a mohawk, it’s as much an indication that I’ve run out of ideas as anything.

It is the final day of the Presidential Debates, and so, of course, I go. This may be my last chance.

I am about to freeze time when I stop for a moment and take in the situation.

Although the other candidates are more well-spoken and clearly smarter than President Bush, he seems to be doing well. Even after all I’ve done, he’s still doing well.

I freeze time and walk up there. Looking Bush in the frozen eye, I am defeated.

Fine, I say. You can keep this country. They deserve you.

I walk out of the debate and see a woman wearing a Pro-Choice pin. For the hell of it, I remove the pin and put it on Bush’s lapel.

The next day, President George W. Bush is impeached.

The Democrats win the election in a landslide.

Our troops are brought home.

The economy goes back to normal.

I celebrate by ordering myself a pizza and taking a nap.

2003-12-25T12:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Decemberween, everyone!

Or, you know, whichever holiday you subscribe to.

2003-12-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

This is part three of a short play I wrote with Buck and Doug.

For part one, click here.

For part two, click here.

And, onto the conclusion of..."Positive Outlook."

SATAN

Oh, I’m sorry, was there something in our agreement about whisking you off to safety? As a matter of fact, no, I don’t recall saying anything like that!

DR. ROSARIO

But – but -

SATAN

That's why they call it a “devil’s bargain,” babe. But don’t worry, you’ll have your leather corset – oh, yeah, which reminds me.

(SATAN gestures, assuming one can “gesture” with one’s head, and DR. ROBERTHEIMER starts to shake violently. Finally, she rips off her lab coat to reveal a leather corset, bustier, and thigh-high boots. She also pulls her glasses off and her hair out of the bun. She is now one sexy mama.)

STEPHEN and DR. ROSARIO

Wow.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

(whose voice has now become a sexy, husky come-hither lilt with sexy mannerisms, as if she’s in a softcore Playboy video. She touches herself suggestively as she talks.) I really must protest. That was very – (She notices what has become of her voice) and I want my voice back, immediately. This is very unprofessional. (She notices how much she is fondling herself) And stop this touching at once!

SATAN

See how accommodating I’m being? I went and threw in all this other stuff, no extra charge!

(DR. ROSARIO is pushing frantically on the microwave’s buttons, trying to make the countdown stop. STEPHEN is transfixed by the new version of DR. ROBERTHEIMER – who continues to be unwillingly lost in a haze of sexuality.)

DR. ROSARIO

Yeah, and it’s not as though I don’t appreciate that part, but – really, now.

(Dr. Robertheimer trains her sights on Stephen, suddenly. She sidles over to him, seductively.)

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Oh, well, if we’re all going to die, I want to go out with a bang.

DR. ROSARIO

I just want to go home.

SATAN

And Jairkov?

DR. ROSARIO

No, I was just gonna watch some TV.

STEPHEN

Yeah, Satan?

SATAN

You may have your Zagnut.

(Stephen reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Zagnut.)

STEPHEN

Wicked! Thanks, dude!

SATAN

Actually, it was in your pocket the whole time.

DR. ROSARIO

(Suddenly spiteful, to Stephen) Ha! In your FACE!!!

(Stephen just looks at him and eats the Zagnut.)

STEPHEN

Hey, Satan?

SATAN

Yes, Jairkov?

STEPHEN

If you’ve been transmuted into flesh, doesn’t that mean that you’ll be vaporized, too?

(Satan suddenly looks ill.)

SATAN

Oh, balls.

DR. ROSARIO

So, fix the stress fracture.

SATAN

I can't. When the air is this heavily ionized, I have no telekinetic powers.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

We could reverse the polarity on the accelerator.

DR. ROSARIO

It would take hours just to get the generators online.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

So we can't get out of this through telekinetics or conventional physics.

SATAN

We're fucked!

STEPHEN

What about metaphysics? If I can logically prove the non-existence of Satan, then none of this ever happened.

SATAN

Better minds than you have tried, jerk-off.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Jairkov. It's worth a try, Stephen.

STEPHEN

Alright, but stop rubbing my thigh. I can't concentrate. Okay, since you introduced yourself as Lucifer, I can presume we're operating in a Protestant Christian theology, correct? Therefore, your existence is defined by your relationship to Jehovah. If he doesn't exist, then you don't exist. Accept the premise so far?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

What a big premise you have.

