[ Tuesday, December 02, 2003 ]
This is part three of a short play I wrote with Buck and Doug.
For part one, click here.
For part two, click here.
And, onto the conclusion of..."Positive Outlook."
SATAN
Oh, I’m sorry, was there something in our agreement about whisking you off to safety? As a matter of fact, no, I don’t recall saying anything like that!
DR. ROSARIO
But – but -
SATAN
That's why they call it a “devil’s bargain,” babe. But don’t worry, you’ll have your leather corset – oh, yeah, which reminds me.
(SATAN gestures, assuming one can “gesture” with one’s head, and DR. ROBERTHEIMER starts to shake violently. Finally, she rips off her lab coat to reveal a leather corset, bustier, and thigh-high boots. She also pulls her glasses off and her hair out of the bun. She is now one sexy mama.)
STEPHEN and DR. ROSARIO
Wow.
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
(whose voice has now become a sexy, husky come-hither lilt with sexy mannerisms, as if she’s in a softcore Playboy video. She touches herself suggestively as she talks.) I really must protest. That was very –
(She notices what has become of her voice) and I want my voice back, immediately. This is very unprofessional.
(She notices how much she is fondling herself) And stop this touching at once!
SATAN
See how accommodating I’m being? I went and threw in all this other stuff, no extra charge!
(DR. ROSARIO is pushing frantically on the microwave’s buttons, trying to make the countdown stop. STEPHEN is transfixed by the new version of DR. ROBERTHEIMER – who continues to be unwillingly lost in a haze of sexuality.)
DR. ROSARIO
Yeah, and it’s not as though I don’t appreciate that part, but – really, now.
(Dr. Robertheimer trains her sights on Stephen, suddenly. She sidles over to him, seductively.)
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
Oh, well, if we’re all going to die, I want to go out with a bang.
DR. ROSARIO
I just want to go home.
SATAN
And Jairkov?
DR. ROSARIO
No, I was just gonna watch some TV.
STEPHEN
Yeah, Satan?
SATAN
You may have your Zagnut.
(Stephen reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Zagnut.)
STEPHEN
Wicked! Thanks, dude!
SATAN
Actually, it was in your pocket the whole time.
DR. ROSARIO
(Suddenly spiteful, to Stephen) Ha! In your FACE!!!
(Stephen just looks at him and eats the Zagnut.)
STEPHEN
Hey, Satan?
SATAN
Yes, Jairkov?
STEPHEN
If you’ve been transmuted into flesh, doesn’t that mean that you’ll be vaporized, too?
(Satan suddenly looks ill.)
SATAN
Oh, balls.
DR. ROSARIO
So, fix the stress fracture.
SATAN
I can't. When the air is this heavily ionized, I have no telekinetic powers.
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
We could reverse the polarity on the accelerator.
DR. ROSARIO
It would take hours just to get the generators online.
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
So we can't get out of this through telekinetics or conventional physics.
SATAN
We're fucked!
STEPHEN
What about metaphysics? If I can logically prove the non-existence of Satan, then none of this ever happened.
SATAN
Better minds than you have tried, jerk-off.
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
Jairkov. It's worth a try, Stephen.
STEPHEN
Alright, but stop rubbing my thigh. I can't concentrate. Okay, since you introduced yourself as Lucifer, I can presume we're operating in a Protestant Christian theology, correct? Therefore, your existence is defined by your relationship to Jehovah. If he doesn't exist, then you don't exist. Accept the premise so far?
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
What a big premise you have.
STEPHEN
Thank you. Please take your hand off my ass. Satan, you've actually met the big man. Would you describe him as omnipotent, all-powerful, capable of all-things?
SATAN
Yes.
STEPHEN
Would you describe him as omniscient, all-knowing, all-seeing?
SATAN
Yes.
STEPHEN
I see. Omnisicent, and omnipotent. When's his birthday?
SATAN
He doesn't have one.
STEPHEN
So he can't throw himself a party?
SATAN
Could if he wanted to.
STEPHEN
Could he throw himself a surprise party?
SATAN
Could if he wanted to.
STEPHEN
Would he be surprised?
SATAN
No, he's omniscient.
STEPHEN
Then it follows that there’s something he can’t do, right?
SATAN
Um, yeah.
STEPHEN
Therefore, he can’t be omnipotent. Omniscient and omnipotent are mutually exclusive in the same universe. Therefore, the God you have posited simply cannot exist!
(to DR. ROBERTHEIMER) And please get your tongue off me.
DR. ROSARIO
Oh, don’t be stupid. That’s just a trick question, like “if God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can’t lift it?” You expect some meaningless pseudo-philosophical grade-school paradox like that to –
(Meanwhile, SATAN’s head has been vibrating wildly in the microwave. Now, there is a popping sound and SATAN disappears in a cloud of smoke. Pause.)
DR. ROSARIO
Well, I’ll be damned.
STEPHEN
That’s looking increasingly unlikely, actually. Hey! The alarm stopped ringing!
DR. ROSARIO (thinking it through)
Well, I suppose since Satan doesn’t exist, there’s no way he could have caused the breach in the reactor. So, none of what we’ve experienced ever happened!
(STEPHEN is looking at DR. ROBERTHEIMER, who is still a leather-bound slut mama, and whose behavior has continued completely unchanged.)
STEPHEN
Well, then… what about her?
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
What ABOUT me, big boy? Want to do some highly theoretical research back in my lab? (She tongues STEPHEN wildly – he does his best to fend her off.)
DR. ROSARIO
Somehow, she is immune from the effect from having lived through the events at their source! Which would also be why we both remember Satan’s being here!
(worried) You do remember Satan’s being here, right?
STEPHEN
Dude, Satan was here?
DR. ROSARIO
Ah. The ripple effect.
(scribbling something on his hand, frantically) Soon, I will forget, too.
STEPHEN
Forget what?
DR. ROSARIO
No idea.
(They both look at DR. ROBERTHEIMER, who abruptly freezes in mid-tongue.)
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
(backing off) Um. Ahem.
(she looks at both of them, confused.)
DR. ROSARIO
We’re just as confused as you.
DR. ROBERTHEIMER
Excuse me.
(exiting, to herself) This isn’t my corset from home...?
DR. ROSARIO
Wow. All these years of working next to her, I never noticed how freakin’ hot she was.
STEPHEN
I just started here, and I noticed right away.
DR. ROSARIO
Well, I…
(suddenly, he notices the writing on his hand. Reads.) “Disable alarm system before activating microwave.”
(As if suddenly realizing) Ah! Excuse me. I need to disable the alarm system.
STEPHEN
Why?
DR. ROSARIO
Because I’m gonna summon Satan. Duh!
STEPHEN
What?
DR. ROSARIO
Oh, uh, forget I said that.
(He waves his hand over Steven’s face, but Steven just looks at him blankly. Annoyed that he actually can’t magically can’t wipe the memory of other with his mind, Dr. Rosario leaves.)
STEPHEN
(He opens the microwave and sees a black lunchbox with a radiation warning sticker on it.) Huh.
(He shuts the microwave, shrugs, and turns it on. A MINOR LIGHTSHOW, SOUND AND FURY, and the microwave pops open again.)
(Inside the microwave is the head of Satan again, absently picking his teeth with his tongue as he suddenly notices Steven.)
STEPHEN
Satan?
SATAN
Steven?
STEPHEN
You live in the microwave?
SATAN
(Looking around) Apparently.
STEPHEN
(After a long moment) Well, THIS explains a lot.
posted by Rob on 9:48 AM |
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