STEPHEN

Thank you. Please take your hand off my ass. Satan, you've actually met the big man. Would you describe him as omnipotent, all-powerful, capable of all-things?

SATAN

Yes.

STEPHEN

Would you describe him as omniscient, all-knowing, all-seeing?

SATAN

Yes.

STEPHEN

I see. Omnisicent, and omnipotent. When's his birthday?

SATAN

He doesn't have one.

STEPHEN

So he can't throw himself a party?

SATAN

Could if he wanted to.

STEPHEN

Could he throw himself a surprise party?

SATAN

Could if he wanted to.

STEPHEN

Would he be surprised?

SATAN

No, he's omniscient.

STEPHEN

Then it follows that there’s something he can’t do, right?

SATAN

Um, yeah.

STEPHEN

Therefore, he can’t be omnipotent. Omniscient and omnipotent are mutually exclusive in the same universe. Therefore, the God you have posited simply cannot exist! (to DR. ROBERTHEIMER) And please get your tongue off me.

DR. ROSARIO

Oh, don’t be stupid. That’s just a trick question, like “if God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can’t lift it?” You expect some meaningless pseudo-philosophical grade-school paradox like that to –

(Meanwhile, SATAN’s head has been vibrating wildly in the microwave. Now, there is a popping sound and SATAN disappears in a cloud of smoke. Pause.)

DR. ROSARIO

Well, I’ll be damned.

STEPHEN

That’s looking increasingly unlikely, actually. Hey! The alarm stopped ringing!

DR. ROSARIO (thinking it through)

Well, I suppose since Satan doesn’t exist, there’s no way he could have caused the breach in the reactor. So, none of what we’ve experienced ever happened!

(STEPHEN is looking at DR. ROBERTHEIMER, who is still a leather-bound slut mama, and whose behavior has continued completely unchanged.)

STEPHEN

Well, then… what about her?

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

What ABOUT me, big boy? Want to do some highly theoretical research back in my lab? (She tongues STEPHEN wildly – he does his best to fend her off.)

DR. ROSARIO

Somehow, she is immune from the effect from having lived through the events at their source! Which would also be why we both remember Satan’s being here! (worried) You do remember Satan’s being here, right?

STEPHEN

Dude, Satan was here?

DR. ROSARIO

Ah. The ripple effect. (scribbling something on his hand, frantically) Soon, I will forget, too.

STEPHEN

Forget what?

DR. ROSARIO

No idea.

(They both look at DR. ROBERTHEIMER, who abruptly freezes in mid-tongue.)

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

(backing off) Um. Ahem. (she looks at both of them, confused.)

DR. ROSARIO
We’re just as confused as you.

DR. ROBERTHEIMER

Excuse me. (exiting, to herself) This isn’t my corset from home...?

DR. ROSARIO

Wow. All these years of working next to her, I never noticed how freakin’ hot she was.

STEPHEN

I just started here, and I noticed right away.

DR. ROSARIO

Well, I… (suddenly, he notices the writing on his hand. Reads.) “Disable alarm system before activating microwave.” (As if suddenly realizing) Ah! Excuse me. I need to disable the alarm system.

STEPHEN

Why?

DR. ROSARIO

Because I’m gonna summon Satan. Duh!

STEPHEN

What?

DR. ROSARIO

Oh, uh, forget I said that. (He waves his hand over Steven’s face, but Steven just looks at him blankly. Annoyed that he actually can’t magically can’t wipe the memory of other with his mind, Dr. Rosario leaves.)

STEPHEN

(He opens the microwave and sees a black lunchbox with a radiation warning sticker on it.) Huh. (He shuts the microwave, shrugs, and turns it on. A MINOR LIGHTSHOW, SOUND AND FURY, and the microwave pops open again.)

(Inside the microwave is the head of Satan again, absently picking his teeth with his tongue as he suddenly notices Steven.)

STEPHEN

Satan?

SATAN
Steven?

STEPHEN

You live in the microwave?

SATAN
(Looking around) Apparently.

STEPHEN

(After a long moment) Well, THIS explains a lot.